Boring Story Teller Guy

ImageInt.  – Dinner table. Bob, who has a horseshoe of baldness atop his head, a grey beard and glasses, is talking to McWatty9.

BOB

So the transcript came through and Barbara and I well, we just sort of read it, and then we re-read it, and then we both smiled at each other and held hands as we reassured our love for one another.

McWatty9

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOB

And then wouldn’t you know it, the dog started barking. Heh! That dog, you know that dog is always barking. I love that dog. So does Barbara. We bathe it twice a week, you know.

MCWATTY9

Wow.

BOB

Yea, we always keep that dog well fed. Feed it kibble and beans, you know. A lot of people don’t know what kibble and beans is, but that’s just because I was sitting in my lawn chair one day, thinking up names of dog food that would seem to make sense, you know, in case I ever wanted to sell dog food one day.

MCWATTY9

(Pounding head into table) Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOB

That’s what I like to do, you know. I like to sit around in my lawn chair and think about stuff. Sometimes I pull my dictionary out, then look up words no one uses and write them down. I try to find a pivotal moment in conversation to use them, you know, so I can look smarter than I actually am.

MCWATTY9

(Leaning back in his chair, tilting way too far, waving his arms, falling over, chair breaks, lying on the floor with his arms out wide) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wow, that sounds pretty smart.

BOB

Yeah, you  know, it’s something i started doing in my younger days. If you ever want to outsmart someone, especially in an argument, just throw something out there they’ve never even heard of before. I always get a good chuckle about it later, when I’m by myself. Sometimes I like to laugh while I pet my dog. I don’t know why, it’s just this thing we do together. Sometimes, when her lips curl up and her tongue wags outside of her mouth, I like to think she’s laughing right along with me.

MCWATTY9

(Picking up broken pieces of wood, bashing them against side of head) Uh-huh. Interesting.

BOB

You know, a lot people don’t know this but, I’m sort of a dog lover. Yes, yes, I know, tough old Bob, they call me. But it isn’t entirely true. Sometimes, when my dog is urinating, I like to pet it.

MCWATTY9

(Standing up, walking to cupboard, smashing face repeatedly into cupboard.) Uh-huh. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. uh-huh.

BOB

Heh. Mangy mutts. That’s what some people call them. I never could understand how someone could not like a dog. They’re so loving and kind. Really fascinating creatures. Not like cats. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I don’t really care too much for cats.

MCWATTY9

(Doing a headstand, pushing off of his head in a headstand push-up, slamming his head repeatedly into the tile floor) Uh-huh. Really? Interesting. Wow. Uh-huh.

BOB

Yeah, because cats don’t care as much to get pet, you know. Cats like to keep to themselves, nothing like dogs. Cats are nothing like dogs, you know. They’re so skinny too. Wimps, I say.

MCWATTY9

(Returning to his feet, walking over to the table, jumping on the table, making snow angels on the table) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Crazy. Fascinating. Tell me more. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

BOB

As a matter of fact, did you know that cats always land on their feet? I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s true! Did you know that?

MCWATTY9

(Standing up on table, jumping for chandelier, catches chandelier, chanderlier snaps off from chain, Mcwatty9 falls and breaks table, head is bleeding. Paramedics arrive, take McWatty9 out on a stretcher, put him in an ambulance. Bob rides alongside.)

BOB

Yeah, cats I don’t like very much. I never really knew why, but even as a kid, it was always about dogs for me.

MCWATTY9

(Dying slowly) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Keep going. Tell me more. Uh-huh. Fascinating. Uh-huh. Riveting. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

THE END

will never come for people who like to hear themselves talk.

McWatty9 Interview

Hello everybody, my name is Thomas M. Watt, established poet, and eloquent novelist. I am sitting alongside McWatty9 today, who was supposed to hold a press conference and answer many questions in regard to the state of Wattie nation. Unfortunately, ‘The Watties’ appear very weak at this point, and issued no questions themselves. Therefore, I have chosen to interview the infamous McWatty9 myself. Let us begin.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I would first like to thank you for joining me today, and would like to congratulate you on bringing multiple bloggers to laugh quite hysterically at some of your recent posts.

