Baggage Claim

Flew from Los Angeles to New York today. They lost my luggage. Here is how the conversation went upon my arrival:

Airport – Sir, we are sorry to inform you your baggage was lost.

Me – What? Oh no. When will they be arriving?

Airport – I’m sorry sir?

Me – My bags? When will they be arriving?

Airport – Hmm. Let me check…(typing)… Sir, I regret to inform you we don’t yet have any time to report to you. Would you like to be notified when they arrive?

Me – Yes, please.

Airport – Okay… hmm… Okay… Hmmm…. Sir, I’m sorry to say your bags will not be arriving.

Me – What?! You mean never?

Airport – Yes, they will never be arriving. I’m sorry, sir, on behalf of Del-

Me – Wait, hold on! Where are my bags??

Airport – They are in Los Angeles. Thank you for your patience.

Me – Patience? I’m not being patient! What the hell is going on with my bags?

Airport – Well, we can’t truly be sure at this precise moment, you see.

Me – Oh yeah, I see, ’cause I thought you were psychic. Why aren’t they being sent out?

Airport – Oh, well, the baggage claim fellas in LA really liked your stuff.

Me – Wait… what?

Airport – Yes, it says here that you packed shampoo and conditioner which happened to be a favorite of the baggy boys, so they opened up your suitcase and rummaged through for them.

Me – Are you fucking kidding?

Airport – No. In fact, there were several items they thoroughly enjoyed. It says here you had some really nice clothes, an extra large black hoodie, and several good books.

Me – This is bullshit.

Airport – Yes, it is quite unusual. The baggy boys aren’t often fans of literature. Might I ask, what books did you bring?

Me – You might not fucking ask. You might start typing on those keys and tell those fucking baggy boys to send over my shit!

Airport – Sir! There is no need to get angry. You must understand, there’s nothing I can do. They are in LA, and I am in New York.

Me – What’s that mean?

Airport – What it means, sir, is that there is really nothing I can do for you. You’ll have to take it up with the boys in blue.

Me – The authorities?

Airport – No, the Dodgers sir. They are in Los Angeles. It is their jurisdiction.

Me – What? Are you kidding? Is this a fuckin’ joke?

Airport – No sir. The Dodgers are a respected crime fighting organization in that area. They’ve stopped a giant invasion from San Francisco, child molesters from San Diego, and an unlawful importation of jock straps from Oakland.

Me – That isn’t even funny. You are being ridiculous. Just get me my fucking bags.

Airport – We’re terribly sorry for the inconvenience sir.

Me – Fine. I’m fucking outta here. (Walking away)

Airport – Sir! One last thing!

Me – What?!

Airport – It also says here there was a slight mishap when you paid the twenty dollar fee at the Los Angeles terminal. Your credit card didn’t go through.

Me – (Raised Eyebrow)

Airport – I’m going to have to request you pay your twenty five dollar fee here, please.

Me – (Jaw dropped)

Airport – Sir?

Me – (blank stare)

Airport – Sir, is this going to be a problem for you?

Me – (sighing, returning to counter, sadly reaching into pocket, retrieving wallet, paying twenty dollar fee)

Airport – Have a great stay in New York!

Me – …thanks.


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