Lisa Emme – Tooth and Claw!

Thomas M. Watt: Today we’re featuring one of my favorite indie authors, Lisa Emme. She’s the author of the Harry Russo Diaries series, and the first installment (Dead and Kicking) continues to receive 5 star reviews. What motivated you to write this series?

Lisa Emme: It sounds totally cliché, but the characters motivated me. I had this idea for Harry, the entire opening scene of Dead and Kicking in fact, playing out in my head for some time. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. What happened next? Who was Harry? I’m a huge urban fantasy and paranormal romance fan, so it was natural for me to think that this was a story I wanted to learn more about, a story I’d want to read, so I started writing it. I had to write it so I could find out what happened!

Dead and Kicking features zombies, vampires and communication with the dead. Does the sequel introduce any new horrifying characters or paranormal activities that you’d be kind enough to warn us about?

LE: As a matter-of-fact, yes. Book two, Tooth and Claw, introduces you more to the Fae side of the supernatural world. There’s a psychotic ‘elf’ (he hates being called that), blood-thirsty pixies and even homicidal redcaps. For those not familiar with redcaps, they are called that because they soak their hats in the blood of their victims so that it drips continually down their faces in gory streaks. Of course, werewolves, vampires and zombies are still in the mix as well. Harry’s world is bursting with supernatural beings. There’s never a dull moment.

If Harry Russo met Cole Sear from The Sixth Sense, how do you think their conversation would go?

LE: Ha! That’s a good question. Hmmm, maybe something like….

Cole: I see dead people.
Harry: Yeah, kid. I know. Me too.
Cole: They’re just walking around like regular people…They don’t know they’re dead.
Harry: Yeah, I get that, but listen kid, you probably shouldn’t go around telling everyone that you see dead people. They’re going to think you’re not right in the head. You know what I mean? They’ll think you’re a…
Cole: That I’m a freak.
Harry: Yeah, something like that. So keep it on the down-low, all right? And if a ghost is bugging you, just tell them to take a hike. You’re not their grief counsellor.
Cole: You ever feel the prickly things on the back of your neck? And the tiny hairs on your arms, you know when they stand up?

Harry: Okay, now you’re kind of just creeping me out, kid. Enough already.
Cole: I don’t wanna be scared anymore.
Harry: Look…if all else fails, use this. [Harry hands Cole a Taser] Nothing gets rid of ghosts faster than a 1200 volt jolt.
Cole: [Looks at the Taser with glee] Thanks, Harry.
Harry: Don’t mention it, kid. I mean, really…don’t tell your mom I gave you that. And if Tommy Tammisimo ends up flopping on the ground like a fish, I’ll deny ever having met you.

Before Harry Russo embarks on her second journey, she stops by your house and asks for some advice. What do you tell her?

LE: I would probably tell her to get her head out of the sand and quit denying her abilities. I’d also tell her to quit pretending she doesn’t just want to throw herself at Nash and to go for it. But that’s just me, and maybe I’ve been single too long…

You’ve mentioned that you were an avid reader before deciding to craft your own tales. Do you view stories any differently now that you’re designing them?

LE: That’s a tough one. I guess I do. I think it’s hard to take off that writer hat once you have it on. I find myself analysing an author’s style. How they write their dialog, how they handle scene transitions, the POV they write in, etc. Everything I read is a learning opportunity, a chance to think about what really worked and didn’t for the story. I actually think that the way I see stories changed before I started writing. In fact, it’s probably why I decided to start writing. I can remember reading a book and it turned out that it wasn’t particularly well written (it was just plain awful), yet it was hugely popular, I mean insanely popular and I thought to myself that I could write a much better story.

Thank you so much for dropping by, Lisa!

Thanks for having me. I appreciate the opportunity for your readers to get to know me. I hope if they want to know more they’ll stop by my website (www.lisaemme.com). I’d love to hear from them.

Author Bio:

Lisa Emme is a Canadian who proudly ends her ABC’s with ‘zed’. A self-professed book-a-holic, she has spent the last few years trying to stem her book hoarding tendencies by writing her own stories and by avoiding the bargain table at the bookstore like the plague.

