Press Briefing – Sept. 24th

(Reporters are all sleeping, Snobert and Bill are chuckling together, and Aaron enters wearing a loin cloth with a mullet and a jackhammer. McWatty9 enters from behind red curtain wearing nothing but swim trunks. He stands before the podium)

McWatty9 – Hello Wattie nation, greetings to you all. Let me start out with a sincere apology for my recent lack-of-post, and lack of quality posts.

I sincerely apologize.

There, now that that’s out of the way, let me inform you as to why I have been absent – Way of the World. It is the first book in my trilogy, and I have to have it prepared for a big-time writers conference this weekend. I’ve had business cards made, and I’m presently working around the clock to get my website looking spic-and-spam. I’ve been doing two paintings a day, all of which I PROMISE you are better than that garbage I posted earlier today. I need the oils to dry before I can scan them, however. So, after this weekend, I fully intend on tearing-shit-up on this blog once again, and may even be linking this blog with my website. Any questions?

Bill – Yeah, uhh, that painting you posted today?

McWatty9 – Yes, Michael enters Gnashing. What about it?

Bill – Yeah I just wanted you to know we all thought it was crap.

McWatty9 – (Head down) Thanks…

(Bill and Snobert high five)

Snobert – Hey McWatty9!

McWatty9 – Yeah?

Snobert – Suck-it!

McWatty – Great. Anyone else?

(Aaron, wearing a loincloth and a mullet, with a jackhammer clasped in his hands, stands up)

McWatty9 – Yeah, Aaron, what’dya got for me?

(Aaron starts jackhammering)

McWatty9 – Aaron!

Aaron – What?

McWatty9 – (Scratching head until Aaron finally turns jackhammer off) You mad or something?

Aaron – It’s ok I’m used to be cheated on.

McWatty9 – What, because I’ve been painting rather than blogging?

Aaron – Dude I’m joking I wouldn’t get mad about that, what am I a fourteen year old girl?

McWatty9 – Oh okay, gotcha.

Aaron – What, did I just go through an emotionally traumatic event?

McWatty9 – …not that I’m aware of.

Aaron – Did my dog just die?

McWatty9 – No, I get it.

Aaron – If Earth and Venus were touching and they were covered in a forest that’s how big and hairy my balls are now stop worrying about my feelings GFYS!

McWatty9 – Well-

Aaron – Because they’re so massive all I have feelings for is when I’m going to eat the next steak, do work, and crush pussy GFYS!

McWatty9 – (pressing hands out) Alright, okay. Settle down. I-

Aaron – Now excuse me while I go blowdry my large sweaty balls while I listen to heavy metal. It shouldn’t take but a few hours.

(Aaron leaves, loud blow dryer can be heard immediately after door to press room closes)

McWatty9 – Alright, well… that about wraps it up. Sorry if I’ve disappointed any of you, I hope to have some better news for you all next time.

(McWatty9 exits stage, reporters all boo, Snobert and Bill throw tomatoes and a yellow pepper at him)

Press Briefing – Sept. 19th

(Reporters all checking their watches. McWatty9 has been very much delayed. The news is the once relentless leader is calling it a career. His posts have ceased to be as frequent as usual, and are currently bordering on occasional, at best. Bill and Snobert are snickering together, sharing nibbles of the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Aaron is wearing a nice suit again, with the same pair of white underwear banded tightly over his head. McWatty9 exits from behind the red curtain, wearing a plain orange tee-shirt, denim jeans, and boater shoes. He stands before the podium.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen of Wattie Nation, I’m pleased to inform you this kingdom has not yet ceased to expand. We are growing in popularity each and everyday, racking up new followers by the post. I’ve been posting a lot of poetry as of late, and it is beginning to garner me critical acclaim. Not only that, but I’m beginning to get contacted by outside publications in order to post for them, a feat I am very much proud of. I have also formed a friendship with Ayse Juaneda, the greatest artist in the world, and I’m super stoked about that. Sharplittlepencil has apparently left us, as I haven’t heard from our strongest supporter in some time now. And I spoke to president Everything Iz Great just a few minutes ago, who was pleased to inform me that his servants are super duper happy for me. Now then, the floor is open for questioning.