McWatty9 – Yeah well I don’t have shit to do tonight so it’s really not that big of a deal. But the bloggers who laughed hard weren’t just normal bloggers Tommy boy, they were actually hot girls.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh, well… that’s good to know. So McWatty9, where do you get the ideas for your skits? I mean, some of them are very creative.

McWatty9 – Well Tommy, I’ll tell you. Often times when I’m breathing, I like to think. Sometimes when I think, I get these… ideas. And then I write them down.

Thomas M. Watt – Haha. No doubt this is a taste of your sarcasm?

McWatty9 – No. Is there a different way or something?

Thomas M. Watt – Well, I don’t know, you just state things so plainly. Moving on, there was a blog you posted earlier this week pertaining to paintball guns and go carts. By the name of several of your tags, you seemed to be ashamed of the posting. Why?

McWatty9 – Well, you see Tommy boy, a lot of times when you outline dumbass shit for people to do, several dipshits actually go out and try it.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yeah, it’s true.

Thomas M. Watt – Interesting, to say the least. Holding your press conference last night, did you ever think you might be better off hiding your level of intoxication, rather than making it so apparent to the public?

McWatty9 – No Tommy.

Thomas M. Watt – Why not?

McWatty9 – Because I was fucked up. In fact, often times when I drink, I do many things that at the time seem like a good idea, and then wake up and realize they weren’t such a good idea.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh? Care to elaborate?

McWatty9 – Sure. Often times, I enjoy approaching woman and doing such things as hitting on them, flirting with them, and then thinking up various techniques to take them to the sack.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yes. You see, this strange feeling comes over me, and it launches me into predatorily mode. I look around the room for strictly the most good looking of the bunch, then I approach them, and then I talk to them, and then I buy them a drink.

Thomas M. Watt – And how does this ‘technique’ work out for you?

McWatty9 – It really depends, you know.

Thomas M. Watt – Depends on what?

McWatty9 – How long I am willing to pretend like I’m still interested. The funniest thing happens, where the skanks I court begin to disgust me, because I realize that, at times, I’m not actually talking to a person, but a walking manual for what someone should act like in a social setting.

Thomas M. Watt – Hmm. Do go on.

McWatty9 – Well, there seems to be this personality type that ninety percent or more of the population strives to pretend to be. Upon realizing I’ve met another clone, even in my fucked-up-ness, I realize I still have no interest in dating a picture cut out from a magazine.

Thomas M. Watt – Really?

McWatty9 – Yes. Usually, my courting lasts up until I begin to make sarcastic remarks in response to the skank’s preference to appear as something more than she is. That seems to be the end for me, as I can only kiss an ass so many times, before my lips can no longer move, and my ears begin to burn with every word I hear.

Thomas M. Watt – Don’t you think such a view is somewhat sexist?

McWatty9 – Not really. Skankism is a disease Tom, not a gender type. Are you sexist?

Thomas M. Watt – I write poetry.

McWatty9 – Oh, right. You’re like that weirdo in the corner waiting by the ladies room.

Thomas M. Watt – What? No. That’s a terrible accusation.

McWatty9 – It’s not an accusation Tommy boy, it’s an assumption. Only creeps write poems.

Thomas M. Watt – You are beginning to offend me, McWatty9.

McWatty9 – Oh, well… Sorry.

Thomas M. Watt – It’s alright, I understand you enjoy making people laugh.

McWatty9 – Yes, and you enjoy creeping on woman because you are a pervert. We each have our own ways.

Thomas M. Watt – I’m beginning to dislike you the more I get to know you.

McWatty9 – And I’m beginning to think you’re a bit of a pussy.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I’m not going to empower you by responding to that. This interview is over.

McWatty9 – Tommy boy, I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean that seriously.

Thomas M. Watt – Ha, well, I can never quite tell with you McWatty9. Thanks for coming today.

(Handshake)

McWatty9 – And thanks for making a joke about ejaculation to finish it you perverted creep.