A bit of a thrill seeker, Lisa has tried such death defying activities as bungy jumping off a bridge and rappelling down the side of a 17 storey building. She’s also single-handedly raising a teenager.

Lisa has worked as a veterinary assistant, playground instructor, bank teller, store clerk, waitress, telephone solicitor, research writer for an environmental think tank, computer programmer, and systems analyst. Her passion, however, is writing. What else is she going to do during the long, cold, prairie winter?

Lisa would love to hear from you. You can find her here:

Website: www.lisaemme.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/LisaEmmeBooks/
Twitter: @LisaEmmeBooks
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/LisaEmmeBooks/
Instagram: www.instagram.com/lisa.emme.books

ORDER TOOTH AND CLAW TODAY!!

• Thomas M. Watt

Writer’s Block

The man sat at the computer to type a short story. He didn’t have any ideas, and after one terrible attempt at writing a national anthem for St. Lucia, a country he knew nothing about (besides Nette saying they had good rum), he decided to do the most overdone post a writer ever could do – blog about his writer’s block.

Oh, writer’s block, you savage beast. You are the worst of all the blocks. Like a square that is too big for the square hole. You are really screwing me up, writer’s block, for I am gaining lots of new Watties, and I think important people are starting to pay attention to me. But now you’re going to ruin all that, because you won’t let me think.

I’m left to wonder what will come of this post, I can already see the heads bashing on the keyboard, and am too afraid to know how many readers have already clicked the ‘back’ button, and searched for a more meaningful post.

And yet, I go on. Why? Because you want me too? No, I’m afraid. Because I want me to. Because I like to impress those around me by typing really fast. Because I can only wonder how many girls find fast typists attractive. Because the question of whether or not one’s ability to type could attract a mate is currently consuming my mind, and most likely shall proceed to the rest of the day.

I’ll bet you didn’t know this, dear reader, but petty preoccupations such as the ‘sexual typists’ dilemma bounce around my mind incessantly. I have loads of these strange wonderings, all of which eventually will develop into theories, and these theories will go on to be tested in real life scenarios.

Not to get ahead per-say, or to impress. Just to know. There is a large section of my brain completely dedicated to a constant study of the human condition. I try to write from this section of my brain.

Well, fair well, writer’s block, I suppose I could at least thank you for forcing me into a rendezvous with blogger’s circle.

A-hoy St. Lucia,

Thomas M. Watt

McWatty9 Interview

Hello everybody, my name is Thomas M. Watt, established poet, and eloquent novelist. I am sitting alongside McWatty9 today, who was supposed to hold a press conference and answer many questions in regard to the state of Wattie nation. Unfortunately, ‘The Watties’ appear very weak at this point, and issued no questions themselves. Therefore, I have chosen to interview the infamous McWatty9 myself. Let us begin.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I would first like to thank you for joining me today, and would like to congratulate you on bringing multiple bloggers to laugh quite hysterically at some of your recent posts.

McWatty9 – Yeah well I don’t have shit to do tonight so it’s really not that big of a deal. But the bloggers who laughed hard weren’t just normal bloggers Tommy boy, they were actually hot girls.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh, well… that’s good to know. So McWatty9, where do you get the ideas for your skits? I mean, some of them are very creative.

McWatty9 – Well Tommy, I’ll tell you. Often times when I’m breathing, I like to think. Sometimes when I think, I get these… ideas. And then I write them down.

Thomas M. Watt – Haha. No doubt this is a taste of your sarcasm?

McWatty9 – No. Is there a different way or something?

Thomas M. Watt – Well, I don’t know, you just state things so plainly. Moving on, there was a blog you posted earlier this week pertaining to paintball guns and go carts. By the name of several of your tags, you seemed to be ashamed of the posting. Why?

McWatty9 – Well, you see Tommy boy, a lot of times when you outline dumbass shit for people to do, several dipshits actually go out and try it.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yeah, it’s true.

Thomas M. Watt – Interesting, to say the least. Holding your press conference last night, did you ever think you might be better off hiding your level of intoxication, rather than making it so apparent to the public?

McWatty9 – No Tommy.

Thomas M. Watt – Why not?

