Press Briefing – August 18, 2013

(Reporters murmuring to one another about the current state of McWatty9, wondering what is to come. The tone is worry, the feel is scared, and the state of the Watties is, in every way, uneasy. McWatty9 walks through the red curtain, and the moment he does, silence ensues. He approached with his head down and lips pinned together, with hands clasped somewhere behind his lower back. He address the Wattie nation from behind the big black microphone and the cherry wood podium)

McWatty9 – Hello my fellow Watties. As you may well know, the past two days have been dismal, to say the least. Yesterday, I failed to put forward a single post. Today, I have put together two posts, both of which I believe are exceptionally mediocre. I am sad to stay that the state of this once decent nation has been dipping at the World Polls steadily over the last couple of days.

(The reporters all whisper to one another quickly, before stopping as soon as McWatty9 continues)

McWatty9 – However, it should not go unnoticed that we have also made some significant strides over the course of the last week. We have developed a small following in the great nation of Austrailia, who support our notion to end Foster’s brewery. We have received daily visits from the United Kingdom, and I had the pleasure of speaking with King Everything Iz Great this morning, who informed me that he and his kingdom will be there to support me no matter what, and are still thinking of me daily in there morning hand-holding embracement.

We received a visit from Sweden, and, more importantly than anything on the world wide web, I had the pleasure of meeting an unbelievably attractive native of Denmark in real life. She sat beside me on the plane flight, was stunning, absolutely beautiful, and had quite possibly the sexiest accent I have ever heard.

(The reporters cheer mildly)

McWatty9 – Also of note, as many of you have been wondering, I am ridiculously excited to say, on August the 19th, the man from India mis-clicked on my blog once more, and we did indeed receive his view.

(The reporters go wild, all breaking out in a unanimous chant of, ‘India! India! India!’ Several beers snap open, some are drenching one another with suds, all are either high-fiving or chest bumping. McWatty9 outstretches both arms to finally calm the festive audience.)

Now then, I would like to get back to the matter of work, but have decided that it is only fair for me to take some questions.

(Many reporters raise their hands, eagerly waving for McWatty9 to call on them.)

McWatty9 – (pointing) Yes, Bill.

Bill – (Standing up) McWatty9, what do you think led to the recent struggles at the world polls?

McWatty9 – Well Bill, I’m glad you asked that. Earlier this week, I published a post entitled ‘Alien Abduction’. It was a terrible post, quite possibly my worst all time, and did little to amuse even the laughiest of viewers.

(Reporters raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Allison.

Allison – (standing up) McWatty9, you’ve published very little humor this week. Care to comment on the recent change in standing?

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, thank you Allison, fair question. Recently, it has come to my attention that much of my humor borders on idiocy. Seeing as how I created this blog in order to get my trilogy published, of which more aptly belongs to the genre of spiritual fantasy, I have taken it upon myself to publish more sophisticated works, in order to gain the attention and praise from the snobs that be in the world of serious writing.

Snobert – (standing up, pushing his glasses closer to his nose) Are you aware there is no current genre with any such title?

McWatty9 – (Dismissively) Yeah whatever Snobert just sit the fuck back down.

(Reporters grow loud, raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Wilma.

Wilma – (Speaking quickly) How has the change of direction gone for you?

McWatty9 – (sighing, playing with the coat tails of his suit coat) Well Wilma, not so good. I received some support from sharplittlepencil, who liked my romantic style postings, and beforehand admitted to spitting on her keyboard from one of my funnier posts.

Bob – (standing and shouting on his own accord) But isn’t it true your serious posts have mainly gone to shit?

McWatty9 – (groaning) Yes Bob, so far they have. But I am proud of them, a couple of others have like them, and your pretty much a jerk so shut up.

(Bob sits back down sadly, more reporters scuffle to raise their hands)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Alejandro.

Alejandro – (Speaking with an Alejandro-esque accent) Monsieur, is it true you have a very large dookie sitting in your toilet bowl, right now?

McWatty9 – (Scratching back of neck) Alejandro, I cannot say I’m glad you asked that, but I guess I can only expect questions like that when I leave the forum wide open for questioning. This morning, around nine A.M. Matt Mulleweg time, I did take a dump, and one very large log in particular came out. It was curved at both ends, and refused to go down the drain upon flushing. Clogging could not help it, for it was never stuck, it just refused to go down. It remains there at this hour, and is an issue me and my staff will be working to fix late into the night, until we get that sucker to go down for good. I debated with myself whether to post this startling information, but at the time I did not, and regret the fact you’ve forced me to reveal such a disgusting, yet impressive, feature of my life. That will be all for the time being.

(McWatty9 steps down from the podium even as reporters continue to shout out random irrelevant questions, mostly pertaining to the size of the log in question. Pictures are taken, funny names for headlines are scribbled, and McWatty9 disappears behind the red curtain in the back of the stage.)

