Let me Explain…

Ok. After surgery yesterday all was well. In fact, thanks to my prescription of Oxycontin and a number of other drugs, life couldn’t have been better. I just finished typing up a rambling blog post and was sitting back to enjoy, “Now you see me,” when I realized something –

I couldn’t move my left hand. It was dead to the touch hours after surgery. I tried to wiggle my fingers, but none would budge.

After dialing several random numbers of friends who couldn’t help even if they wanted, I tore outside, wearing half-a-shirt and some pajama pants.

To put it simply, I was freaking out. Man.

I pounded on my neighbor’s door, continuing well after he’d spotted me through the window and was fast already approaching. I told him about my hand, asking if it was normal (Don’t you love asking questions when you’re panicking?).

He got his shoes on and we were readying to go to the E.R. when I was reminded there was an on-call number to dial. I called it, and shortly discovered that my symptoms were completely normal. I had received a nerve block, which apparently blocks your nerves from working… for a temporary amount of time.

I spent the next ten minutes sitting on my couch sweating profusely and breathing heavily. Hysteria is not so fun when you are high on drugs.

Surgery Yesterday

This picture is actually being taken as I write this sentence. That’s right, using only the mouse. Don’t ask me how, this kind of technology has not been made available to the public yet.

Will be here much over the next week. One handed pen-edits? No problem. One-handed typing? Sloooowwww.

You can see my sleep station beside. It’s that white blanket.

Probably not going to be traveling much further than here.

McWatty9’s Yoga Class For People Who Want To Take A Yoga Class

Int. – About thirty people enter the room. Mirrors cover three of the walls, while one window sits facing the outside, where all the pervs sit to watch. Most of the practitioners are women, several are men, and all have brought with them curled up mats as well as a single foam brick. McWatty9, the yogi for the class, stands at the front, with a microphone earpiece running along his cheek.

MCWATTY9

Welcome folks, welcome. I’m so happy to be leading you all in your journey towards becoming better looking today. I’m especially excited to see the girl in the red tank top do upward dog, and not so much the fat bald guy in the back corner. Yes you, with the bag of potato chips.

BIll

Are you sure you are properly trained to teach this course?

MCWATTY9

(Closing eyes, nodding patiently, speaking with a soothing tone)

Yes Bill, yes.

Aaron

(With underwear over his head, wearing a suit)

New controller should arrive tomorrow.

MCWATTY9

(Sounding very distressed, walking hurriedly over to the big black box that is called a ‘stereo’)

Yes, yes, yes! Well, my little yoginies, it is time to start with our flexibility. Let me get my yoga mix started, and while I’m at it, I want you to stand there and practice your breathing.

(As the class all stands there and practices their breathing, the eight-mile soundtrack begins blaring at a decibel so loud Snobert blows his eardrums. Snobert screams)

MCWATTY9

Get outta here Snobert! You’re disrupting the class!

(Bill and Snobert share a hug, Snobert leaves)

MCWATTY9

Now then, I want everybody to inhale.

(They do)

McWATTY9

Now exhale. Then inhale. Then exhale. Then inhale twice. Then exhale four times. Try to inhale super loudly. Now exhale quietly. Now try to inhale in your left nostril while simultaneously exhaling out your right.

(Aaron, the guy in the suit with underwear over his head, falls over)

MCWATTY9

Great. Now stick your right arm in. Now take your right arm out. Now put your left foot in. Now shake it all about. Very good. Very very good.

(The Hokey-pokey continues for sometime, until the entire song is finally finished)

McWatty9

Now, I want everybody to bring their foam bricks forward to me please.

(After receiving all of the foam bricks, McWatty9 builds an igloo with them)

MCWATTY9

There we go. That’s what those things are actually for. And I’m forbidden to say what the elastic straps you all brought are actually intended to do. Okay, now everybody, sit down.

(Everyone does)

MCWATTY9

Now stand up.