McWatty9 – Because I was fucked up. In fact, often times when I drink, I do many things that at the time seem like a good idea, and then wake up and realize they weren’t such a good idea.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh? Care to elaborate?

McWatty9 – Sure. Often times, I enjoy approaching woman and doing such things as hitting on them, flirting with them, and then thinking up various techniques to take them to the sack.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yes. You see, this strange feeling comes over me, and it launches me into predatorily mode. I look around the room for strictly the most good looking of the bunch, then I approach them, and then I talk to them, and then I buy them a drink.

Thomas M. Watt – And how does this ‘technique’ work out for you?

McWatty9 – It really depends, you know.

Thomas M. Watt – Depends on what?

McWatty9 – How long I am willing to pretend like I’m still interested. The funniest thing happens, where the skanks I court begin to disgust me, because I realize that, at times, I’m not actually talking to a person, but a walking manual for what someone should act like in a social setting.

Thomas M. Watt – Hmm. Do go on.

McWatty9 – Well, there seems to be this personality type that ninety percent or more of the population strives to pretend to be. Upon realizing I’ve met another clone, even in my fucked-up-ness, I realize I still have no interest in dating a picture cut out from a magazine.

Thomas M. Watt – Really?

McWatty9 – Yes. Usually, my courting lasts up until I begin to make sarcastic remarks in response to the skank’s preference to appear as something more than she is. That seems to be the end for me, as I can only kiss an ass so many times, before my lips can no longer move, and my ears begin to burn with every word I hear.

Thomas M. Watt – Don’t you think such a view is somewhat sexist?

McWatty9 – Not really. Skankism is a disease Tom, not a gender type. Are you sexist?

Thomas M. Watt – I write poetry.

McWatty9 – Oh, right. You’re like that weirdo in the corner waiting by the ladies room.

Thomas M. Watt – What? No. That’s a terrible accusation.

McWatty9 – It’s not an accusation Tommy boy, it’s an assumption. Only creeps write poems.

Thomas M. Watt – You are beginning to offend me, McWatty9.

McWatty9 – Oh, well… Sorry.

Thomas M. Watt – It’s alright, I understand you enjoy making people laugh.

McWatty9 – Yes, and you enjoy creeping on woman because you are a pervert. We each have our own ways.

Thomas M. Watt – I’m beginning to dislike you the more I get to know you.

McWatty9 – And I’m beginning to think you’re a bit of a pussy.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I’m not going to empower you by responding to that. This interview is over.

McWatty9 – Tommy boy, I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean that seriously.

Thomas M. Watt – Ha, well, I can never quite tell with you McWatty9. Thanks for coming today.

(Handshake)

McWatty9 – And thanks for making a joke about ejaculation to finish it you perverted creep.

El Watto News Alert – Aug 13

El Watto News is reporting McWatty9 will be taking to the podium later tonight to answer further questions and address the Wattie nation in regards to recent world polls and his plans for leading this blog and building it and how he became so great and you can to. Please feel free to submit any questions to McWatty9 in the comment section down below.

Mucho mucho gracias, mamageuvo, yo esta la mierda, hasta luego, cunjo.

Press Briefing – Aug 13, 2013

(McWatty9 walks out from the curtain, stumbles, then catches himself on the podium. Stands up straight, then addresses Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Folks, I know I promised you several things. One of which was more views, another of which was… what was it… uhh.. oh yes, of course. The second thing I promised you, I think it was at least, it was to have a second press conference before Matt Mullenweg’s surf day would end. I know I’ve kept you waiting, but the reason is that… well folks, I have been drinking.

(cameras flash, reporters scribble)

McWatty9 – That’s right folks, I have indeed been drinking. And I am trying so damn hard not to start rhyming, because I think that when alcohol hits my brain, every damn word goes together. Furthermore, I’m one hundred percent sure, that if I wanted to, I could list off ten pages of poetry right now. I really don’t want to, ladies and gentlemen, I really don’t want to.

Anyways, beyond the drinking, we have some topics to discuss. Namely, the polls. Today was alright. A smidge above yesterday, but we are heading in the right direction. We have many new followers, and more importantly, some more hot girls are following.

