Flew from Los Angeles to New York today. They lost my luggage. Here is how the conversation went upon my arrival:
Airport – Sir, we are sorry to inform you your baggage was lost.
Me – What? Oh no. When will they be arriving?
Airport – I’m sorry sir?
Me – My bags? When will they be arriving?
Airport – Hmm. Let me check…(typing)… Sir, I regret to inform you we don’t yet have any time to report to you. Would you like to be notified when they arrive?
Me – Yes, please.
Airport – Okay… hmm… Okay… Hmmm…. Sir, I’m sorry to say your bags will not be arriving.
Me – What?! You mean never?
Airport – Yes, they will never be arriving. I’m sorry, sir, on behalf of Del-
Me – Wait, hold on! Where are my bags??
Airport – They are in Los Angeles. Thank you for your patience.
Me – Patience? I’m not being patient! What the hell is going on with my bags?
Airport – Well, we can’t truly be sure at this precise moment, you see.
Me – Oh yeah, I see, ’cause I thought you were psychic. Why aren’t they being sent out?
Airport – Oh, well, the baggage claim fellas in LA really liked your stuff.
Me – Wait… what?
Airport – Yes, it says here that you packed shampoo and conditioner which happened to be a favorite of the baggy boys, so they opened up your suitcase and rummaged through for them.
Me – Are you fucking kidding?
Airport – No. In fact, there were several items they thoroughly enjoyed. It says here you had some really nice clothes, an extra large black hoodie, and several good books.
Me – This is bullshit.
Airport – Yes, it is quite unusual. The baggy boys aren’t often fans of literature. Might I ask, what books did you bring?
Me – You might not fucking ask. You might start typing on those keys and tell those fucking baggy boys to send over my shit!
Airport – Sir! There is no need to get angry. You must understand, there’s nothing I can do. They are in LA, and I am in New York.
Me – What’s that mean?
Airport – What it means, sir, is that there is really nothing I can do for you. You’ll have to take it up with the boys in blue.
Me – The authorities?
Airport – No, the Dodgers sir. They are in Los Angeles. It is their jurisdiction.
Me – What? Are you kidding? Is this a fuckin’ joke?
Airport – No sir. The Dodgers are a respected crime fighting organization in that area. They’ve stopped a giant invasion from San Francisco, child molesters from San Diego, and an unlawful importation of jock straps from Oakland.
Me – That isn’t even funny. You are being ridiculous. Just get me my fucking bags.
Airport – We’re terribly sorry for the inconvenience sir.
Me – Fine. I’m fucking outta here. (Walking away)
Airport – Sir! One last thing!
Me – What?!
Airport – It also says here there was a slight mishap when you paid the twenty dollar fee at the Los Angeles terminal. Your credit card didn’t go through.
Me – (Raised Eyebrow)
Airport – I’m going to have to request you pay your twenty five dollar fee here, please.
Me – (Jaw dropped)
Airport – Sir?
Me – (blank stare)
Airport – Sir, is this going to be a problem for you?
Me – (sighing, returning to counter, sadly reaching into pocket, retrieving wallet, paying twenty dollar fee)
Airport – Have a great stay in New York!
Me – …thanks.