(They do)

Sit down. Stand up. Breath. Jump in the air. Wave your arms. Spin around. Do the worm. Start break-dancing. Do the Homeless Joe. Do a hand stand. Do a headstand. Try to fold your legs into a pretzel. Try to get out of the pretzel. Now lay down and wait there until I tell you to stop.

(Five days later)

MCWATTY9

Very good, everyone! (Sitting down with his knees pointed out, hands pressed together at his sternum, closes his eyes and nods)

No-more-stay.

THE CLASS

No-more-stay.

END SCENE

McWatty9: The Bachelor

Int. – Big room filled with beautiful woman in ankle length dresses, high heels, and perfect smiles. McWatty9 looking ruggishly handsome in a sweet suit that cost upwards of fifty million dollars.

MCWATTY9

Hello ladies. As many of you may have guessed, I am looking for one of you to wed. All my life I’ve been dating beautiful woman, but could never quite find the right match. Then one day I thought – why not? What better place to meet your future wife then a reality show where it’s already predetermined you’re going to pop the question to a woman you  haven’t even met yet?

Cut to the chase – Ext. – scenic view. McWatty9 is out on a date with Tina. They are drinking mimosas and smiling the successful kind of way. Both are staring into each others eyes and in the far background, waves can be seen breaking on the shore, palm tree branches are swept up by the wind, and a gardener is picking up dog shit in the corner of the screen.

MCWATTY9

Melanie, I can’t get over how beautiful your eyes look. They’re so blue, like the ocean, or… waves in the ocean.

TINA

(Placing hand over McWatty9’s hand, still smiling succesfully) McWatty9, that’s so sweet! But I’m not Melanie, I’m Tina.

McWatty9

(Taken aback) Oh, that’s right. Sorry. How could I forget, Melanie’s got those green eyes that are… so green. Like the grass, or… a front lawn in a country club.

TINA

Aw, McWatty9! (Pressing hands into her chest) You’re so good with words!

Int. – Small room with decorative paintings in the background. McWatty9 sits alone before the camera, discussing his date with Tina. He appears giddy)

MCWATTY9

Man! These chicks love me over here! I’ve never received so much attention in my life! All I do is keep sayin’ shit about the color of their eyes! This is great!

INT. – Fine Resturant. McWatty9 is on a special dinner date with Melanie.

MCWATTY9

Melanie, your eyes are so… beautiful.

MELANIE

McWatty9, all you ever talk about is my eyes. Can we just talk about something else, please?

MCWATTY9

(Scratching back of head) Melanie, your teeth… they’re so, white! White as a… piano key!

MELANIE

(smiling again) Do you really mean that?

(The waitress approaches, she is a very attractive brunette with tattoos down her arm)

WAITRESS

Are you two ready to order?

MCWATTY9

(Looks over menu briefly, slowly raises glance to waitress, from her waist, through her bosom, then back to her waist, then to her face)

You know I’m the bachelor, right?

WAITRESS

Um. Yeah.

MCWATTY9

(Pointing his index finger at the waitress as if it is a gun) In that case, I’ll have you.

WAITRESS

Sir, I’m sorry but I’m not on the menu.

MCWATTY9

You know, you have some of the nicest eyes I’ve ever seen.

WAITRESS

…Thanks.

(Waitress exits)

MELANIE

What the heck?

MCWATTY9

What?

MELANIE

What the hell was that? You just totally hit on her right in front of me!

MCWATTY9

Jeeze, someone’s a little possessive. Guess I know who’s isn’t getting a rose.

INT. – Rose ceremony. All but one rose is left.

MCWATTY9

And the final rose goes to… the waitress!

PRODUCER (off-screen)

Uhh. You have to pick one of the contestants.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping shoulders) Fine. The final rose goes to… whoever wants to sleep with me tonight!

The girls appear angry, disgusted, confused, then, ever so slowly, and one by one, they all gradually raise their hands.

