McWatty9: The Bachelor

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Int. – Big room filled with beautiful woman in ankle length dresses, high heels, and perfect smiles. McWatty9 looking ruggishly handsome in a sweet suit that cost upwards of fifty million dollars.

MCWATTY9

Hello ladies. As many of you may have guessed, I am looking for one of you to wed. All my life I’ve been dating beautiful woman, but could never quite find the right match. Then one day I thought – why not? What better place to meet your future wife then a reality show where it’s already predetermined you’re going to pop the question to a woman you  haven’t even met yet?

Cut to the chase – Ext. – scenic view. McWatty9 is out on a date with Tina. They are drinking mimosas and smiling the successful kind of way. Both are staring into each others eyes and in the far background, waves can be seen breaking on the shore, palm tree branches are swept up by the wind, and a gardener is picking up dog shit in the corner of the screen.

MCWATTY9

Melanie, I can’t get over how beautiful your eyes look. They’re so blue, like the ocean, or… waves in the ocean.

TINA

(Placing hand over McWatty9’s hand, still smiling succesfully) McWatty9, that’s so sweet! But I’m not Melanie, I’m Tina.

McWatty9

(Taken aback) Oh, that’s right. Sorry. How could I forget, Melanie’s got those green eyes that are… so green. Like the grass, or… a front lawn in a country club.

TINA

Aw, McWatty9! (Pressing hands into her chest) You’re so good with words!

Int. – Small room with decorative paintings in the background. McWatty9 sits alone before the camera, discussing his date with Tina. He appears giddy)

MCWATTY9

Man! These chicks love me over here! I’ve never received so much attention in my life! All I do is keep sayin’ shit about the color of their eyes! This is great!

INT. – Fine Resturant. McWatty9 is on a special dinner date with Melanie.

MCWATTY9

Melanie, your eyes are so… beautiful.

MELANIE

McWatty9, all you ever talk about is my eyes. Can we just talk about something else, please?

MCWATTY9

(Scratching back of head) Melanie, your teeth… they’re so, white! White as a… piano key!

MELANIE

(smiling again) Do you really mean that?

(The waitress approaches, she is a very attractive brunette with tattoos down her arm)

WAITRESS

Are you two ready to order?

MCWATTY9

(Looks over menu briefly, slowly raises glance to waitress, from her waist, through her bosom, then back to her waist, then to her face)

You know I’m the bachelor, right?

WAITRESS

Um. Yeah.

MCWATTY9

(Pointing his index finger at the waitress as if it is a gun) In that case, I’ll have you.

WAITRESS

Sir, I’m sorry but I’m not on the menu.

MCWATTY9

You know, you have some of the nicest eyes I’ve ever seen.

WAITRESS

…Thanks.

(Waitress exits)

MELANIE

What the heck?

MCWATTY9

What?

MELANIE

What the hell was that? You just totally hit on her right in front of me!

MCWATTY9

Jeeze, someone’s a little possessive. Guess I know who’s isn’t getting a rose.

INT. – Rose ceremony. All but one rose is left.

MCWATTY9

And the final rose goes to… the waitress!

PRODUCER (off-screen)

Uhh. You have to pick one of the contestants.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping shoulders) Fine. The final rose goes to… whoever wants to sleep with me tonight!

The girls appear angry, disgusted, confused, then, ever so slowly, and one by one, they all gradually raise their hands.

END SCENE

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