New York City

Went out to the big city last night to visit one of my dearest friends. Here is how the trip went –

Exterior – Big city lights, high hopes and dreams, tourist are picked out of the New Yawkers with ease. Veterans of the city are experts at the crosswalk. Out-of-towners are terrified and confused.

Me – These people need to slow down and relax.

Brandon – That’s a great thought. But they are not going to.

Me – They just haven’t experienced the California way yet. Watch and Learn.

(Cars flying through the main road, Taxis driving on sidewalks honking at pedestrians to walk faster, bicyclist stand with one foot on their bike seats to sift between door-to-door lanes)

(I walk casually into the street, holding my hand out in a ‘stopping’ gesture to get the all of the vehicles to all halt. All of them do. Nasty honks my way. Vendors chuck hot dogs at me. Business people jump from skyscraper buildings out of anxiety for the slow flow of traffic. I make my proclamation.)

me – People of New York City! I want you all to know that I am not intimidated by your lack of human decency and your insistence on moving faster than everyone else in the world. I will stand for it no longer, and must insist you learn to relax, like me and the Californians.

(I pull out a beach chair and an umbrella then whip up a mojito, put on some sunglasses, and start reading a book amidst all the chaos)

Me – Ahh. Isn’t this nice? Relaxation is a good thing, people of New York.

And that was that. A beautiful image. Tranquillity in a place that never knew it existed before my arrival. I sat there, teaching California’s wisdom to people who were previously blind to the art of doing nothing and pretending to be important. It was a great time in my life, and a great time in the city, up until the cars just started bumping me, gently at first, but shortly there after carelessly ran me over, and my mojito spilled and I wound up with my face to the pavement and tire marks along my back.

But someone in the city learned something that day, and I’m pretty sure it was me. New York don’t slow down for nobody, so if you ever find yourself standing in the road, you should probably get the fuck out of the way, because they would rather run you over then wait five extra minutes to get to the nearest Dunkin’ Donuts.


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