END SCENE

Keeping up with the Kardashians!.. and mcwatty9

Some of you may have already heard, but in case you haven’t, I’ve been invited to be a part of the newest season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. That’s right, yours truly! Here’s how it went.

Int. – Dining room table – lavishly decorated. The family is all there – McWatty9, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Bruce Jenner, Rob, and the lesser known little boy with a thumb growing out from his forehead that the cameramen always make sure to avoid. Everything seems to be fine, and the family is all cutting and eating steak. Kris turns to McWatty9.

KRIS

McWatty9, how come you never came with us to the beach today?

MCWATTY9

(Putting down fork and knife) Oh, sorry Mrs. Kris. I wanted to go, but I am trying to get my book published, so I really have to get done editing before I can submit it.

KRIS

(Nods, then raises dark eyebrows as she returns to her steak)

MCWATTY9

(Smiles, happy to relieve the tension, returns to his meal as well)

KHLOE

But, don’t you think it’s important for you to spend time with us? I mean, I just feel like you’re spending all day with that novel.

MCWATTY9

(Returning fork and knife to table, chewing down food, wiping clean face with napkin)

Yes, I know, it’s just that I don’t really have any money, and I won’t make a single dollar until I can sell this thing, you know?

KHLOE

(shakes head, returns to steak)

MCWATTY9

(Takes a breath for a moment, has a sip of red wine)

KOURTNEY

Yeah but why is money so important to you? There’s more to life than money, you know. I just feel like it’s important you spend more time with us, is all.

MCWATTY9

(Setting glass of wine back down, smearing lips on T-shirt sleeve) Yeah, I know. It’s true, money isn’t everything. But I’m kind of, like, a little broke right now. So I just need to get a little bit of money first, but as soon as I get some, I promise I’ll spend more time with all you guys.

ROB

(Punching fist into table) Dammit McWatty9, all you ever think about is yourself. (Leaving table, kicks a little dog into the wall on the way out)

KIM

Why can’t you at least try to spend more time with us McWatty9? I mean, at least take a break once in a while.

MCWATTY9

(Smearing the pants of his leg, scratching the back of his head, exhaling into the ball of his fist) Okay, you guys. You do understand that I’m making nothing here, right? I mean, I don’t got shit. Last time I went out with you all, it only took five hours to blow through the rest of my savings. I’m honestly beginning to question if it was even a good idea for me come on your show in the first place.

KRIS

(Grabbing a white napkin in hand, smacking it down into the table) It’s not a show, it’s a family. And if you can’t accept that than maybe it’s better off you leave.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping over his thighs) Look, I’m sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have said that. You guys know I’d love to hang around and talk about my feelings all day, but it’s just a lot harder when you’re broke and nobody else actually cares about your feelings, you know?

KHLOE

Of course we care about your feelings!

MCWATTY9

(Groaning, forcing hands through his hair) Okay, well, maybe you guys do. The problem’s not the feelings so much as the lack of money. Why did Ryan Seacrest throw me on here? You guys spend like, ten thousand dollars a day. In the non-published writing industry, that kind of money is the equivalent of ordering a latte instead of a coffee every morning. It just doesn’t happen.

BRUCE JENNER

You do know I won a gold metal, don’t you?

MCWATTY9

(shaking head) Yeah… why?

BRUCE JENNER

Just making sure.

LITTLE BOY WITH THUMB GROWING OUT FROM HIS FOREHEAD

Mama?

KRIS

(Hurrying to find broomstick, retrieves broomstick, sweeps little boy out of the room) Back to the basement, sweetheart.

KOURTNEY

McWatty9, I think you need to come out with us more. You’ll have a good time, I promise!

(Rest of the family all claps, agrees, then sips wine with smirks on their faces, angling their glances at McWatty9)

MCWATTY9

(Pulling hair out)

Everybody, please try to understand. I don’t have any money. You have lots of money. Unless you want to play monopoly every night while we drink water, I don’t think you want me around.

