Dear Nineteen Year Old Self

Dear nineteen year old self,

Remember how you used to wonder why all the girls your age liked the older guys? And how you couldn’t understand why the older guys were able to walk away from the ‘hotties’ like they meant nothing to them? Guess what – We finally figured it out!

The answer is, as you get older, life happens, and you actually have to do shit. So, you no longer pretend like you have shit to do, but you actually really do have shit to do! As far as maturity goes, I wouldn’t worry too much about that, just try to pretend like your mature. Maturity doesn’t actually happen to guys, they just learn how to trick people better.

And when girls talk about how they really like dreamers and whimsical guys? Yeah, I would pretty much ignore that. Just try to complement them a lot and listen when you talk. They really don’t care about your biceps half as much as you think. In fact, as you get older, you will start to learn that nobody really gives a shit about you! For this reason, you should probably take your work a little more seriously, and that girl who takes really long to text you back a little less.

Sincerely yours,

Your older self.

Bearded Sam Plays Poker

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Three men in suits were seated in a semi-circle around a poker table. They were playing Texas style Hold ‘Em, and were very advanced in their level of play. Interrupting their monotonous game, bearded Sam stumbled into their table.

“Mind if I join ya?” Bearded Sam collapsed into his seat, spilling his beer onto the green felt as he did.

The first hand he played, he went all-in before the flop.

The three suits all folded, but smirked to one another as they did, knowing full well a fish had sat down to play with them, and his money was theirs for the taking.

So the three suits got away from their normally tight-handed play, in order to entertain bearded Sam, in order to take advantage of his disregard for their more advanced level of play.

But something funny happened – The bearded Sam won. He won hand after hand, and pretty soon the suits were the ones making all the bad bets, and he was the one choosing his hands more carefully.

Twenty minutes later, the dude rounded up a three-hundred dollar pot, stood proud with his hands at his hips, and looked down to the three suits around him.

The three suits had no more chips and they all sat with their arms crossed, befuddled, and shaking their heads at one another as they complained at bearded Sam’s ridiculous luck.

Bearded Sam, however, set his beer on the table, ran a hand through his hair, then chuckled as he spoke.

“All you tools claim to know rules to play not with dice but statistics entice,

You to just think you don’t play against me like you’re not human too like you control what you do.

Well I’m lettin’ you in on one simple truth and that’s that men are more than you think,

That playin’ a game ‘gainst opponents like you is the easiest thing I ever damn do.

You’re boring as hell and mostly just tell all that you’ve got, before the pre-flop.

I know how you play and I know all you know, and I know pretty damn well just how that play goes.

So I come here and sit down today like a damn drunk man livin’ in decay.

And lo and behold well what d’ya know, you got off your game like you’d a been paid!

Story is simple I’ll tell how it goes – that the truth of the matter is the greatest expose,

The weak of the masses the error of the many, the fact that most people prefer what’s just gravy.

But people like me they’re wild you see, don’t care too much ’bout suits like you fucks.

Instead I just go on studying all a you, findin’ out how to somehow expound,

The thought of the many, all just like you, the thought that you’re better because a what you all do.

I play that to my advantage as you surely have seen I come here and act like a dumb hillbilly,

All just to get you to go off your game all just so you think I lost my own name.

Meanwhile you all been suckin’ your thumbs, eager with greed to catch on my flubs,

Bet you didn’t notice just how you been played, that the whole time my plays gettin’ paid,

That gives me power to come here and say, that dude drunk as Hell just fucked up your day!”

Bearded Sam raised his empty beer mug, wished them all cheers, then left.

– Thomas M. Watt