Bill – (Shooting out from his chair) McWatty9, remember the time I warned you saying you wouldn’t be able to post ten times a day? Remember remember? Well you said you would, and now you’re not!

McWatty9 –  (Lowering head) Yes, yes. Bill, I’m reluctant to say you are right. I’ve been very busy editing my book and dealing with some personal issues, but still, this is no excuse for not providing my followers with an adequate number of post.

Bill – Suck-it, McWatty9!! (BIll sits down, shares a loud high five with Snobert)

McWatty9 – (Sighing) Alright, anything else?

Aaron – (Flipping underwear band up and out the way of his eyes, doesn’t bother to stand in order to ask question) McWatty9, how would you like to go to a bonfire tomorrow night?

McWatty9 – (Fist pumps) Yeah, that sounds great! I would love that!

Aaron – Great! Just grab a date and meet me there.

McWatty9 – (Pressing buttons in cellphone) Alright! Sweet! I’m stoked, just hold on one second… and… alright… wait for it… sweet! This awesome chick I know said she’d be down!

Aaron – Yeah?

McWatty9 – Yeah man! Thanks for inviting me. Who’s your date?

Aaron – Oh I don’t have one. But see if you can grab another one.

McWatty9 – …Are you kidding?

Aaron – No. (Munches on giant cheeseburger, speaks while chewing) Go on though. (More chewing) See how many people you can get. I want this to be a big deal.

McWatty9 – (Frowning slightly) Alright. Well, thanks everyone for coming. We’ll be in touch… I guess. (Begins to walk away from podium)

Snobert – Hey Mcwatty9!

McWatty9 – (Turning glumly) Yeah?

Snobert – SUCK IT!

McWatty9 – (Nods weakly, drags his feet, disappears behind red curtain)

Press Briefing – Sept. 2nd, 2013

(The reporters are all sipping on capri-suns and talking about how good the fruit punch flavor is. Several of them are eating lunchables, happily digesting bologna on crackers. The mood is light and hearty, until Bill whips out a pouch of gushers. Many of the other reporters get upset that he only shares with Snobert, who sits at his side. A new reporter enters the room, named Aaron, and catches the eye of most everyone else, as for some unknown reason Aaron is wearing whitey-tighties over his head. He has a nice suit on underneath, however. McWatty9 enters from behind the red curtain, stands behind the podium in order to address Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, people of the wordpress, I am happy  to inform you that my nation is expanding. We’ve taken in friends from countries all over the world, and have received visits from many countries I have never even heard of. I’m very excited about all this, but to say I’m not somewhat nervous would be a lie. As it stands, we’ve taken in one-hundred and twenty two followers. We have over a thousand views, and so many likes I feel super duper cool. I don’t have too much to say, other than I’m saddened by the recent drop in support from Sharplittlepencil, and very distraught by several former followers who have left us. For Sharplittlepencil, I’m setting up signs around the neighborhood that say, ‘Have you seen this blogger?’ And I am posting a picture of a woman with a pencil tucked over her ear. As for the followers who have left us, I have been flying around the world, finding out where they live, and throwing bricks into their windows at night. It is a very scary thing to do, and sends messages like, ‘Watch out for that brick that just flew through your window.’ Now then, the forum is open for questions.

Bill – (raises hand, finishes chewing up his delicious gushers, swallows down five at once, poses question) McWatty9, many of your original supporters are somewhat confused by the recent change in style. You’ve written more than a few post about God, which some of us don’t really want to hear, and you’ve become much more of a poet than a humorist. What is the reasoning for your recent change in style?

(McWatty9 nods, points finger confidently) Excellent question Bill. I’ve found that I enjoy putting poetry together, for the rhymes come quite easy for me. As far as God goes, I pretty much rely on Him for everything, and so I’m not about to deny that just to appease a few folk. Only a short while ago, I posted a short script about me hanging out with the Kardashian family. Shortly afterward, I published a post about me being on the bachelor. I don’t really know what happened, but the bachelor post bombed, and I just felt very sick about the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if my humor is simply to childish and idiotic for others beside myself to enjoy. So in short, suck-it Bill.

