Man Up App.

I’m working with the top scientists in the world to create a ‘Man Up’ app. Here is how it will work.

Picture this – You’re sitting there, a cute girl is staring at you from across the way. You sort of want to approach her, but you don’t know what to say, and you’re getting kind of nervous. ‘What should I do?’ you ask yourself.

Well, from now on, you’re not going to be asking yourself that question. You’re going to be asking my Man Up App!

You: “Man Up, there is a cute girl over there, but I’m sort of nervous and I’m not exactly the type to just go up to someone and start talking. What should I do?

Man Up: Get off your ass, go over there, and start talking.

You: But what will I say?

Man Up: Stand the fuck up, right now. Walk over there, talk.

You: But what-

Man Up: DO IT!

That’s just one of the many situations you will get helpful advice. Here’s another one – You’re in the bar, all the fellas are drinking, but your tummy kind of hurts and you can’t handle another drink.

You: Man up, I have a tummy ache. Should I take this shot?

Man Up: If you do not take this shot, I will find the phone number in this phone of that guy you know with anger issues, text him terrible things, and he will literally come down here and shoot you in the gut.

You: But-

Man Up: DO IT!

And then, who could forget the classic, ‘Should I kiss her or not?’ This one is specifically geared for young men new to the dating world.

This particular App. features a self-activating tool, where it can sense the jitters in your pants. So, when the end of the date comes, and you’re standing there with your hands in your pockets, shaking with fear, the App. will automatically give you advice! You don’t even have to ask it too!

Man Up: Kiss her. Go in for it. Kiss her. Kiss her. Kiss her. Go in. Now. Do it. Do it. F-U-C-K-I-N-G DO IT!

And then, as an added bonus, I’ve created a specific tool that alerts you when you score. At the moment of climax, when the tensions at its greatest, Man Up let’s you know how you are doing.

Man Up: Do it. Do it. Do it. Harder. Faster. Longer. Do it. Do it. Do it. GO GO GO GO GOALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

Man Up – soon to yell at a man near you.

McWatty9’s Proactive Karate

Are you tired of karate being mere practice? Don’t you wish you could use your killer hand chop in real life situations, rather than waiting to get mugged or robbed? Well at McWatty9’s ‘Trae-Tu-Keel’, we teach karate in a little… different way.

You see, my philosophy for fighting originated one day when I realized random purse attacks hardly ever happen. While other facilities teach self-defense, I teach preemptive-strikes.

It works like this – imagine you’re walking down the street, and someone looks at you the wrong way. Well you just walk up and karate chop ’em! Sounds like fun, right? It is!

Here at McWatty9’s proactive karate, we teach the art of screaming ‘Hi-ya!’ every time you hit, and have such long formulas for fighting, that you will feel like you’re playing a chess match even when you are getting your ass kicked!

We don’t study ancient Japanese fighting techniques. In fact, we don’t really study anything at all. We all gather ’round with a big ol’ bowl a popcorn, and watch Jackie Chan films until the idea of fighting off a swarm of bad guys starts to seem realistic!

Then, we try to learn the moves. There’s the ladder moves, the spinning kicks, the double spin kicks, and the double double spin spins. For firm wrist strikes, I teach the one where your arm moves horizontally, and then the one where it moves from up to down.

We employ all the famous sound effects when we practice, including the, ‘Pssh!’ and the ‘Poosh!’ and, for the ladies, the, ‘Eughmph!’

That’s right folks, come on down to McWatty9’s proactive karate if you want to feel like your tough and make fighting harder than it already is.

*Any and all of these techniques will work in real life movie fighting sequences.

How to get Published

The biggest mistake book writers make is they often times send their manuscripts out to big-wig publishing houses, brimming with high hopes and unsightly aspirations. They walk away from the post office with a skip and a double hand slap, commonly whistling, and staring at all who pass them with a smirk that says, ‘Yeah. That’s right. I did it. I wrote a book.’

This is all great and dandy, but these hopeful word writers don’t get to see what actually goes on behind the scenes at these big time publishing houses. Often times, when manuscripts from unknown authors arrive, they like to shovel them straight into the chimney to keep the fire going. If you’re lucky, they’ll get a glimpse of your well-thought out title, and mutter something along the lines of, “What a pathetic loser.”

When the chimney isn’t necessary, the big time publishers find other uses for the incoming manuscripts. For instance, paper-shredder test are conducted on a daily basis, from seven to nine, If you are lucky, they go chapter by chapter, and occasionally tilt their heads sideways in order to follow the words as they go through the chute.

Lunchtime discussions at these places typically center on topics such as which manuscript was the worst, which author was the stupidest, and which submission was the biggest waste of time.

After lunch commences, they return back to their offices, and the real reading begins. They pick up your hope-filled package, tear through the tape, then open up and take a look. If you did not request your book to be returned to sender, they like to take advantage of all the paper you wasted with your words, and draws lots and lots of doodles in order to get through the hellish boredom that you forced them to read.

Occasionally, a good book does come through. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, the reason they got into the business, the moment they wake up every day for. With a happy release and a scribble of the pen, they find the title of your manuscript, cross off your name, then write their own in your place.

Congratulations, now you know how to get published.

Did you know? If a stack of manuscripts goes untouched for a long enough amount of time, it will turns back into a tree.

Drinking and God

When I drink, I enjoy conversing. I love to speak. I love to argue. I love to talk to people who build conversation. I am a passionate believer in God, but I just so happen to speak with people who don’t believe.