(The reporters frantically jot down drawings of the said hot girls)

McWatty9 – Also of importance, one particular girl named Michele Lea, mentioned that a posting of this administration caused her to laugh so hard she snorted. Though I can not see her face, I can comfortably say she has very nice legs. I am proud of this complement. Extra proud.

Now then, back to the world polls. As I stated earlier, we received new interest from Australia, and Switzerland. Now, I don’t know much about the latter, but the former, I have indeed visited. Do you want to know what life is like in Australia? Try to imagine going to a place where everybody could just as easily spend sunday in church or in prison. And then the following week, switch with their mates. So, to state more bluntly, I fucking love Australians, I fucking really do, I really like Australia, I wish I lived there too.

(Reporters look to one another, ask themselves if McWatty9 really just broke out in rhyme. Camera answer with a certain assertiveness that only comes from years of being the head nod guy)

McWatty9 – Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I got a bit off stray. I hear a rhyme now but I am going to ignore it for the present moment. Now then, the United Kingdom also came for some support, I would like to thank King Everything Iz Great, especially, for I read his quote in the ‘McWatt News Alert’ and was happy that he remained supportive of me.

Okay. The rhymes keep pounding. I’m sorry. I have other things to say, but they seem pretty blurry now. Man, I think I’m making a fool of myself. Am I?

(Reporters all write extra quickly, with brows turned down)

McWatty9 – Dammit! What are you guys writing about me? Say it to my face!

(Reporters write even faster)

Mcwatty9 – Alright, okay, you do indeed have a right to write about whatever you would like to say. Though, I must insist, I despise the fact that people remember how you acted that time you held a news conference while intoxicated. Would it have been better for me to approach you on more sober conditions? Absolutely. Should you enjoy the fact that I am amusing when I am drunk? Yes. Should you be a dick and tell all my friend the shit I said when I was drunk? No. That’s what seperates terrible people from decent human beings.

(Half the reporters continue to scribble, the other half drop their pens)

McWatty9 – Yeah. That’s great Bill. Remember that interview you requested? Never gonna happen. So, on behalf of my drunkenness, I’m going to go back behind that curtain, pass out for a really long time, then wake up and return to answer your questions. The reason I’m not going to take any questions now, is because I am really drunk, and would answer absolutely everything in thoughtless honesty. So, to sum it all up, if you have any question for me and the state of McWatty9, please write it down below in the comment box. If you are a hot girl, thank you for following, and continue to bring more hot girls. If you are from Australia, G’day mate, and fuck fosters cause it is a terrible representive of just how incredible Austrailian beer actually is. Thank you, and good night.

(Lots of bumbling commotion, pictures flashing, viewers thinking about posing a question in the comment box down below, viewers starting to think too hard about their question, viewers deciding not to answer their question, viewers re-deciding to comment a question, viewers submitting question.)

Press Briefing – Aug. 1, 2013

(McWatty9 is standing at the podium, addressing the nation about the day’s early outlook for the world polls. Reporters are ready with notepads, red lights flicker on at the cameras, and the Watties all tune in to hear their blogger speak.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this post briefing on behalf of the McWatt news alert issued earlier this morning. As many of you know, yesterday was a dismal day at the world polls. We struggled for visitors, comments were bleak, and two hours into Matt Mullenweg’s fresh new surf day, we still sat dead at zero views.

I know many were worried about the fate of this blog, and still remain petrified that they have chosen a leader not worthy of their following. Let me assure you, we are turning things around, working around the clock in my mind to think up new posts that will grab your attention and keep you here.

Now, there have been many recent developments as of late, and more specifically, the addition of several hot girls to my following. Hot girls, you see, are not just your average followers. When hot girls decide to read what you write and like it, it is a good indication that you are on the right track.

For, as several of our scientists concluded, hot girls are known as what we call in the blogging industry, ‘Actual Humans’. Do not be misled by the simplicity of the term, actual humans account for roughly two point five lives to that of a blogger.

What does this mean? This means that there shall be more to come. Never in the history of the world have hot girls gone to a place without attracting others. In fact, it has come to my attention that the only opinions that ever matter to me, are in fact the opinions of hot girls.

Furthermore, we have already received visits from such nations as Australia and Switzerland, just to name a few. I know many are still wondering if that one guy from India who mis-clicked his way here has yet to return, and I regret to inform you that he still hasn’t.

