Press Briefing – Aug 13, 2013

(McWatty9 walks out from the curtain, stumbles, then catches himself on the podium. Stands up straight, then addresses Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Folks, I know I promised you several things. One of which was more views, another of which was… what was it… uhh.. oh yes, of course. The second thing I promised you, I think it was at least, it was to have a second press conference before Matt Mullenweg’s surf day would end. I know I’ve kept you waiting, but the reason is that… well folks, I have been drinking.

(cameras flash, reporters scribble)

McWatty9 – That’s right folks, I have indeed been drinking. And I am trying so damn hard not to start rhyming, because I think that when alcohol hits my brain, every damn word goes together. Furthermore, I’m one hundred percent sure, that if I wanted to, I could list off ten pages of poetry right now. I really don’t want to, ladies and gentlemen, I really don’t want to.

Anyways, beyond the drinking, we have some topics to discuss. Namely, the polls. Today was alright. A smidge above yesterday, but we are heading in the right direction. We have many new followers, and more importantly, some more hot girls are following.

(The reporters frantically jot down drawings of the said hot girls)

McWatty9 – Also of importance, one particular girl named Michele Lea, mentioned that a posting of this administration caused her to laugh so hard she snorted. Though I can not see her face, I can comfortably say she has very nice legs. I am proud of this complement. Extra proud.

Now then, back to the world polls. As I stated earlier, we received new interest from Australia, and Switzerland. Now, I don’t know much about the latter, but the former, I have indeed visited. Do you want to know what life is like in Australia? Try to imagine going to a place where everybody could just as easily spend sunday in church or in prison. And then the following week, switch with their mates. So, to state more bluntly, I fucking love Australians, I fucking really do, I really like Australia, I wish I lived there too.

(Reporters look to one another, ask themselves if McWatty9 really just broke out in rhyme. Camera answer with a certain assertiveness that only comes from years of being the head nod guy)

McWatty9 – Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I got a bit off stray. I hear a rhyme now but I am going to ignore it for the present moment. Now then, the United Kingdom also came for some support, I would like to thank King Everything Iz Great, especially, for I read his quote in the ‘McWatt News Alert’ and was happy that he remained supportive of me.

Okay. The rhymes keep pounding. I’m sorry. I have other things to say, but they seem pretty blurry now. Man, I think I’m making a fool of myself. Am I?

(Reporters all write extra quickly, with brows turned down)

McWatty9 – Dammit! What are you guys writing about me? Say it to my face!

(Reporters write even faster)

Mcwatty9 – Alright, okay, you do indeed have a right to write about whatever you would like to say. Though, I must insist, I despise the fact that people remember how you acted that time you held a news conference while intoxicated. Would it have been better for me to approach you on more sober conditions? Absolutely. Should you enjoy the fact that I am amusing when I am drunk? Yes. Should you be a dick and tell all my friend the shit I said when I was drunk? No. That’s what seperates terrible people from decent human beings.

(Half the reporters continue to scribble, the other half drop their pens)

McWatty9 – Yeah. That’s great Bill. Remember that interview you requested? Never gonna happen. So, on behalf of my drunkenness, I’m going to go back behind that curtain, pass out for a really long time, then wake up and return to answer your questions. The reason I’m not going to take any questions now, is because I am really drunk, and would answer absolutely everything in thoughtless honesty. So, to sum it all up, if you have any question for me and the state of McWatty9, please write it down below in the comment box. If you are a hot girl, thank you for following, and continue to bring more hot girls. If you are from Australia, G’day mate, and fuck fosters cause it is a terrible representive of just how incredible Austrailian beer actually is. Thank you, and good night.

(Lots of bumbling commotion, pictures flashing, viewers thinking about posing a question in the comment box down below, viewers starting to think too hard about their question, viewers deciding not to answer their question, viewers re-deciding to comment a question, viewers submitting question.)

Press Briefing – Aug. 1, 2013

(McWatty9 is standing at the podium, addressing the nation about the day’s early outlook for the world polls. Reporters are ready with notepads, red lights flicker on at the cameras, and the Watties all tune in to hear their blogger speak.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this post briefing on behalf of the McWatt news alert issued earlier this morning. As many of you know, yesterday was a dismal day at the world polls. We struggled for visitors, comments were bleak, and two hours into Matt Mullenweg’s fresh new surf day, we still sat dead at zero views.

I know many were worried about the fate of this blog, and still remain petrified that they have chosen a leader not worthy of their following. Let me assure you, we are turning things around, working around the clock in my mind to think up new posts that will grab your attention and keep you here.

Now, there have been many recent developments as of late, and more specifically, the addition of several hot girls to my following. Hot girls, you see, are not just your average followers. When hot girls decide to read what you write and like it, it is a good indication that you are on the right track.

For, as several of our scientists concluded, hot girls are known as what we call in the blogging industry, ‘Actual Humans’. Do not be misled by the simplicity of the term, actual humans account for roughly two point five lives to that of a blogger.

What does this mean? This means that there shall be more to come. Never in the history of the world have hot girls gone to a place without attracting others. In fact, it has come to my attention that the only opinions that ever matter to me, are in fact the opinions of hot girls.

Furthermore, we have already received visits from such nations as Australia and Switzerland, just to name a few. I know many are still wondering if that one guy from India who mis-clicked his way here has yet to return, and I regret to inform you that he still hasn’t.

And so, on behalf of Thomas M. Watt, I am pleased to inform you that tides are shifting, and we are once again heading in the right direction. I would like to personally thank all of the hot girls who have recently visited my site, for in viewing your profile pictures I am overwhelmed with great appreciation.

That is all for now, I hope I have gained some of your likes back, but if not, I will still continue to labor intensely and bring this great blog back to what it once was. That is all for now, thank you.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, then ignores the barrage of questions as he promptly disappears behind a curtain around the back. Cameras continue to flash even a short while after.)