A Cardboard Mask and Other Things

This isn’t going to be a very long post but I haven’t printed anything for days and feel compelled to write something.

Sunday I carried out my meetup group for 2 hours then filmed a short sketch that I thought was funny. It involved me wearing a Diet coke box over my head and impersonating a “mask expert” while being digitally edited into an actual news clip. I thought it was funny, but my close friend didn’t, and my girlfriend didn’t. I guess I just looked like an idiot with a box on his head.

One of the worst feelings in writing comes when you pour your heart into your story and another reader takes for granted the considerations you’ve already made prior to their analysis. I received feedback for my latest draft on Monday and it was overwhelmingly positive. There were no major structural issues and it is ready to film. I was still discouraged, however, to hear a few suggestions that I’d already tried and knew wouldn’t be effective. I am happy to make adjustments as needed but I am disappointed when my vision for the film isn’t effectively conveyed on paper. I have a deep rooted fear that my brain does not operate according to convention and consequently my characters don’t always behave as expected. I am unable to verify their motivations without the input of another so I need diligent readers in order to know it “makes sense.”

So these and a handful of other events demoralized me and I took a few days away from everything I’ve been doing. Yesterday I scheduled a new online meetup event for this Sunday and last night I took down some notes about strengthening my existing character arc. I am hoping to send out for casting, shop for props, and reserve a location next week.

It’s actually great news I’ve just been focused on the negative a lot lately. Have a great day and thank you for reading.

Running Blind

For months and months been on the run,

Had myself a bit of fun.

Tore down all my truths of old,

Replaced them with some sins so bold.

In the flesh I did reside,

The more you sin the more you die.

It eases e-motional pain,

Sin enough you’ll feel no shame.

But go on you’ll find some trouble,

And when then comes your pride will double.

So sure I was of Christ’s untruth,

I laughed at Christians on youtube.

Dumb it seemed that some believed,

One man could replace our primal needs.

Sacrifice, deny yourself, worry not, you won’t see Hell.

Hahaha, haha, hehe, the things he speaks of I won’t take heed.

For I was sure that I knew better, that heavenly things were not too clever.

Dumb it was to live this life thinking one day you’ll see the light.

What light, what proof, what evidence? Where is this God that some still seek?

Nowhere, nowhere, He goes unseen, but this God of light lets blind men see.

For you see I came to truth – that evil exists, and me it used.

Day by day I could not rest, could not stop sin, did not repent.

But when I prayed my heart did open, God returned, covenant He honored.

Showed me to the days of old, when we were close and I wasn’t so cold.

Amazing how when there’s no evil, you find your own evil has doubled.

But after mocking God is through, and your world has fallen through,

And you’re sure you have no chance, that you have tripped on your last dance,

And of good feelings there’s none left, no way this life holds hope; you’re doomed.

That’s when I think it’s time to pray, and if you listen, you’ll know why I say –

That God who lives up high above, that God who you so boldly told –

That with all your heart you don’t believe, who you once deemed a mental disease,

That same God you went against, He will still be there when you’re on the fence,

And it won’t be long before you see, that God so loves you, He’s all you need.

– Thomas M. Watt

Unsweet Thoughts

To love for some is just pretend,

to love for some is a fond friend.

To love for some means happy ends,

to love for some means heartbreaks mend.

But to others love does mean,

a short rushed feeling the length of dreams.

When your eyes open again, there you are alone in bed.

Alone again just like before, eyes wide open with one new shut door.

You toss and turn to fall asleep,

but when you do the dream’s not sweet.

It has turned into a nightmare,

thoughts of once sweet things now fright you.

To love for some means happy thoughts,

but to others means future sleeps loss.

– Thomas M. Watt

Try

Day by day by day by day,

I laze and wait then think and stay.

Time goes by until tomorrow, then comes some more with the same sorrow.

Tired of mundane depression, scared to try and face rejection…

Or regression to this same state, the ground don’t hurt it’s the fall I hate.

