Here is a list of great quotes I would say if I was famous and did an interview this morning. Just imagine me sitting at the podium and all the reporters raising there hands eagerly for the next question.
McWatty9, aren’t you concerned about dying?
me – Ah, so what. Life Goes on.
(Reporters all start speaking really softly and quickly and flap their hands at me)
Me – Yes, reporter with the big nose.
Big nose – Many of your followers are concerned some of your material suggests you’ve already gone off the deep end. Care to Comment?
Me – Yes.
(More frantic squabbling among the reporters)
Me – (pointing) Man with donut crumbs on his shirt, go ahead.
Donut crumbs – Uh, yeah, is it true you had sex with that woman?
Me – Was she good looking?
Donut Crumbs – Not really.
Me – Theres a time and place to answer that question, but it is neither here nor now… Meet me at the urinal after the press conference though and all the guys can have a good laugh about it.
(All the male reporters fail to stifle their chuckles, while all the women stand up in outrage and angrily wave their mics at me)
me – Yes, you, the woman wearing the hemp beanie and no make up.
woman with the beanie – Is it true you are a sexist pig?
me – No I’m actually a human.
(frivolous commotion)
me – Yes, you the hot lady.
hot lady – Umm. I’m not a reporter and I don’t have a question.
Me – I know but I’m obviously a celebrity and I was just making my pick for who I was going to have sex with tonight.
(pictures flash, pens scribble, I wink)
Me – Yes, Perez Hilton, go ahead.
Perez Hilton – I recently talked to some of my celebrity leech friends, and they told me that you aren’t actually a real celebrity, because you don’t buy drinks for any of them and don’t even have a real entourage.
me – Well you’re not a real reporter so get the fuck out of the journalism industry and try to make a living without destroying the people who actually have talent and stop making a mockery of a once respectable profession.
Perez Hilton (shaking) – Ohhh you don’t wanna mess with me, I can make or break you! I’ll have you made into a such a fool and then sue your ass for harassment!
Me – (jumping off the podium, picking Perez Hilton up, breaking him in half over my knee, tossing both the pieces aside, urinating on both his upper and lower extremities as pictures flash like lightning)
Me – Well that’s it folks. Where’s that hot lady?
Thomas M. Watt 