KHLOE

Don’t be such a bum, McWatty9!

KOURTNEY

Yeah, why can’t you just get a normal job?

MCWATTY9

I just… I really want to do this writing thing. It’s important to me.

KIM

More important than spending time with your new family?

MCWATTY9

No, I don’t mean it that way.

BRUCE JENNER

Hey McWatty.

MCWATTY9

Yeah?

BRUCE JENNER

You know I got a gold metal, don’t you.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping shoulders, sighing)

Okay, look. I have about fifty dollars. I’ll just go spend it all and then plunge into massive debt if that’ll make everybody happy.

KARDASHIAN FAMILY

Yay!!

END SCENE

Boring Story Teller Guy

Int.  – Dinner table. Bob, who has a horseshoe of baldness atop his head, a grey beard and glasses, is talking to McWatty9.

BOB

So the transcript came through and Barbara and I well, we just sort of read it, and then we re-read it, and then we both smiled at each other and held hands as we reassured our love for one another.

McWatty9

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOB

And then wouldn’t you know it, the dog started barking. Heh! That dog, you know that dog is always barking. I love that dog. So does Barbara. We bathe it twice a week, you know.

MCWATTY9

Wow.

BOB

Yea, we always keep that dog well fed. Feed it kibble and beans, you know. A lot of people don’t know what kibble and beans is, but that’s just because I was sitting in my lawn chair one day, thinking up names of dog food that would seem to make sense, you know, in case I ever wanted to sell dog food one day.

MCWATTY9

(Pounding head into table) Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOB

That’s what I like to do, you know. I like to sit around in my lawn chair and think about stuff. Sometimes I pull my dictionary out, then look up words no one uses and write them down. I try to find a pivotal moment in conversation to use them, you know, so I can look smarter than I actually am.

MCWATTY9

(Leaning back in his chair, tilting way too far, waving his arms, falling over, chair breaks, lying on the floor with his arms out wide) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wow, that sounds pretty smart.

BOB

Yeah, you  know, it’s something i started doing in my younger days. If you ever want to outsmart someone, especially in an argument, just throw something out there they’ve never even heard of before. I always get a good chuckle about it later, when I’m by myself. Sometimes I like to laugh while I pet my dog. I don’t know why, it’s just this thing we do together. Sometimes, when her lips curl up and her tongue wags outside of her mouth, I like to think she’s laughing right along with me.

MCWATTY9

(Picking up broken pieces of wood, bashing them against side of head) Uh-huh. Interesting.

BOB

You know, a lot people don’t know this but, I’m sort of a dog lover. Yes, yes, I know, tough old Bob, they call me. But it isn’t entirely true. Sometimes, when my dog is urinating, I like to pet it.

MCWATTY9

(Standing up, walking to cupboard, smashing face repeatedly into cupboard.) Uh-huh. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. uh-huh.

BOB

Heh. Mangy mutts. That’s what some people call them. I never could understand how someone could not like a dog. They’re so loving and kind. Really fascinating creatures. Not like cats. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I don’t really care too much for cats.

MCWATTY9

(Doing a headstand, pushing off of his head in a headstand push-up, slamming his head repeatedly into the tile floor) Uh-huh. Really? Interesting. Wow. Uh-huh.

BOB

Yeah, because cats don’t care as much to get pet, you know. Cats like to keep to themselves, nothing like dogs. Cats are nothing like dogs, you know. They’re so skinny too. Wimps, I say.

MCWATTY9

(Returning to his feet, walking over to the table, jumping on the table, making snow angels on the table) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Crazy. Fascinating. Tell me more. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOB

As a matter of fact, did you know that cats always land on their feet? I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s true! Did you know that?

MCWATTY9

(Standing up on table, jumping for chandelier, catches chandelier, chanderlier snaps off from chain, Mcwatty9 falls and breaks table, head is bleeding. Paramedics arrive, take McWatty9 out on a stretcher, put him in an ambulance. Bob rides alongside.)