Snober – (shouting back instantly) Many of your new supporters are not familiar with just how arrogant and profane you can be. Does it bother you too know that as your following grows you can no longer get away with such statements as ‘Suck-it’? It is a rude, classless thing to say, and I for one am always disgusted to hear you say such crude things. I liked the post about the horses, why not just stick with things of this nature?

(McWatty9 squints his eyes) Snobert, I think I’m speaking for everyone else here when I say, from the bottom of my heart, suck-it.

(Snobert appears outstandingly offended, then becomes really really sad, and then embraces Bill with a back-patting hug)

McWatty9 – Anyone else?

(Aaron, the new reporter in the back, with the fine-looking suit and whitey-tighties over his head, raises his hand)

McWatty9 – Yes, Aaron?

Aaron – Recently you’ve begun to post your quest for ’30 days of listening’. Yesterday, on day three, you neglected to continue this thread. Are you already finished listening? Don’t you realized the key to a good blog is all about consistency?

McWatty9 – Yes Aaron, thanks for asking. Yesterday, I did in fact fail to publish a post in continuance of my thirty days of listening. I didn’t have any in-depth conversations with anyone new, and I was simply too tired to write one up. I did expect to post two today, and label them ‘Day 3’ and ‘Day 4’ but now you’ve gone and ruined that. I shall do it anyways, I suppose.

Aaron – And another thing – in your recent air-strikes against enemy blogs, you’ve failed to be as aggressive as you should. You waste your bombs, you fly like shit, and you’re simply not very good.

McWatty9 – (Appearing greatly distressed) You know what Aaron, I don’t think anybody reading this will actually understand what any of that means. You are always so negative and so love to tell me what I do wrong. For that, I say unto you, suck-it Aaron.

(Aaron drops head, looks very sad)

McWatty9 – In summary, I am new to having an actual readership, and will do my best to bring my nation good content, while at the same time remaining true to myself and whatever ideas come to me. I am actively looking for more format, and specifically looking to give you all something to look forward to when you read my post. Consistency, I suppose. I am hoping to start up a short-story Sunday, and plan to form a routine something like poems in the morning, actual writing mid-day, and humor at night. These ideas are in the works, and I promise you the neurons in my brain are working overtime to create such a format on this blog. Thank you all for being part of Wattie nation, Aaron can suck-it, and I hope to bring you more quality content in the days and hours to come. Thank you for supporting this ever growing nation. Peace, I’m out.

(McWatty9 walks back behind red curtain, reporters all nod their heads and return to eating, several start a food fight, Aaron gets hit in the eye by a bite-size brownie and begins to cry)

Press Briefing – Aug. 20th, 2013

(Reporters speaking excitedly to one another. They all have the figures out in front of them – McWatty9 is back on top. He’s crushing the World Polls like none of them could have ever predicted. Snobert and Bill exchange a put down and an share smug laugh. McWatty9 walks out from behind the curtain. He is lavishly dressed, handsome as ever and looking mighty dapper in a fine suit. His expression is cocksure, to say the least. He stands behind the podium, and address the Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – My fellow Watties! (Pointing to several reporters in the audience, a short, awkward silence ensues) We did it! I did it! You see those polls? That’s right! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to inform you that yesterday was the greatest day yet in this administration’s history. We had a jaw-dropping seventy-one views, and a staggering thirty-four visitors! Both of those numbers, ladies and gentlemen and Snobert, rank second all time. Ye-aaah!

(McWatty9 punches his arm upwards in triumph and gazes to the ceiling above, but the reporters only cross their legs and scribble on their notepads.)

McWatty9 – We got views from Singapore, France, Croatia, Turkey, Japan, United Kingdom, and the U S of A. We got some more Watties, the following has grown to seventy. We got adamant support from sharplittlepencil, who has single handedly lobbied for us day and night. We got more hot girls comin’ in like crazy, we got former hot girls still checkin’ on ma blog, we got a hot tub date with a hot girl sometime this week! YEEEEEAAHHHH!!!