El Watto News Alert – Aug 13

El Watto News is reporting McWatty9 will be taking to the podium later tonight to answer further questions and address the Wattie nation in regards to recent world polls and his plans for leading this blog and building it and how he became so great and you can to. Please feel free to submit any questions to McWatty9 in the comment section down below.

Mucho mucho gracias, mamageuvo, yo esta la mierda, hasta luego, cunjo.

Press Briefing – Aug 13, 2013

(McWatty9 walks out from the curtain, stumbles, then catches himself on the podium. Stands up straight, then addresses Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Folks, I know I promised you several things. One of which was more views, another of which was… what was it… uhh.. oh yes, of course. The second thing I promised you, I think it was at least, it was to have a second press conference before Matt Mullenweg’s surf day would end. I know I’ve kept you waiting, but the reason is that… well folks, I have been drinking.

(cameras flash, reporters scribble)

McWatty9 – That’s right folks, I have indeed been drinking. And I am trying so damn hard not to start rhyming, because I think that when alcohol hits my brain, every damn word goes together. Furthermore, I’m one hundred percent sure, that if I wanted to, I could list off ten pages of poetry right now. I really don’t want to, ladies and gentlemen, I really don’t want to.

Anyways, beyond the drinking, we have some topics to discuss. Namely, the polls. Today was alright. A smidge above yesterday, but we are heading in the right direction. We have many new followers, and more importantly, some more hot girls are following.

(The reporters frantically jot down drawings of the said hot girls)

McWatty9 – Also of importance, one particular girl named Michele Lea, mentioned that a posting of this administration caused her to laugh so hard she snorted. Though I can not see her face, I can comfortably say she has very nice legs. I am proud of this complement. Extra proud.

Now then, back to the world polls. As I stated earlier, we received new interest from Australia, and Switzerland. Now, I don’t know much about the latter, but the former, I have indeed visited. Do you want to know what life is like in Australia? Try to imagine going to a place where everybody could just as easily spend sunday in church or in prison. And then the following week, switch with their mates. So, to state more bluntly, I fucking love Australians, I fucking really do, I really like Australia, I wish I lived there too.

(Reporters look to one another, ask themselves if McWatty9 really just broke out in rhyme. Camera answer with a certain assertiveness that only comes from years of being the head nod guy)

McWatty9 – Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I got a bit off stray. I hear a rhyme now but I am going to ignore it for the present moment. Now then, the United Kingdom also came for some support, I would like to thank King Everything Iz Great, especially, for I read his quote in the ‘McWatt News Alert’ and was happy that he remained supportive of me.

Okay. The rhymes keep pounding. I’m sorry. I have other things to say, but they seem pretty blurry now. Man, I think I’m making a fool of myself. Am I?

(Reporters all write extra quickly, with brows turned down)

McWatty9 – Dammit! What are you guys writing about me? Say it to my face!

(Reporters write even faster)

Mcwatty9 – Alright, okay, you do indeed have a right to write about whatever you would like to say. Though, I must insist, I despise the fact that people remember how you acted that time you held a news conference while intoxicated. Would it have been better for me to approach you on more sober conditions? Absolutely. Should you enjoy the fact that I am amusing when I am drunk? Yes. Should you be a dick and tell all my friend the shit I said when I was drunk? No. That’s what seperates terrible people from decent human beings.

(Half the reporters continue to scribble, the other half drop their pens)

McWatty9 – Yeah. That’s great Bill. Remember that interview you requested? Never gonna happen. So, on behalf of my drunkenness, I’m going to go back behind that curtain, pass out for a really long time, then wake up and return to answer your questions. The reason I’m not going to take any questions now, is because I am really drunk, and would answer absolutely everything in thoughtless honesty. So, to sum it all up, if you have any question for me and the state of McWatty9, please write it down below in the comment box. If you are a hot girl, thank you for following, and continue to bring more hot girls. If you are from Australia, G’day mate, and fuck fosters cause it is a terrible representive of just how incredible Austrailian beer actually is. Thank you, and good night.

(Lots of bumbling commotion, pictures flashing, viewers thinking about posing a question in the comment box down below, viewers starting to think too hard about their question, viewers deciding not to answer their question, viewers re-deciding to comment a question, viewers submitting question.)

McWatt News Alert

This just in – McWatty9 has zero views at this hour. We are two hours into the new wordpress day, a timezone which is based on Matt Mullenweg’s surf schedule, and has nothing at all to do with the sun or any actual timezone.

The results are still preliminary, but after a local survey with ‘The Watties’ here is what they had to say –

“McWatty9 is going downhill. His stats are plummeting, his genre is reckless, I am getting out NOW,” – top three commenter, chose to remain anonymous.