Up and up and up I climbed, ’till my hand slipped and then I fly’d.

Near the top, I climbed that high, but that misstep was my last try.

At first I kicked my arms and legs, reaching to grab what I once played.

And as I fell down from the sky, my eyes did struggle to not cry.

After I crashed I settled in, waiting to die, not re-begin.

I stand and think and think some more, dwell a lot on painful sores.

It hurts it hurts it hurts so bad! How can I climb when I can’t stand?

No more God, no more good doing. No more dreams, no more hope spewing. No more prayers for more good graces, no more thanksgiving, He can’t replace her. No more right track lest I go wrong again, no more rising means no descent.

I’ll just lie here until I die, thinking glumly and seeking highs. Drown my brain in lull and sleep, ease my soul with soul-less deeds.

Checkout that ass, give me that food, I’ll take a drink of scotch or booze. Some more tobacco, a cigarette, I’ll fuck that girl who I just met. Or no I’ll break her little heart, do what I can to make her depart.

Hate and hate and hate some more, destroy my body ’till it’s no more. Blind myself with thoughts of doom, end my hope till it’s no use. Joy is those who next come here, faith are those who stand real near.

How comforting it is to know, way up high, I’ll never go. Never climb that high again, never make another friend. Never fall in love with her, never mistake my own dead-end. Never one more situation, that risks the chance of escalation.

No more sadness, no more pain, just endless, constant, life-refrain. Hurt and hate and destroy some more, until with past I’ve evened the score.

But then today I looked around, and realized I’ve been here a while. And if I climb I’ll fall again, maybe ten times more than ten.

But maybe I should get up and try, before another day goes by.

Maybe pain is one example, of what you get from trying ample.

Where’s that ladder? I’ll climb that bitch, then rejoice in heaven, with those who finished.

– Thomas M. Watt

Tired.

I feel your pain your hearts demise the thoughts of lonely killing time.

I know your sights I feel your eyes I see the thing between the lines.

i know that when you sing to me and when you smile and when you think,

It all comes out as just one color a depth of blue a smidge of palor. 

I’m sorry for the pain of old the thoughts of knowing what you’ve been told.

How much pain can one heart take how much longer until what’s fake –

Is no longer is no more how many lives have burnt for sure.

Just come right here your hand to me kiss me with smile fill me with sing.

I’ll take you in swirl you around and show you how to kill a frown.

Hello my little lovely one I love you smile I love your fun.

I’m sorry I can’t express too I’m sorry I can’t say I do.

I’m sorry I am just a wall like one dumb man slow thoughts and all.

It brings me pain you never guessed to know exactly how I impress.

What kind of creatures bumps like this? What kind of man can’t enjoy bliss?

What has happened when one man takes all that’s outside and sees the cake.

What is wrong that my mind see the thoughts inside with clarity.

And why is it that what’s in front, in front my face at felt with touch, why is it I don’t know you I can’t seem to divide the two.

I have no wall built in my brain the thoughts are filed the things are lame.

Can’t quite tell you how it goes cannot explain why no one knows.

Cannot quite give you my hand because you see I don’t understand.

Cannot break through a wall of shouts cannot make sense of why some pout.

Cannot know why some do lie cannot quite see why some speak dry.

Cannot hide behind this mouth cannot quite state what others shout.

How much pain does right thought bring, how much loss do good hearts string. 

I wish I could get up go there and say the thing I said right here.

But instead the words jot down just like a poem kind of profound.

See me laughing shake my hand say good day say bye old friend.

The days of life though they are numbered are adding up and still they slumber.

Not one knows and not one cares that I see clearer here than there,

– Thomas M. Watt 

‘W’r’i’t’e’r’s’ M’a’d’n’e’s’s’

Flowing grey, colors gloom, 

Days to nights the hours zoom.

Sitting working writing lots.

Smelling words, sniffing jots.

Tired? Never. Restless? Yes sir.

Can’t put down the dream today I don’t think this dream will go away.