BOB

Yeah, cats I don’t like very much. I never really knew why, but even as a kid, it was always about dogs for me.

MCWATTY9

(Dying slowly) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Keep going. Tell me more. Uh-huh. Fascinating. Uh-huh. Riveting. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

THE END

will never come for people who like to hear themselves talk.

Writer’s Block

The man sat at the computer to type a short story. He didn’t have any ideas, and after one terrible attempt at writing a national anthem for St. Lucia, a country he knew nothing about (besides Nette saying they had good rum), he decided to do the most overdone post a writer ever could do – blog about his writer’s block.

Oh, writer’s block, you savage beast. You are the worst of all the blocks. Like a square that is too big for the square hole. You are really screwing me up, writer’s block, for I am gaining lots of new Watties, and I think important people are starting to pay attention to me. But now you’re going to ruin all that, because you won’t let me think.

I’m left to wonder what will come of this post, I can already see the heads bashing on the keyboard, and am too afraid to know how many readers have already clicked the ‘back’ button, and searched for a more meaningful post.

And yet, I go on. Why? Because you want me too? No, I’m afraid. Because I want me to. Because I like to impress those around me by typing really fast. Because I can only wonder how many girls find fast typists attractive. Because the question of whether or not one’s ability to type could attract a mate is currently consuming my mind, and most likely shall proceed to the rest of the day.

I’ll bet you didn’t know this, dear reader, but petty preoccupations such as the ‘sexual typists’ dilemma bounce around my mind incessantly. I have loads of these strange wonderings, all of which eventually will develop into theories, and these theories will go on to be tested in real life scenarios.

Not to get ahead per-say, or to impress. Just to know. There is a large section of my brain completely dedicated to a constant study of the human condition. I try to write from this section of my brain.

Well, fair well, writer’s block, I suppose I could at least thank you for forcing me into a rendezvous with blogger’s circle.

A-hoy St. Lucia,

Thomas M. Watt

Press Briefing – Aug. 20th, 2013

(Reporters speaking excitedly to one another. They all have the figures out in front of them – McWatty9 is back on top. He’s crushing the World Polls like none of them could have ever predicted. Snobert and Bill exchange a put down and an share smug laugh. McWatty9 walks out from behind the curtain. He is lavishly dressed, handsome as ever and looking mighty dapper in a fine suit. His expression is cocksure, to say the least. He stands behind the podium, and address the Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – My fellow Watties! (Pointing to several reporters in the audience, a short, awkward silence ensues) We did it! I did it! You see those polls? That’s right! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to inform you that yesterday was the greatest day yet in this administration’s history. We had a jaw-dropping seventy-one views, and a staggering thirty-four visitors! Both of those numbers, ladies and gentlemen and Snobert, rank second all time. Ye-aaah!

(McWatty9 punches his arm upwards in triumph and gazes to the ceiling above, but the reporters only cross their legs and scribble on their notepads.)

McWatty9 – We got views from Singapore, France, Croatia, Turkey, Japan, United Kingdom, and the U S of A. We got some more Watties, the following has grown to seventy. We got adamant support from sharplittlepencil, who has single handedly lobbied for us day and night. We got more hot girls comin’ in like crazy, we got former hot girls still checkin’ on ma blog, we got a hot tub date with a hot girl sometime this week! YEEEEEAAHHHH!!!

(Reporters shake their heads, cross their legs in the feminine style, place their fingers against their temples in a very intellectual fashion.)

McWatty9 – We got two pictures posted, we got tons of likes, we got new comments, a new lay out. Things are going great for this administration ladies and gentlemen!

Bill – (Standing up and yelling) McWatty9 aren’t you concerned that the number of posts you’re putting up per day is reckless to say the least, and at this rate your quality work can’t possibly last?

McWatty9 – Suck-it Bill!

