Heres a look at the polls, to get an idea of which country has the most Watties. Let’s make it dramatic.

95 – America You guys are the best, and you know it, but it never gets old to say it again.

12 – United Kingdom. Thank you your majesty, may your Kingdom forever expand.

4 Canada – Are there any Canadian jokes that don’t involve hockey? If so, please let me know.

1 India – I’m very proud of this. I just feel good about it. I don’t know that I can say anything that would not be construed of racism in some form, so I wont even write the name I made up in my head for you, solo-India(n?) guy/girl/floating being with an orange tunic, red strap and wood cain… eyes closed.

1 Spain – I’m happy too know between your bull riding and fancy dance moves you found my blog and viewed it. Men from Spain are both tough and good with the ladies, which makes it a hot ground for competitive stare downs(in case you didn’t know).

Well folks, that’s all we got over here at McWatty9’s world polls. Keep up the mis-clicks and tell some of your friends in the impoverished areas that you wish you could do more to keep them from starving, but unfortunately you prefer sitting on your computer so you don’t really want to get up right now because that’s pretty much what it comes down to when people die of hunger and we don’t do nothin’ to help them.

Thanks, world!

Thomas M. Watt

New York

In New York currently. I myself am a ‘Californian’. Went to Dunkin’ Donuts this morning. I walked in and looked at the menu, researching my order options, but the lady kindly asked, ‘What do you want?’ before I really had a chance to decide.

I stepped up to the counter, petrified, and blurted out a word that didn’t exist. She raised an eyebrow, chewed her gum, then said, ‘What?’

So I just ordered a medium cup of coffee. ‘What kind?’ she said. I started responding, ‘Mocha…’ but her eyebrow raised even higher, so I just finished with ‘regular.’

‘Mocha regular?’ She said, as the other employees all snickered and pointed at me.

‘No, just a regular, please.’ I said.

‘Whatever. Anything else?’

‘No, that’s it.’ Said I.

‘That’s it?’ she said, gum clicking loudly.

‘I guess I’ll get a bagel with egg, cheese, and sausage as well.’

‘What kinda bagel?’ she said, tossing her head side to side with a hand on her hip and foot tapping the floor.

‘Ugh… uh.. umm…. regular.’


‘Yeah. Get me one of those regular bagels.’

Her and the employees laughed some more, but eventually I had my coffee and sandwich. No sugar, and there was no barista stand, but I was too afraid to ask. As I walked out I heard them call me an idiot but then tell me to come again soon.

I said I wouldn’t, but they all raised an eyebrow at me and chewed their gum extra assertively. So then I said I’ll be back tomorrow, so now I have to go.

On my walk to my car, I tried to make it up in my mind that New York was not an unfriendly place, it was just a different culture that took some getting accustomed to. Then a bird crapped on my arm.

Relationship Quiz

This quiz is to test if you’re really with the right one. If you are not in a relationship, please do not bother taking this test, because clearly nobody loves you and you’re not good at anything plus you really suck at life and your really ugly and yes, we all noticed how damp your armpits get on those days you forget to put deodorant on.

Now, for the quiz.

1.) Does your partner fulfill all of your emotional, spiritual, and physical needs?

2.) When you and your partner are out together, is it easy for you to ignore all the other attractives in the room, and stay focused on your partner?

3.) Does your partner care enough for your feelings to never ‘check out’ other attractives when they pass?

4.) Is it fair to say you’ve never even considered the thought of being with another?

5.) When you are having a bad day, is your partner able to fix all your problems all the time?

6.) When your relationship is fine, is it… really?

7.) Can you comfortably say that your partner is the only one you ever want to be around for the rest of your life?

If you answered no to one or more of the previous questions, it means that your partner is not God, you are not God, and you are indeed in a human relationship. Next time you find yourself bitching about your loved one, look around you, and realize that everyone else does the exact same thing, so that terrible person who tricked you into loving them is just as much a son-of-a-bitch as that fantasy mate who treats you so kindly now. Oh, they’re a fantasy now, but wait until you have them. They fart and complain just as much as the one you are currently with.

If you answered yes to one or more of the questions, go fuck yourself, because you found the gold-nugget relationship, which should only belong to Jim and Pam of the Office before the final two seasons.

Instead of getting divorced, maybe you should stop wasting time on stupid relationship quizzes and realize a person’s a person and an ideal’s an ideal.

2nd Letter to United Kingdom

Dear United Kingdom,

It has come to our attention, here at the United States of America dinner table, that you actually do have a princess. Princess Fairy Zooboo. It is a strange name. Unorthodox to say the least. Many of us here in America have been arguing over the meatball-passing on wether or not she was a real princess or a real fairy. We have come to the conclusion that the United Kingdom is a great unknown to us. We hear of this kingdom most often when new music labels come to surface, and several times have been made aware of fights breaking out in your great powerful kingdom. President Barack Obama and George W. Bush just finished up a heated debate over wether the politically correct term was ‘fairy’ or ‘trans-magic producer’. It resulted in spaghetti launches and bread-smears-to-faces.

Anyhow, the action here at table America is simmering down, and the chatter has returned to ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and how disgusting that show is. After dinner we are all going to sit on the couch and watch it together while we eat all the fast food five dollars can buy, which is a milk shake three burgers two small (individual) french fries and a ten gallon drum of coke.


America’s Dinner Table