And so, on behalf of Thomas M. Watt, I am pleased to inform you that tides are shifting, and we are once again heading in the right direction. I would like to personally thank all of the hot girls who have recently visited my site, for in viewing your profile pictures I am overwhelmed with great appreciation.

That is all for now, I hope I have gained some of your likes back, but if not, I will still continue to labor intensely and bring this great blog back to what it once was. That is all for now, thank you.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, then ignores the barrage of questions as he promptly disappears behind a curtain around the back. Cameras continue to flash even a short while after.)

The Polls #2

Scene: McWatty9 at the podium, standing before many reporters, all with cameramen beside. I am wearing a fine, expensive suit, standing properly, and addressing the nation.

McWatty9 – ‘This press conference has been called, as I’m sure many of you have already heard, to discuss the recent atrophy in my viewership. Now, I can’t emphasize enough, to all of you, that the amount of followers has only gone up in the recent days, and more specifically, my dabbling in the field of poetry has brought new readers in. I know my handful of loyal followers prefer my idiocy, as do I, but sometimes you gotta venture.

Now then, in days previous, we received views from Canada, Spain, United Kingdom, and that one guy from India who thought I was a hamburger. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you, we have received visits from none of these countries today.

(Chatter breaks out, pens scribbles, audience in the far back gasps and whispers frivolously)

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, I’m sorry to say this is all true. All my visitors today have been strictly American. Not even Princess Fairy Zooboo cared to look. Upsetting? Yes. Devastating? Yes. The end of me? I’m not sure.

It is true this blog started about a week ago, and I still have no idea how anything on this website work. But I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, that I have every intention of working out the kinks, and bringing you all solid material once more. That is all.

(Loud shuffling, the reporters all jump from their seats, waving pens and papers at me, a gun shot fired – suicide. I ignore everyone, walk away calm and astutely, like a fantastic leader in a crisis situation)

End of Press Conference.

Famous Quotes

Here is a list of great quotes I would say if I was famous and did an interview this morning. Just imagine me sitting at the podium and all the reporters raising there hands eagerly for the next question.

McWatty9, aren’t you concerned about dying?

me – Ah, so what. Life Goes on.

(Reporters all start speaking really softly and quickly and flap their hands at me)

Me – Yes, reporter with the big nose.

Big nose – Many of your followers are concerned some of your material suggests you’ve already gone off the deep end. Care to Comment?

Me – Yes.

(More frantic squabbling among the reporters)

Me – (pointing)  Man with donut crumbs on his shirt, go ahead.

Donut crumbs – Uh, yeah, is it true you had sex with that woman?

Me – Was she good looking?

Donut Crumbs – Not really.

Me – Theres a time and place to answer that question, but it is neither here nor now… Meet me at the urinal after the press conference though and all the guys can have a good laugh about it.

(All the male reporters fail to stifle their chuckles, while all the women stand up in outrage and angrily wave their mics at me)

me – Yes, you, the woman wearing the hemp beanie and no make up.

woman with the beanie – Is it true you are a sexist pig?

me – No I’m actually a human.

(frivolous commotion)

me – Yes, you the hot lady.

hot lady – Umm. I’m not a reporter and I don’t have a question.

Me – I know but I’m obviously a celebrity and I was just making my pick for who I was going to have sex with tonight.

(pictures flash, pens scribble, I wink)

Me – Yes, Perez Hilton, go ahead.

Perez Hilton – I recently talked to some of my celebrity leech friends, and they told me that you aren’t actually a real celebrity, because you don’t buy drinks for any of them and don’t even have a real entourage.

me – Well you’re not a real reporter so get the fuck out of the journalism industry and try to make a living without destroying the people who actually have talent and stop making a mockery of a once respectable profession.

Perez Hilton (shaking) – Ohhh you don’t wanna mess with me, I can make or break you! I’ll have you made into a such a fool and then sue your ass for harassment!

Me – (jumping off the podium, picking Perez Hilton up, breaking him in half over my knee, tossing both the pieces aside, urinating on both his upper and lower extremities as pictures flash like lightning)

Me – Well that’s it folks. Where’s that hot lady?