Bill – But-

McWatty9 – I said suck-it! Sit down.

(Bill sits back down, disgruntled. Snobert comforts him with a shoulder rub.)

McWatty9 – So ladies and gentlemen, in summary – tons of views, new followers, hot girls, that one guy from India hasn’t been back, and King Everything Iz Great and I are off to grab a crumpet and discuss some of his administrations policies for the United Kingdom. Namely, his philosophy on hugging every person you meet, and how to enforce that into a rule for all the people. So thank you, good luck, and suck-it Bill.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, reporters gravely concerned about so much enthusiasm from a leader, distressed by his lack of worry, overwhelmed by the fact that he just told Bill to suck-it.)

El Watto News Alert – Aug. 19th

El Guapo – Hola amigos, buenos dias. We have just been informed, that mister McWatty9 is very sad, he is very depressed, his blog is doing very very poorly. We have live footage of heem, and he is not looking very good. Not good at all. We turn now to Carmen, who is a very nice lady, and she is live at the scene. Carmen? Can you hear me?

(Camera cuts to Carmen, who is holding an ear piece in her ear. Behind her, there is a man lying on the sidewalk, his back to the ground. There is a beer in his hand and he is staring somberly into the sky straight above)

Carmen – Thanks El Guapo. If you look behind me, you might think you are staring at a homeless person, or some sort of pathetic life form trying to garner attention. It is, in fact neither. Let’s take a closer look.

(Carmen waves inwardly, and the camera zooms in for a close up. It is a Fosters brew in the sad man’s hand. Camera pans out, returns to Carmen.)

Carmen – It is this evidence which leads us to believe this piece of garbage behind me is actually once rising star blogger McWatty9. In some of his earlier news briefings, he discussed his disdain for Fosters beer. For this reason, we can only assume he has plunged into such a dismal depression he could think himself to be so low as to stoop to the worst most distasteful brew distributed throughout the modern world. Now, zoom in for another look, and this time take notice of his face.

(Camera zooms in, the trashy man’s eyes are blood red. Camera zooms out)

Carmen – That’s right folks, did you see his eyes? Clearly the result of either heavy drinking, or pussy tears.

(The live feed switches back to El Guapo at the main station)

El Guapo – Carmen? You alluded to ‘pussy tears’? Could you please describe that for our viewers at home please?

(Camera shifts back to Carmen, who is smiling pleasantly as she nods)

Carmen – Certainly. Here in the real world, when a grown man cries it’s typically considered what’s known as, ‘being a pussy’. The common remedies include…

(Carmen pauses as she lifts a piece of paper up into the camera shot, then reads from it)

Carmen – Okay, typical remedies include such events as ‘having real problems’ and ‘dealing with it’. Also highly suggested, is what’s known on the streets here as, and I quote,  ‘growing the fuck up’, as well as ‘grow a fuckin’ sack’.

(View shifts back to El Guapo, who is shuffling through papers and smiling politely.)

El Guappo – Very good stuff Carmen, thank you for reporting.

(View returns to Carmen)

Carmen – Certainly. Back to you, El Guapo.

(Feed ends)

McWatt News Alert – Aug. 19th

At this hour – Wattie nation is in serious peril. McWatty9 is struggling for views, lacking visitors, and many are wondering if their once great leader can possibly come out of his ever plunging decline at the world polls. He’s left many friendly comments, read a great many articles, and received practically no feedback, likes or visits for all his strenuous efforts.

On a single positive note, McWatt news team has confirmed that Matt Mullenweg indeed liked one of McWatty9’s earlier postings. Matt Mullenweg, of course, is a surfing legend and timezone operator in the universe that is WordPress. We will bring you more updates as soon as we have them, but as for now, McWatty9 is heading towards catastrophe. The streets outside our news tower are filled with bloggers chanting for his impeachment, and several Watties have even politely requested an early resignation. To keep up with the latest, stay tuned to McWatt News, where the post are always bold.