How to get Published

The biggest mistake book writers make is they often times send their manuscripts out to big-wig publishing houses, brimming with high hopes and unsightly aspirations. They walk away from the post office with a skip and a double hand slap, commonly whistling, and staring at all who pass them with a smirk that says, ‘Yeah. That’s right. I did it. I wrote a book.’

This is all great and dandy, but these hopeful word writers don’t get to see what actually goes on behind the scenes at these big time publishing houses. Often times, when manuscripts from unknown authors arrive, they like to shovel them straight into the chimney to keep the fire going. If you’re lucky, they’ll get a glimpse of your well-thought out title, and mutter something along the lines of, “What a pathetic loser.”

When the chimney isn’t necessary, the big time publishers find other uses for the incoming manuscripts. For instance, paper-shredder test are conducted on a daily basis, from seven to nine, If you are lucky, they go chapter by chapter, and occasionally tilt their heads sideways in order to follow the words as they go through the chute.

Lunchtime discussions at these places typically center on topics such as which manuscript was the worst, which author was the stupidest, and which submission was the biggest waste of time.

After lunch commences, they return back to their offices, and the real reading begins. They pick up your hope-filled package, tear through the tape, then open up and take a look. If you did not request your book to be returned to sender, they like to take advantage of all the paper you wasted with your words, and draws lots and lots of doodles in order to get through the hellish boredom that you forced them to read.

Occasionally, a good book does come through. This is the opportunity of a lifetime, the reason they got into the business, the moment they wake up every day for. With a happy release and a scribble of the pen, they find the title of your manuscript, cross off your name, then write their own in your place.

Congratulations, now you know how to get published.

Did you know? If a stack of manuscripts goes untouched for a long enough amount of time, it will turns back into a tree.

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