Got no reason for my belief except to say I’ve grown the seed.

What can be said about passion like this – a longing a turning an obsessive fit?

Oh not too much, except what they say – a passionate man can be so unsafe.

That living obsession and fuming too much and striving too hard and churning and such,

Can lead to madness, all scrambled thoughts. Can leave you with nothing but the knowledge you’ve lost.

But oh what to do! I cry but a tear! For it’s not my fault I’m a writer, those words brought me here!

– Thomas M. Watt

Hello to You

Hello to you with silent breath,

I hear your thoughts and struggled quest.

I’m sorry if you feel so bad. I’m sorry if you don’t feel glad.

I’m sorry if you feel so empty. I’m sorry if your dreams are heavy.

I’m sorry that you hate hope too. I’m sorry that depresses you.

I’m sorry if things didn’t work out. I’m sorry if the time ran out.

I’m sorry if you waste the days, waiting for grey clouds to rain.

I’m sorry if you feel alone. Sorry if you hate your phone.

Sorry if you’ve been betrayed, felt a loss, called deranged.

But there’s not much that I can do, except to say I’ve felt that too.

And when we breath with heavy chests with thoughts of lonely and great unrest,

And when we suck and can’t do shit and all is wrong and life’s a bitch,

That’s when you need to stand and say, “There’s still a chance, so fuck the grey.”

Because from deep anguish your heart rises, from great loss new hope surmises.

From your hatred of yourself, from your knowledge of no help, 

Comes a force from deep within, it helps you out, it’s why you’ll win.

For what more can they say to you, when you’ve lost all yet pulled on through?

You will win and shout and say, “I felt the loss, I did decay, I was depressed, I did delay. But then one day I stood and saw, a heart’s as heavy as its boss. Sorry folks but I refuse to curl all up and amuse you. No more laughing, no more scoffs, I’ve come to tell you no man’s lost.”

For on that day when they beat you, push you down, leave you bruised. You can rise if just you know it, turn around and make them notice. As much pain is in your chest as bad as hurt feels from this test, as much as God sounds like nonsense and as low as you feel from the rest, if you just rise and please believe – You only lose if you don’t breathe. 

– Thomas M. Watt

Feel It Tear

Pain inside is justified,

loss of much always resides,

on the bottom,

feeling grim,

trying hard to rise and win.

So much loss too much to take,

feel my days fall down like rain.

Every time I see that tumble every time I look I crumble.

Cannot watch this sport I played,

cannot enjoy a single day,

feel so much rage in me can’t feel your touch it’s too much sting.

Why oh why oh why oh God, tried so hard and feel so scorned. Not one can see the things I do, not one can bring my arm from ruin.

Let me breath and blink and smile, let me enjoy this cough a while.

I will get up I will go on I will still try to sing good songs.

Just take this wind and fly with me, take me through these painful springs.

Let me ignore the past I hate, let me go on this life of fate.

Raise me up to blue skies please, don’t let me lose to hands of thieves.

– Thomas M. Watt

(Illustration by Ayse Juaneda, the greatest artist in the world. Visit her blog for more incredible artwork – http://aysejuaneda.wordpress.com/

The Road is Bumpy So Bring A Lot of Persistence

“I’m a loser,” began the loser, “but I’m going to keep on trying anyways,” finished the winner. 

Addiction Cycle

See that circle running fast, see that spinning you to task.

Quit the drug and feel the peace, too many hours brings new cravings.

It’s alright, it’s okay, this time your drug won’t make you stray.

You’ll do it just a time or two, then live happy and live like you.

What’s the trouble, it will pass, just one more fix this one’s your last.

Years go by so quick they do, time it passes when drugs own you.

Never drops the feeling doesn’t, never does the blood stop loving.

Just a feeling is all it is, just the high which your drug gives.

A way to own to live to breath, a way to die to give to cease.

Gotta love just what drugs do, they move your soul then leave out you.

– Thomas M. Watt