Not that I try to get them to fear, or realize, but I like building conversations. Every so often, in our time on this planet, we run into people who enjoy the search for truth. The search for truth is the polar opposite of the search for personal fulfillment. The search for personal fulfillment goes this way – I believe this, and will disregard everything you say to counter it, by way of aggressive hand pokes and head shakes and discrediting tones and saying things that you’ve never heard of, in order to make you feel like a fool.

I hate that. I fucking hate that. I love people who don’t know. I love people who want to know more. I love people who know more than me. I love people who know less then me, but would like to know more. Conversing with these types, we learn more.

I think the joke of it is, as far as God goes, he usually comes out on top, in a sensical manner. I honestly feel it is evidence of non belief when a ‘believer’ shuts out outside opinions in order to keep believing. This person’s belief can then be attributed to a way of feeling good about themselves, and in no way demonstrates their belief in a higher power.

I’m excited for the day people can drink and say what they really think, rather than what is cool to say. For instance, if I make some asinine joke about vodka, all will laugh. If I say something about ‘being a man’ people will often nod in agreement. The truth is, I don’t really care about anything, save for the truth. Unfortunately, there are very few people who actually seek truth, and an overwhelming majority seeks feeling good at the particular moment.

How boring life is when all you do is act as something you’re not. How terrible a time it is when you are forbidden from speaking an actual opinion, and instead voice the words of what is acceptable, and what is held in ‘high regard’.

As far as the quest for God/ no God goes, it must be the truth. As soon as it becomes an idealistic view, we are no longer seeking God, but a way to feel better about ourselves. I truly despise that. I don’t think there is anything more disheartening to a believer than a false believer. And for those who don’t believe in God but are willing to speak in honesty about the subject, they are the most honest people who exist.

If in some way you think the acceptance of non-believers goes against God, you are an idiot. For, the only person willing to gamble their salvation is the very one who has put much thought into the matter. And if you do believe in God, make certain it is God, and not a dispirited worldly view. If it is thus, it is nothing, and belongs only to imbeciles. Seek the truth, and ye shall find it.

Illegal Immigrant Reality Show

We need to do something about the illegal immigrants who make their way into America. More specifically, we need to make a game show about it. Here is how it should go.

Helicopters hovering over the Mexican/American border. Cameras on the helicopters. There should be a starting line, and everybody who wants to come to America lines up at it.

Build an obstacle course. With blockades such as fake plaster rock walls, fast rapid river streams, sand that you sink in (what’s that called again?)

They all rage through, only the strongest survive. You gotta be tough, resilient, a beast of a human being. Give that person the right to be an American.

In reality, in my experience with ‘illegal immigrants’, or, as they are actually, ‘Mexicans’, they are the hardest working people I have ever seen. Guess what? Cream rises to the top. Let these guys stay. I have no problem with any person who ‘does their job’. I have no problem with somebody who grows the strength of my country. I have an endless list of problems with the ‘Americans’ who don’t do shit to help this country, and live by the grace of those who worked hard before them.

If you are not helping the country, you have no right to stay. If you do not ‘do your job’, then get the fuck out. We need workers, not moochers. That is why America is great. That is why freedom is great. It rewards those who take advantage of it. When the majority of people become moochers, it is the hard workers who carry the burden.

I say, bring the workers in. Oh no, somebody is taking your job because they work harder than you? Oh no, you got fired because somebody was willing to do what you do for less money? Oh no, you want to sit on the couch all day but you can’t because some asshole actually wants to work hard, and has the nerve to do the job right?

Get the fuck out. Period. I have no respect for anybody who thinks they deserve shit because of where they were born, or the buffoon that believes they should keep what they have because it was given to them. No. Fuck that. You beat me, the prize is yours. I beat you, I take it back. That is what makes a civilization strong. As soon as you change that, as soon as you nullify the desire to conquer, or the ability to conquer, civilization will move backwards.

God blesses those who work.

 

Skankism

This post is not meant to be funny. This is about a growing epidemic in the world today, which I feel is a necessary topic to discuss.

Where to begin… Hmm. Let’s start with success. As a male. You see, people of earth, when you are a male you’re basically wired from earth to seek sex. Not love, sex. Sad? Maybe. Upsetting? Probably. But this is pretty much as far as we go. It is how we are wired, and we spend our entire lives fighting it and trying to be more. And we do, we win, and we fuck shit up.

However, something funny happens along the road of man-ity. It is love. It is realizing that there is a woman out there who gives a shit about you even when nobody else does. It is that woman who you confess you’re secret dream to, and she smiles and genuinely says ‘That’s great. I think you can do it.’

That’s when we shyly smile, say ‘thanks’, turn away, sip beer, and think somewhere deep down inside, “I’m going to marry this girl. One hundred percent, I am going to marry this girl.”

But skanks. Back to the skanks. Skanks are often misconstrued as human beings. No, they are not human beings. They are leeches of success. If you want a skank, pretend to be better than everyone else, and you will get laid.

The biggest issue for men, I believe, is that we are naturally wired to get laid. So when things are going good for us, skanks come along, and they say things like ‘you are so great’ and ‘you are extra great’.

The problem is, as a man, we are built to always seek this adoration. So when we receive it, we are easily duped, and wind up sleeping with these scums of the earth, rather than the absolute beauty.

I suppose all I am saying to women is this: Accept the fact that men are egotist. We sleep with skanks because they feed that side of us. But as far as love goes, as far as love will ever go, we will always fall for the girls who dig us when we don’t mean shit. Love for skanks? There ain’t no love for skanks. Men love women who believe in them. You want to land a man? Talk to him about what he wants to do, and tell him you think he can do that shit. As great as sex is, it ain’t shit to love. Love goes to lovers, never-ending regret belongs to skanks.