I am humbled by how great I am

In a recent survey conducted and published by fictionalsurveys.com/imagination, my blog was voted one of the fastest growing blogs in the history of the world. It is quite a humbling article, and by humbling, I mean it reassured me that I was better than everyone else at everything, even that spoiled little girl who is already mean to poor people.

The article featured a quote from that one guy from India who somehow found his way to my blog. I copied and pasted it down below for you.

“McWatty9? What the heck is that? Is sounds like a bad American hamburger or something.”

Also of significance, this endearing complement from King Everything Iz Great of the United Kingdom – “McWatty9 is a true gift to the world and a friend of the United Kingdom. We sometimes talk about him at the morning hand-holding embracement.”

I’m truly honored for all the recent praise I’ve received from myself, and can’t emphasize enough just how humbling being the greatest means to me. I think its safe to say, along with all the watties out there, that this blog is truly, ‘Blowing Up’.

NFL 2013: Eli and Peyton Manning Turning Heads in Rap Video Commercial

Jockstrap Journal is pretty much the greatest website ever. If you haven’t seen it already, go check it out. Many laughs.

Jockstrap Journal (Now Spleaze.com!)

Easily scraping the edge between awkward and legendary, this rap video sets a certain tone for the 2013 NFL Season that I’m not sure we’re thrilled about. The Manning brothers have always been fond of the American advertisement, but this just seems desperate. Although the rhythm does have us thinking of a similar film…

The Mann Crew could’ve pepped it up and added some lyrical fluff, but oh well. It was still worth the several minutes of awkwardness.

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How to Shower

The best way to shower is to use soap. When you use the soap, be sure to wipe the suds all over your body before you allow the water to spray the suds off. If you fail to do this, you are only cleaning yourself half as well as you should be.

The most thoroughly soaped body part is the chest, and the most often forgotten is the bottom of the feet (Einstein’s journal of medicine, Fictional Citation pg. 8). The biggest problem area humans who shower tend to have is the armpits.

They are known in the showering industry as the, ‘awkward v’s’, and the taller the shower goer, the harder they are to properly cleanse. Many of the shower elites recall tales of funniness, citing those times they thought they were washed, only to find white residue covering their underarms! (courtesy chuckle here)

Of all the blumbers and mistakes made in the shower, including the head-to-the-faucet ‘Doh!’, the worst feeling of all continues to be the forgotten armpit. Some of the best showerers in our generation have confessed to this lapse of following proper bathing procedure.

Holding the deodorant stick, and after a swift ‘sniff sniff’, the thought-to-be-clean human discovers they are still stinky. The realization occurs after a full-blown dry-out (known as ‘toweling’ by some in the industry), and the human has a moment of anguish.

The debate is still out there on whether or not a return to the shower is worth it, or an overlapping swipe of fresh deodorant a strong enough band-aid to hide the stinky stench.

However, as every shower aficionado knows, the worst thing to be done in this situation is to attempt what is known as a ‘sink swap’. A sink swap is when the human showerer bends over the bathroom sink and uses the hand soap to butter-up their arm pit with white suds, then poorly strive to wash the residue back off, using only scoops of water from the faucet.

The result is soapy water running down the abdomen to the thigh, and a messy tile floor. There has been more than one death reported per year from the slip and fall that so often occurs after another misguided attempt at the fabled ‘sink swap’.

* Showering USA and Mr. Clean incorporated contributed to this article.

– Did you know? Having sex in the shower is only enjoyable when you are the one hogging all the hot water.

New York City

Went out to the big city last night to visit one of my dearest friends. Here is how the trip went –

Exterior – Big city lights, high hopes and dreams, tourist are picked out of the New Yawkers with ease. Veterans of the city are experts at the crosswalk. Out-of-towners are terrified and confused.

Me – These people need to slow down and relax.

Brandon – That’s a great thought. But they are not going to.

Me – They just haven’t experienced the California way yet. Watch and Learn.

(Cars flying through the main road, Taxis driving on sidewalks honking at pedestrians to walk faster, bicyclist stand with one foot on their bike seats to sift between door-to-door lanes)

(I walk casually into the street, holding my hand out in a ‘stopping’ gesture to get the all of the vehicles to all halt. All of them do. Nasty honks my way. Vendors chuck hot dogs at me. Business people jump from skyscraper buildings out of anxiety for the slow flow of traffic. I make my proclamation.)

me – People of New York City! I want you all to know that I am not intimidated by your lack of human decency and your insistence on moving faster than everyone else in the world. I will stand for it no longer, and must insist you learn to relax, like me and the Californians.

(I pull out a beach chair and an umbrella then whip up a mojito, put on some sunglasses, and start reading a book amidst all the chaos)

Me – Ahh. Isn’t this nice? Relaxation is a good thing, people of New York.

And that was that. A beautiful image. Tranquillity in a place that never knew it existed before my arrival. I sat there, teaching California’s wisdom to people who were previously blind to the art of doing nothing and pretending to be important. It was a great time in my life, and a great time in the city, up until the cars just started bumping me, gently at first, but shortly there after carelessly ran me over, and my mojito spilled and I wound up with my face to the pavement and tire marks along my back.

But someone in the city learned something that day, and I’m pretty sure it was me. New York don’t slow down for nobody, so if you ever find yourself standing in the road, you should probably get the fuck out of the way, because they would rather run you over then wait five extra minutes to get to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts.

Famous Quotes

Here is a list of great quotes I would say if I was famous and did an interview this morning. Just imagine me sitting at the podium and all the reporters raising there hands eagerly for the next question.

McWatty9, aren’t you concerned about dying?

me – Ah, so what. Life Goes on.

(Reporters all start speaking really softly and quickly and flap their hands at me)

Me – Yes, reporter with the big nose.

Big nose – Many of your followers are concerned some of your material suggests you’ve already gone off the deep end. Care to Comment?

Me – Yes.

(More frantic squabbling among the reporters)

Me – (pointing)  Man with donut crumbs on his shirt, go ahead.

Donut crumbs – Uh, yeah, is it true you had sex with that woman?

Me – Was she good looking?

Donut Crumbs – Not really.

Me – Theres a time and place to answer that question, but it is neither here nor now… Meet me at the urinal after the press conference though and all the guys can have a good laugh about it.

(All the male reporters fail to stifle their chuckles, while all the women stand up in outrage and angrily wave their mics at me)

me – Yes, you, the woman wearing the hemp beanie and no make up.

woman with the beanie – Is it true you are a sexist pig?

me – No I’m actually a human.

(frivolous commotion)

me – Yes, you the hot lady.

hot lady – Umm. I’m not a reporter and I don’t have a question.

Me – I know but I’m obviously a celebrity and I was just making my pick for who I was going to have sex with tonight.

(pictures flash, pens scribble, I wink)

Me – Yes, Perez Hilton, go ahead.

Perez Hilton – I recently talked to some of my celebrity leech friends, and they told me that you aren’t actually a real celebrity, because you don’t buy drinks for any of them and don’t even have a real entourage.

me – Well you’re not a real reporter so get the fuck out of the journalism industry and try to make a living without destroying the people who actually have talent and stop making a mockery of a once respectable profession.

Perez Hilton (shaking) – Ohhh you don’t wanna mess with me, I can make or break you! I’ll have you made into a such a fool and then sue your ass for harassment!

Me – (jumping off the podium, picking Perez Hilton up, breaking him in half over my knee, tossing both the pieces aside, urinating on both his upper and lower extremities as pictures flash like lightning)

Me – Well that’s it folks. Where’s that hot lady?