Int. – About thirty people enter the room. Mirrors cover three of the walls, while one window sits facing the outside, where all the pervs sit to watch. Most of the practitioners are women, several are men, and all have brought with them curled up mats as well as a single foam brick. McWatty9, the yogi for the class, stands at the front, with a microphone earpiece running along his cheek.
Welcome folks, welcome. I’m so happy to be leading you all in your journey towards becoming better looking today. I’m especially excited to see the girl in the red tank top do upward dog, and not so much the fat bald guy in the back corner. Yes you, with the bag of potato chips.
Are you sure you are properly trained to teach this course?
(Closing eyes, nodding patiently, speaking with a soothing tone)
Yes Bill, yes.
(With underwear over his head, wearing a suit)
New controller should arrive tomorrow.
(Sounding very distressed, walking hurriedly over to the big black box that is called a ‘stereo’)
Yes, yes, yes! Well, my little yoginies, it is time to start with our flexibility. Let me get my yoga mix started, and while I’m at it, I want you to stand there and practice your breathing.
(As the class all stands there and practices their breathing, the eight-mile soundtrack begins blaring at a decibel so loud Snobert blows his eardrums. Snobert screams)
Get outta here Snobert! You’re disrupting the class!
(Bill and Snobert share a hug, Snobert leaves)
Now then, I want everybody to inhale.
Now exhale. Then inhale. Then exhale. Then inhale twice. Then exhale four times. Try to inhale super loudly. Now exhale quietly. Now try to inhale in your left nostril while simultaneously exhaling out your right.
(Aaron, the guy in the suit with underwear over his head, falls over)
Great. Now stick your right arm in. Now take your right arm out. Now put your left foot in. Now shake it all about. Very good. Very very good.
(The Hokey-pokey continues for sometime, until the entire song is finally finished)
Now, I want everybody to bring their foam bricks forward to me please.
(After receiving all of the foam bricks, McWatty9 builds an igloo with them)
There we go. That’s what those things are actually for. And I’m forbidden to say what the elastic straps you all brought are actually intended to do. Okay, now everybody, sit down.
Now stand up.
Sit down. Stand up. Breath. Jump in the air. Wave your arms. Spin around. Do the worm. Start break-dancing. Do the Homeless Joe. Do a hand stand. Do a headstand. Try to fold your legs into a pretzel. Try to get out of the pretzel. Now lay down and wait there until I tell you to stop.
(Five days later)
Very good, everyone! (Sitting down with his knees pointed out, hands pressed together at his sternum, closes his eyes and nods)
Aaron sounds like a fuckin idiot
That’s because you are.