“Ah. For God’s sake. Stop bringing me into this blog. I don’t know what a McWatt is. You made fun of me last time so please just go away.” – That one guy from India who once mis-clicked onto my site.

“Mcwatty9? Oh, you shouldn’t worry about him! He’ll be fine. He is smart and funny, Oh-hoh-ho!” – King Everything Iz Great, United Kingdom

“Well, we were considering liking him, but then we saw some of his older posts, and decided we can’t just let any buffoon into our club. I say, no.” – sophisticated poet society

Well folks, you’ve heard the verdict – McWatty9, thought earlier this week to be ‘blowing up’, is now on the down and out. What was it that killed this once reputable blogger? What was it that brought his followers to such dismay? Many believe it was his recent venture into poetry, some say it was his posted thoughts on faith, and others believe the public simply had enough of his antics. But the facts are simple – the number of Watties are plummeting, and many fear McWatty9, or, ‘The Immature Humorist’, as the Laugh Track Times recently coined him, is diminishing in the polls. We will have an update later in the day, roughly around the hour Matt Mullenweg decided the universal day should end. Until then, keep staring at this screen and waiting for then to come.

The Polls #2

Scene: McWatty9 at the podium, standing before many reporters, all with cameramen beside. I am wearing a fine, expensive suit, standing properly, and addressing the nation.

McWatty9 – ‘This press conference has been called, as I’m sure many of you have already heard, to discuss the recent atrophy in my viewership. Now, I can’t emphasize enough, to all of you, that the amount of followers has only gone up in the recent days, and more specifically, my dabbling in the field of poetry has brought new readers in. I know my handful of loyal followers prefer my idiocy, as do I, but sometimes you gotta venture.

Now then, in days previous, we received views from Canada, Spain, United Kingdom, and that one guy from India who thought I was a hamburger. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you, we have received visits from none of these countries today.

(Chatter breaks out, pens scribbles, audience in the far back gasps and whispers frivolously)

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, I’m sorry to say this is all true. All my visitors today have been strictly American. Not even Princess Fairy Zooboo cared to look. Upsetting? Yes. Devastating? Yes. The end of me? I’m not sure.

It is true this blog started about a week ago, and I still have no idea how anything on this website work. But I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, that I have every intention of working out the kinks, and bringing you all solid material once more. That is all.

(Loud shuffling, the reporters all jump from their seats, waving pens and papers at me, a gun shot fired – suicide. I ignore everyone, walk away calm and astutely, like a fantastic leader in a crisis situation)

End of Press Conference.

I am humbled by how great I am

In a recent survey conducted and published by fictionalsurveys.com/imagination, my blog was voted one of the fastest growing blogs in the history of the world. It is quite a humbling article, and by humbling, I mean it reassured me that I was better than everyone else at everything, even that spoiled little girl who is already mean to poor people.

The article featured a quote from that one guy from India who somehow found his way to my blog. I copied and pasted it down below for you.

“McWatty9? What the heck is that? Is sounds like a bad American hamburger or something.”

Also of significance, this endearing complement from King Everything Iz Great of the United Kingdom – “McWatty9 is a true gift to the world and a friend of the United Kingdom. We sometimes talk about him at the morning hand-holding embracement.”

I’m truly honored for all the recent praise I’ve received from myself, and can’t emphasize enough just how humbling being the greatest means to me. I think its safe to say, along with all the watties out there, that this blog is truly, ‘Blowing Up’.

2nd Letter to United Kingdom

Dear United Kingdom,

It has come to our attention, here at the United States of America dinner table, that you actually do have a princess. Princess Fairy Zooboo. It is a strange name. Unorthodox to say the least. Many of us here in America have been arguing over the meatball-passing on wether or not she was a real princess or a real fairy. We have come to the conclusion that the United Kingdom is a great unknown to us. We hear of this kingdom most often when new music labels come to surface, and several times have been made aware of fights breaking out in your great powerful kingdom. President Barack Obama and George W. Bush just finished up a heated debate over wether the politically correct term was ‘fairy’ or ‘trans-magic producer’. It resulted in spaghetti launches and bread-smears-to-faces.

Anyhow, the action here at table America is simmering down, and the chatter has returned to ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’ and how disgusting that show is. After dinner we are all going to sit on the couch and watch it together while we eat all the fast food five dollars can buy, which is a milk shake three burgers two small (individual) french fries and a ten gallon drum of coke.

thanks,

America’s Dinner Table

United Kingdom

I have six views from the United Kingdom. I want to thank you on behalf of the United States of America for visiting my page. On a less important note, is Lana Del Rey from the United Kingdom? She truly is terrible and a symbol of everything wrong with music today.

The United States would like to thank you, United Kingdom, for visiting McWatty9’s page. We are all thinking about you, and conversing about how great your kingdom is and your princesses are.

Mucho Gracias,

The United States of America