(Reporters shake their heads, cross their legs in the feminine style, place their fingers against their temples in a very intellectual fashion.)

McWatty9 – We got two pictures posted, we got tons of likes, we got new comments, a new lay out. Things are going great for this administration ladies and gentlemen!

Bill – (Standing up and yelling) McWatty9 aren’t you concerned that the number of posts you’re putting up per day is reckless to say the least, and at this rate your quality work can’t possibly last?

McWatty9 – Suck-it Bill!

Bill – But-

McWatty9 – I said suck-it! Sit down.

(Bill sits back down, disgruntled. Snobert comforts him with a shoulder rub.)

McWatty9 – So ladies and gentlemen, in summary – tons of views, new followers, hot girls, that one guy from India hasn’t been back, and King Everything Iz Great and I are off to grab a crumpet and discuss some of his administrations policies for the United Kingdom. Namely, his philosophy on hugging every person you meet, and how to enforce that into a rule for all the people. So thank you, good luck, and suck-it Bill.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, reporters gravely concerned about so much enthusiasm from a leader, distressed by his lack of worry, overwhelmed by the fact that he just told Bill to suck-it.)

Press Briefing – August 18, 2013

(Reporters murmuring to one another about the current state of McWatty9, wondering what is to come. The tone is worry, the feel is scared, and the state of the Watties is, in every way, uneasy. McWatty9 walks through the red curtain, and the moment he does, silence ensues. He approached with his head down and lips pinned together, with hands clasped somewhere behind his lower back. He address the Wattie nation from behind the big black microphone and the cherry wood podium)

McWatty9 – Hello my fellow Watties. As you may well know, the past two days have been dismal, to say the least. Yesterday, I failed to put forward a single post. Today, I have put together two posts, both of which I believe are exceptionally mediocre. I am sad to stay that the state of this once decent nation has been dipping at the World Polls steadily over the last couple of days.

(The reporters all whisper to one another quickly, before stopping as soon as McWatty9 continues)

McWatty9 – However, it should not go unnoticed that we have also made some significant strides over the course of the last week. We have developed a small following in the great nation of Austrailia, who support our notion to end Foster’s brewery. We have received daily visits from the United Kingdom, and I had the pleasure of speaking with King Everything Iz Great this morning, who informed me that he and his kingdom will be there to support me no matter what, and are still thinking of me daily in there morning hand-holding embracement.

We received a visit from Sweden, and, more importantly than anything on the world wide web, I had the pleasure of meeting an unbelievably attractive native of Denmark in real life. She sat beside me on the plane flight, was stunning, absolutely beautiful, and had quite possibly the sexiest accent I have ever heard.

(The reporters cheer mildly)

McWatty9 – Also of note, as many of you have been wondering, I am ridiculously excited to say, on August the 19th, the man from India mis-clicked on my blog once more, and we did indeed receive his view.

(The reporters go wild, all breaking out in a unanimous chant of, ‘India! India! India!’ Several beers snap open, some are drenching one another with suds, all are either high-fiving or chest bumping. McWatty9 outstretches both arms to finally calm the festive audience.)

Now then, I would like to get back to the matter of work, but have decided that it is only fair for me to take some questions.

(Many reporters raise their hands, eagerly waving for McWatty9 to call on them.)

McWatty9 – (pointing) Yes, Bill.

Bill – (Standing up) McWatty9, what do you think led to the recent struggles at the world polls?

McWatty9 – Well Bill, I’m glad you asked that. Earlier this week, I published a post entitled ‘Alien Abduction’. It was a terrible post, quite possibly my worst all time, and did little to amuse even the laughiest of viewers.

(Reporters raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Allison.

Allison – (standing up) McWatty9, you’ve published very little humor this week. Care to comment on the recent change in standing?

