Lumberjack Sam

At a big business party, all the suits were in full attendance, laughing and drinking and carousing as suits must do. There was one particular employee, however, who wore a big burly beard. He wore suspenders to work everyday, big tall boots, and often times told tales about the trees he’d chopped down, and the ten years he spent living in a cabin on a snowy mountain, seeing nobody and being visited by no one.

They allowed him to work there on the basis that he was simply the best at what he did. He never took breaks, arrived early everyday, and handled every report and procedural conduct like he was born with the innate ability to be good at things. Yet, though they nicknamed him, ‘Lumberjack Sam’, his fellow employees didn’t like him very much. They often spoke of reasons to dismiss him(none pertaining to his ability to work) and always stared smugly at him, as if he was a figure to look down upon for merely the way he dressed and the way he handled other people.

At this particular business party, Lumberjack Sam was sitting in the far back corner, drinking a beer by himself(as usual), when suddenly, he busted out a guitar, made his way to center stage, sat down on a little stool, and started playing a country style tune. Here’s how it went.

“Hello everybody my name is Sam and I am that damn old lumberjack man,

The one who dresses like a pig, beard to big and run down sleeves,

He chops down wood all in his sleep and damn his pits smell like disease,

I just came to tell you all, that I’m too old to deal with yall,

‘Cause life’s too short to live like a fart, too whine and moan then fuckin’ groan,

I came here to tell you today that fuck your troubles I’m goin’ away,

‘Cause I done worked a time or two, and fuck me silly I done better than you,

I did the shit I was supposed too, then checked it twice and gave it to you,

You have these parties where I don’t mean shit, y’all just hope I up and quit,

Well guess what you dumb ignorant sons, I’m the reason this company runs,

Without me you won’t do shit, just talk about some other bitch,

Think of me a time or two, still rememberin’ how I beat you,

That’s when you’ll see just what I do, mean much more than your kiss-ass views,

‘Cause there’s this thing that’s called money, and that shit don’t just grow on trees,

So tell your friends you like ’em all, hell tell yourself you’re extra tall,

But when it comes down to it friends, remember when this company ends,

That I came here and you heard me speak, and did away with all that sheet,

You let me go because, I know, I’m too damn grumpy and fuckin’ old,

But there is this thing at work you do, try it once or a time or two,

‘Cause when you care about political things, you lose the one who actually brings,

The money in into your wallet, ’cause those damn coins don’t just deposit,

I make the cents and I make the dollars, but now I’m gone so don’t be bothered,

Have fun with your drinks and shit, but remember when this company fails,

it’s cause Lumberjack Sam just up and bailed.”

Lumberjack Sam walked off the stage, and was never seen again. Curiously, however, two years later, after the company was bought and every employee was laid off, it came after the purchase by a billionaire wearing tall black boots who had a beard down to his chest.

– Thomas M. Watt


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