Alien Abduction

I was just walking my Iguana outside, whistling happily, when up above, wouldn’t you know it, a black saucer craft approach. Naturally, I waved to it and said, “Look Reptilley! That’s an alien ship.” I put my hands on my hips and looked on proudly.

That was when it happened – the bright orange light shined down on me, and soon I was hovering up, flailing my arms and legs excitedly as I went.

I came on board the ship, and three aliens, with faces like crocodiles and bodies like small children ruthlessly interrogated me.

“Welcome aboard!” Said the first, handing me an ice cold brew, green and alien style.

“Hey, thanks!” I responded.

We all clanked beers.

“I’m Frank, this is Tom, and he’s Boondock.”

“Hey guys!” said I. “So what brings you to earth?”

“Ah, you know, just wanted to find out more about the humans. We gotta fill out these reports and shit.”

“Oh?” I said. “How come?”

“Princess Nebula,” said Tom the alien.

“Yeah, she’s a real bitch.” Added Boondock.

“Oh, I see. What do you gotta fill out?”

Frank groaned loudly, then pulled out his clipboard and read down through it with his fancy alien pen(It was like one of those swirling straws that kids like so much). “Let’s see, uhh, here we go. What’s the deal with you guys and the television? Don’t you know you’re all essentially wasting your lives in front of a box?”

I set a finger to my chin, then crossed my legs to look more studious, in an effort to properly represent the human race. “Yeah, you know, I never really thought about it that way I guess. I think we just like to relax.”

“Uh-huh, uh-huh,” responded Frank the alien. “And then I see, according to here, humans like to… ‘go to the mall?’ Is that correct?”

“Yeah, sure. Some of us do.”

“And what is this mall?” said Tom.

I shrugged. “Just this place people go.”

“Uh-huh. Uh-huh,” said Frank. “Just one more. What would happen if we all just started coming here for vacation? You think we could just walk around and hang out with you guys? Or would there have to be a big war and stuff?”

“Ugh,” I said, groaning at first and scratching the back of my head. “Not-gonna-lie to you, probably would be a pretty nasty war.”

Frank nodded, then recieved my beer after I finished chugging it and handed it back to him. “Yeah, that’s sorta the feeling we got over here, to.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, you know, that’s just the way it goes I guess. I don’t have any problem with you guys though.”

“Of course,” said Boondock, bowing then taking me in for a handshake. “You seem like a decent fella. Well, see you around.”

“Okay, thanks guys. Good luck with the Princess.”

They all laughed. “Shit man, you guys got no idea what it’s like out there. We’re trying to just stay here for another week or two, but doubt we’ll get permission.”

“Where you gonna stay?” I asked.

“We wanted to scope out disneyland, but our superiors won’t let us.”

“Shitty,” I said. “Space mountain is pretty cool.”

“Yeah, that’s what we’ve heard. Have a good one, bud!” Said Tom, before he turned the orange ray back on and let me down to the ground gently. I waved to all three of them when I was back on my feet, and they waved back.

Taking Reptilley by the leash again, we continued on our walk. “They’re not too bad. I wish their princess wasn’t so mean.” Reptilley agreed, and I returned to whistling once more.


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