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, thank you Allison, fair question. Recently, it has come to my attention that much of my humor borders on idiocy. Seeing as how I created this blog in order to get my trilogy published, of which more aptly belongs to the genre of spiritual fantasy, I have taken it upon myself to publish more sophisticated works, in order to gain the attention and praise from the snobs that be in the world of serious writing.

Snobert – (standing up, pushing his glasses closer to his nose) Are you aware there is no current genre with any such title?

McWatty9 – (Dismissively) Yeah whatever Snobert just sit the fuck back down.

(Reporters grow loud, raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Wilma.

Wilma – (Speaking quickly) How has the change of direction gone for you?

McWatty9 – (sighing, playing with the coat tails of his suit coat) Well Wilma, not so good. I received some support from sharplittlepencil, who liked my romantic style postings, and beforehand admitted to spitting on her keyboard from one of my funnier posts.

Bob – (standing and shouting on his own accord) But isn’t it true your serious posts have mainly gone to shit?

McWatty9 – (groaning) Yes Bob, so far they have. But I am proud of them, a couple of others have like them, and your pretty much a jerk so shut up.

(Bob sits back down sadly, more reporters scuffle to raise their hands)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Alejandro.

Alejandro – (Speaking with an Alejandro-esque accent) Monsieur, is it true you have a very large dookie sitting in your toilet bowl, right now?

McWatty9 – (Scratching back of neck) Alejandro, I cannot say I’m glad you asked that, but I guess I can only expect questions like that when I leave the forum wide open for questioning. This morning, around nine A.M. Matt Mulleweg time, I did take a dump, and one very large log in particular came out. It was curved at both ends, and refused to go down the drain upon flushing. Clogging could not help it, for it was never stuck, it just refused to go down. It remains there at this hour, and is an issue me and my staff will be working to fix late into the night, until we get that sucker to go down for good. I debated with myself whether to post this startling information, but at the time I did not, and regret the fact you’ve forced me to reveal such a disgusting, yet impressive, feature of my life. That will be all for the time being.

(McWatty9 steps down from the podium even as reporters continue to shout out random irrelevant questions, mostly pertaining to the size of the log in question. Pictures are taken, funny names for headlines are scribbled, and McWatty9 disappears behind the red curtain in the back of the stage.)

Press Briefing – Aug 13, 2013

(McWatty9 walks out from the curtain, stumbles, then catches himself on the podium. Stands up straight, then addresses Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Folks, I know I promised you several things. One of which was more views, another of which was… what was it… uhh.. oh yes, of course. The second thing I promised you, I think it was at least, it was to have a second press conference before Matt Mullenweg’s surf day would end. I know I’ve kept you waiting, but the reason is that… well folks, I have been drinking.

(cameras flash, reporters scribble)

McWatty9 – That’s right folks, I have indeed been drinking. And I am trying so damn hard not to start rhyming, because I think that when alcohol hits my brain, every damn word goes together. Furthermore, I’m one hundred percent sure, that if I wanted to, I could list off ten pages of poetry right now. I really don’t want to, ladies and gentlemen, I really don’t want to.

Anyways, beyond the drinking, we have some topics to discuss. Namely, the polls. Today was alright. A smidge above yesterday, but we are heading in the right direction. We have many new followers, and more importantly, some more hot girls are following.

(The reporters frantically jot down drawings of the said hot girls)

McWatty9 – Also of importance, one particular girl named Michele Lea, mentioned that a posting of this administration caused her to laugh so hard she snorted. Though I can not see her face, I can comfortably say she has very nice legs. I am proud of this complement. Extra proud.

Now then, back to the world polls. As I stated earlier, we received new interest from Australia, and Switzerland. Now, I don’t know much about the latter, but the former, I have indeed visited. Do you want to know what life is like in Australia? Try to imagine going to a place where everybody could just as easily spend sunday in church or in prison. And then the following week, switch with their mates. So, to state more bluntly, I fucking love Australians, I fucking really do, I really like Australia, I wish I lived there too.

