Keeping up with the Kardashians!.. and mcwatty9

ImageSome of you may have already heard, but in case you haven’t, I’ve been invited to be a part of the newest season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. That’s right, yours truly! Here’s how it went.

Int. – Dining room table – lavishly decorated. The family is all there – McWatty9, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Bruce Jenner, Rob, and the lesser known little boy with a thumb growing out from his forehead that the cameramen always make sure to avoid. Everything seems to be fine, and the family is all cutting and eating steak. Kris turns to McWatty9.

KRIS

McWatty9, how come you never came with us to the beach today?

MCWATTY9

(Putting down fork and knife) Oh, sorry Mrs. Kris. I wanted to go, but I am trying to get my book published, so I really have to get done editing before I can submit it.

KRIS

(Nods, then raises dark eyebrows as she returns to her steak)

MCWATTY9

(Smiles, happy to relieve the tension, returns to his meal as well)

KHLOE

But, don’t you think it’s important for you to spend time with us? I mean, I just feel like you’re spending all day with that novel.

MCWATTY9

(Returning fork and knife to table, chewing down food, wiping clean face with napkin)

Yes, I know, it’s just that I don’t really have any money, and I won’t make a single dollar until I can sell this thing, you know?

KHLOE

(shakes head, returns to steak)

MCWATTY9

(Takes a breath for a moment, has a sip of red wine)

KOURTNEY

Yeah but why is money so important to you? There’s more to life than money, you know. I just feel like it’s important you spend more time with us, is all.

MCWATTY9

(Setting glass of wine back down, smearing lips on T-shirt sleeve) Yeah, I know. It’s true, money isn’t everything. But I’m kind of, like, a little broke right now. So I just need to get a little bit of money first, but as soon as I get some, I promise I’ll spend more time with all you guys.

ROB

(Punching fist into table) Dammit McWatty9, all you ever think about is yourself. (Leaving table, kicks a little dog into the wall on the way out)

KIM

Why can’t you at least try to spend more time with us McWatty9? I mean, at least take a break once in a while.

MCWATTY9

(Smearing the pants of his leg, scratching the back of his head, exhaling into the ball of his fist) Okay, you guys. You do understand that I’m making nothing here, right? I mean, I don’t got shit. Last time I went out with you all, it only took five hours to blow through the rest of my savings. I’m honestly beginning to question if it was even a good idea for me come on your show in the first place.

KRIS

(Grabbing a white napkin in hand, smacking it down into the table) It’s not a show, it’s a family. And if you can’t accept that than maybe it’s better off you leave.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping over his thighs) Look, I’m sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have said that. You guys know I’d love to hang around and talk about my feelings all day, but it’s just a lot harder when you’re broke and nobody else actually cares about your feelings, you know?

KHLOE

Of course we care about your feelings!

MCWATTY9

(Groaning, forcing hands through his hair) Okay, well, maybe you guys do. The problem’s not the feelings so much as the lack of money. Why did Ryan Seacrest throw me on here? You guys spend like, ten thousand dollars a day. In the non-published writing industry, that kind of money is the equivalent of ordering a latte instead of a coffee every morning. It just doesn’t happen.

BRUCE JENNER

You do know I won a gold metal, don’t you?

MCWATTY9

(shaking head) Yeah… why?

BRUCE JENNER

Just making sure.

LITTLE BOY WITH THUMB GROWING OUT FROM HIS FOREHEAD

Mama?

KRIS

(Hurrying to find broomstick, retrieves broomstick, sweeps little boy out of the room) Back to the basement, sweetheart.

KOURTNEY

McWatty9, I think you need to come out with us more. You’ll have a good time, I promise!

(Rest of the family all claps, agrees, then sips wine with smirks on their faces, angling their glances at McWatty9)

MCWATTY9

(Pulling hair out)

Everybody, please try to understand. I don’t have any money. You have lots of money. Unless you want to play monopoly every night while we drink water, I don’t think you want me around.

KHLOE

Don’t be such a bum, McWatty9!

KOURTNEY

Yeah, why can’t you just get a normal job?

MCWATTY9

I just… I really want to do this writing thing. It’s important to me.

KIM

More important than spending time with your new family?

MCWATTY9

No, I don’t mean it that way.

BRUCE JENNER

Hey McWatty.

MCWATTY9

Yeah?

BRUCE JENNER

You know I got a gold metal, don’t you.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping shoulders, sighing)

Okay, look. I have about fifty dollars. I’ll just go spend it all and then plunge into massive debt if that’ll make everybody happy.

KARDASHIAN FAMILY

Yay!!

END SCENE

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5 thoughts on “Keeping up with the Kardashians!.. and mcwatty9

  1. You know, this is frighteningly real – especially sweeping the toddler back into the basement with a broom.

    Reminds me of what they said when Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, about their adopted children when they got a divorce: “Reportedly, Mr. Cruise returned the kids to the Universal props department.” Amy

  2. This is the best thing i have read today. Haha. How come i havent read it before?! Awesome. Your wit is outstanding. Quick and sharp, to the point. Now i’ll go and buy a rose myself, as i assume they are all gone hahaha

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