Self Doubt and the Assumption of Guilt

I just woke from a dream that contains a lot of the building blocks for a successful plot. In the dream, a schoolbook was circulating through national news due to its connection to an unsolved crime that occurred decades earlier. On the inside cover of the book there was an address and a phone number. I immediately recognized the number, address, and handwriting to be my own – but I had no part in any crime.

I took it upon myself to contact the detectives, despite my father’s warning for potential consequences. My neighbors spoke to me afterward and I realized that I wasn’t the only person to recognize the book belonged to me. Be assured this was all still a dream – which did include several giant spiders and a detective who forgot he was still on the line midway through our conversation.

I woke up with a hazy wondering about whether my friends might have been responsible for this non-existent crime. I even considered my own guilt, despite not knowing what crime had even taken place. I guess that’s what this post is about.

Nothing feels worse than being interrogated – having your words, body language, and moral compass subjected to scrutiny. Now imagine that instead of being interrogated by a detective to clear your name you are defending a composition of your own creativity to a judgmental audience.

“Is it good, or bad?” Just as the detective is studying you on whether he believes in your innocence, any audience will analyze your work in an effort to determine the worthiness of its existence. When someone criticizes our artistic work we immediately discover reasonings within ourselves for why we failed as an artist.

I am very much put off by youtube channels that review films and determine whether they were a failure or success. In the same way I find any personality similar to Simon Cowell of American Idol a complete fraud. We offer so much attention, weight, and undeserved elevation to personalities who consistently judge others and embellish their own qualifications for reserving the God complex in their respective fields.

When you are determined to improve at your chosen craft you will recognize talents, abilities, and the observance of principles in the works of others at your level. You will hopefully find yourself hesitant to eternally damn the careers of others as they depend on the same improvements that you must make in order to find success. It is only when we have ceased to look inward and strive for personal betterment that we can sit comfortably in the judges chair.

Searching within for your own shortcomings is not a confession of guilt; it is a product of humility and willingness to learn. When we shield ourselves from introspection, reflection, and our own inadequecies, we simultaneously shield ourselves from the ability to empathize, develop, and create effectively. Resist the urge to sit in the judges chair and learn to sit comfortably under scrutiny.

I know I have been away from here for a while now. I became preoccupied with building an instagram and facebook audience for “Mountain Cult.” I have some followers on there, but somehow that led to my getting more involved in music production. I swear my brain feels like it floats and turns with the seasons. My tendency toward obsession never halts but the object of its fascination always does. Anyways, “Mountain Cult – Doctor with the Red Houseware” has already won at 3 different festivals and has been selected for a handful of them. I am trying to submit it for distribution through filmhub but am having trouble understanding some of the spec requirements. I plan to release the film this month regardless.

Check out the IMDB page for it if you’d like. Hope to write here again soon.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt17677268/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

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