(Reporters look to one another, ask themselves if McWatty9 really just broke out in rhyme. Camera answer with a certain assertiveness that only comes from years of being the head nod guy)

McWatty9 – Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I got a bit off stray. I hear a rhyme now but I am going to ignore it for the present moment. Now then, the United Kingdom also came for some support, I would like to thank King Everything Iz Great, especially, for I read his quote in the ‘McWatt News Alert’ and was happy that he remained supportive of me.

Okay. The rhymes keep pounding. I’m sorry. I have other things to say, but they seem pretty blurry now. Man, I think I’m making a fool of myself. Am I?

(Reporters all write extra quickly, with brows turned down)

McWatty9 – Dammit! What are you guys writing about me? Say it to my face!

(Reporters write even faster)

Mcwatty9 – Alright, okay, you do indeed have a right to write about whatever you would like to say. Though, I must insist, I despise the fact that people remember how you acted that time you held a news conference while intoxicated. Would it have been better for me to approach you on more sober conditions? Absolutely. Should you enjoy the fact that I am amusing when I am drunk? Yes. Should you be a dick and tell all my friend the shit I said when I was drunk? No. That’s what seperates terrible people from decent human beings.

(Half the reporters continue to scribble, the other half drop their pens)

McWatty9 – Yeah. That’s great Bill. Remember that interview you requested? Never gonna happen. So, on behalf of my drunkenness, I’m going to go back behind that curtain, pass out for a really long time, then wake up and return to answer your questions. The reason I’m not going to take any questions now, is because I am really drunk, and would answer absolutely everything in thoughtless honesty. So, to sum it all up, if you have any question for me and the state of McWatty9, please write it down below in the comment box. If you are a hot girl, thank you for following, and continue to bring more hot girls. If you are from Australia, G’day mate, and fuck fosters cause it is a terrible representive of just how incredible Austrailian beer actually is. Thank you, and good night.

(Lots of bumbling commotion, pictures flashing, viewers thinking about posing a question in the comment box down below, viewers starting to think too hard about their question, viewers deciding not to answer their question, viewers re-deciding to comment a question, viewers submitting question.)

Press Briefing – Aug. 1, 2013

(McWatty9 is standing at the podium, addressing the nation about the day’s early outlook for the world polls. Reporters are ready with notepads, red lights flicker on at the cameras, and the Watties all tune in to hear their blogger speak.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this post briefing on behalf of the McWatt news alert issued earlier this morning. As many of you know, yesterday was a dismal day at the world polls. We struggled for visitors, comments were bleak, and two hours into Matt Mullenweg’s fresh new surf day, we still sat dead at zero views.

I know many were worried about the fate of this blog, and still remain petrified that they have chosen a leader not worthy of their following. Let me assure you, we are turning things around, working around the clock in my mind to think up new posts that will grab your attention and keep you here.

Now, there have been many recent developments as of late, and more specifically, the addition of several hot girls to my following. Hot girls, you see, are not just your average followers. When hot girls decide to read what you write and like it, it is a good indication that you are on the right track.

For, as several of our scientists concluded, hot girls are known as what we call in the blogging industry, ‘Actual Humans’. Do not be misled by the simplicity of the term, actual humans account for roughly two point five lives to that of a blogger.

What does this mean? This means that there shall be more to come. Never in the history of the world have hot girls gone to a place without attracting others. In fact, it has come to my attention that the only opinions that ever matter to me, are in fact the opinions of hot girls.

Furthermore, we have already received visits from such nations as Australia and Switzerland, just to name a few. I know many are still wondering if that one guy from India who mis-clicked his way here has yet to return, and I regret to inform you that he still hasn’t.

And so, on behalf of Thomas M. Watt, I am pleased to inform you that tides are shifting, and we are once again heading in the right direction. I would like to personally thank all of the hot girls who have recently visited my site, for in viewing your profile pictures I am overwhelmed with great appreciation.

That is all for now, I hope I have gained some of your likes back, but if not, I will still continue to labor intensely and bring this great blog back to what it once was. That is all for now, thank you.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, then ignores the barrage of questions as he promptly disappears behind a curtain around the back. Cameras continue to flash even a short while after.)