Int. – Dinner table. Bob, who has a horseshoe of baldness atop his head, a grey beard and glasses, is talking to McWatty9.
BOB
So the transcript came through and Barbara and I well, we just sort of read it, and then we re-read it, and then we both smiled at each other and held hands as we reassured our love for one another.
McWatty9
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
BOB
And then wouldn’t you know it, the dog started barking. Heh! That dog, you know that dog is always barking. I love that dog. So does Barbara. We bathe it twice a week, you know.
MCWATTY9
Wow.
BOB
Yea, we always keep that dog well fed. Feed it kibble and beans, you know. A lot of people don’t know what kibble and beans is, but that’s just because I was sitting in my lawn chair one day, thinking up names of dog food that would seem to make sense, you know, in case I ever wanted to sell dog food one day.
MCWATTY9
(Pounding head into table) Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
BOB
That’s what I like to do, you know. I like to sit around in my lawn chair and think about stuff. Sometimes I pull my dictionary out, then look up words no one uses and write them down. I try to find a pivotal moment in conversation to use them, you know, so I can look smarter than I actually am.
MCWATTY9
(Leaning back in his chair, tilting way too far, waving his arms, falling over, chair breaks, lying on the floor with his arms out wide) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wow, that sounds pretty smart.
BOB
Yeah, you know, it’s something i started doing in my younger days. If you ever want to outsmart someone, especially in an argument, just throw something out there they’ve never even heard of before. I always get a good chuckle about it later, when I’m by myself. Sometimes I like to laugh while I pet my dog. I don’t know why, it’s just this thing we do together. Sometimes, when her lips curl up and her tongue wags outside of her mouth, I like to think she’s laughing right along with me.
MCWATTY9
(Picking up broken pieces of wood, bashing them against side of head) Uh-huh. Interesting.
BOB
You know, a lot people don’t know this but, I’m sort of a dog lover. Yes, yes, I know, tough old Bob, they call me. But it isn’t entirely true. Sometimes, when my dog is urinating, I like to pet it.
MCWATTY9
(Standing up, walking to cupboard, smashing face repeatedly into cupboard.) Uh-huh. Yeah. Wow. Interesting. uh-huh.
BOB
Heh. Mangy mutts. That’s what some people call them. I never could understand how someone could not like a dog. They’re so loving and kind. Really fascinating creatures. Not like cats. I’ll let you in on a little secret, I don’t really care too much for cats.
MCWATTY9
(Doing a headstand, pushing off of his head in a headstand push-up, slamming his head repeatedly into the tile floor) Uh-huh. Really? Interesting. Wow. Uh-huh.
BOB
Yeah, because cats don’t care as much to get pet, you know. Cats like to keep to themselves, nothing like dogs. Cats are nothing like dogs, you know. They’re so skinny too. Wimps, I say.
MCWATTY9
(Returning to his feet, walking over to the table, jumping on the table, making snow angels on the table) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Crazy. Fascinating. Tell me more. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
BOB
As a matter of fact, did you know that cats always land on their feet? I didn’t believe it at first, but it’s true! Did you know that?
MCWATTY9
(Standing up on table, jumping for chandelier, catches chandelier, chanderlier snaps off from chain, Mcwatty9 falls and breaks table, head is bleeding. Paramedics arrive, take McWatty9 out on a stretcher, put him in an ambulance. Bob rides alongside.)
BOB
Yeah, cats I don’t like very much. I never really knew why, but even as a kid, it was always about dogs for me.
MCWATTY9
(Dying slowly) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Keep going. Tell me more. Uh-huh. Fascinating. Uh-huh. Riveting. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
THE END
will never come for people who like to hear themselves talk.
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Thomas M. Watt 