McWatty9 Wins Liebster Blog Award

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That’s right folks, I won an award. In case you didn’t know, Liebster is a word some humans use somewhere. I am grateful to be nominated by miss Alex, you can visit her blog here –http://thebewildered20somethingwriter.wordpress.com

In receiving this nomination, I must nominate several other bloggers and throw my own questions at them. I will post that later. But for now, I am on the spot, answering Alex’s questions. Big breath. Here we go –

What inspired you to start writing/blogging?

  • Well let me start out by saying I’m extremely nervous right now and can’t quite think clearly. I feel so on the spot and I know I’m making a fool of myself but the thoughts are coming fast and the hands keep typing them. Ok. Blogging? Well I wrote a book but I didn’t know any other humans so I felt a blog would be a good place to meet them. Along with humans, I am told fellow writers come here, too. Do you think I’m going to sound stupid when this gets posted?

If you could shrink any animal–real or mythical–so that it was pocket sized, what animal would you shrink and keep as a pet?

  • Well first off, Alex, thanks for easing the tension. Not. But in answering your question, following that comma back there is the rest of this sentence. I would shrink a… I would… Shrink… dog?

Name three guilty pleasure books and/or movies that you’re sorry you’re not sorry you like (say that three times fast).

  • So sorry not sor- wait. So sorry you’re not sorry I’m not – wait… shoot… Okay, so sorry I’m not your sorry I mean you’re… DAMN! Ok. Three guilty pleasure movies I’ve seen? Hmm…. I love Macgruber. I think it is the funniest movie I have ever seen and nobody else even likes it. Saw Jack Reacher the other day after hearing everybody whine about Tom Cruise being in it. Sorry, but that movie was awesome. Went out and bought one of the books in the series. Lee Child’s the man, by the way. Go check him out! Third? Hmm. Third. I really like… I… like… Umm… The Notebook. Why? Because when you’re asked by a girl if you have a guilty pleasure and you don’t say The Notebook you are an idiot.

If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?

  • Anything but Aaron, because Aaron is a girls name.

What inspires you creatively, i.e., what gets your creative juices pumping again when you’re in a bit of a slump?

  • I bash my fist into my head as hard as I can. It’s like magic.

If you knew you only had one hour before the zombie apocalypse, what would you do?

  • Cover my face with dirt then start walking with my arms straight out as I mumble, “Need… to eat… brains.”

Name the weirdest/funniest/coolest/most memorable/etc. dream you’ve had.

  • Oh, c’mon! Obviously a sex dream. Should I go into detail?

What advice would you give your six-year-old self?

  • You might as well give up. It’s never gonna happen.

What are the five things that make you the happiest?

  • I like toitles.

Star Wars or Star Trek?

  • Star Wars VS. Star Trek, when they finally sack up and make it happen.

Well, that’s it folks. I would bow right now, but I’m not going to. Why? Well I don’t know why, I thought all the questions were done with.

Thanks again Alex, hope after reading this you’re not ashamed you picked me. For the rest of you, watch out, I’m going to be posting my own nominations and questions later today.

– Thomas M. Watt

Perhaps I’m Not an Idiot

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Tired eyes, sleepy sighs, words are ringing singing rhymes,

Bells are back, the ruse it floats, I’d sure love to write good quotes,

Hope someday this dreams lands here in this present atmosphere,

Keep on going, almost there, getting close produces scare.

How much better can this be? How much work I’ve done for free.

All for one to read it true, all for buyers to say I do.

Cannot imagine a greater feeling than to produce an intrigued viewing.

Read my book, won’t you please, take a look, enjoy the read.

If you don’t, I don’t care… No I’m kidding to be fair.

Writing words that make you quit will make me throw a childish fit.

But to see you turn that page, just to feel you feel my rage,

To know the man is not alone, to know for sure I wrote true prose,

Just to see you stop and stare, to feel your eyes on what I’ve put there.

To know my pen produced that scribble, to hear my page played like a fiddle,

To know I’ve conquered the t.v., to see for once the thoughts of me –

Carried on into another, shared by those who pass the cover.

To see the work amount to glee, to know for once I’m not diseased.

Finding out is not so bad, as long as finding makes you glad.

– Thomas M. Watt

Feel It Tear

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Pain inside is justified,

loss of much always resides,

on the bottom,

feeling grim,

trying hard to rise and win.

So much loss too much to take,

feel my days fall down like rain.

Every time I see that tumble every time I look I crumble.

Cannot watch this sport I played,

cannot enjoy a single day,

feel so much rage in me can’t feel your touch it’s too much sting.

Why oh why oh why oh God, tried so hard and feel so scorned. Not one can see the things I do, not one can bring my arm from ruin.

Let me breath and blink and smile, let me enjoy this cough a while.

I will get up I will go on I will still try to sing good songs.

Just take this wind and fly with me, take me through these painful springs.

Let me ignore the past I hate, let me go on this life of fate.

Raise me up to blue skies please, don’t let me lose to hands of thieves.

– Thomas M. Watt

(Illustration by Ayse Juaneda, the greatest artist in the world. Visit her blog for more incredible artwork – http://aysejuaneda.wordpress.com/

The Dream is free but the Pain cost a Lifetime

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Painful brush strokes imagination, is this talent or procrastination.

See the fault of others true, cannot judge my own work too.

Painful headaches modest scoff, writing words or losing thoughts.

What’s the point of point of view, when you’re the biggest fan for you.

So damn subjective so many accuse, I’m wasting time to feel the blues.

One more edit, maybe two, after that I think I’m through.

Have persisted through so much, have not yet made a single buck.

How does that one sad story go, the one where reality is always cold?

Well oh well I guess that’s it, I hope my talent is not too stink.

– Thomas M. Watt

Attention Bloggers

Does anyone know anything about WordPress? I believe it is time to take my blog to the next level. And by next level, I mean from amateur hour to half-decent homepage. As of right now, I don’t know anything about anything, and nothing about nothing. All I’m looking for is some advice to take this thing from embarrassing to a chuckle, so no overwhelming input like ‘digitize your quantosphere’ or stuff of that nature. I’m looking for, ‘click here, and then press that button, and presto!’ Specifically, I am getting a great many views on the home page/archives. I would like to get more view on specific postings I have published, yet nobody seems to click on them. Am I an idiot? Of course not. Do I want you to teach me as if I am an idiot? Well…okay. So shoot away tech-squad, feed me with your suggestions/valuable input/ complicated button clickings.

Thanks,

All of us at the McWatty9 technical center (two hands that can type pretty good)

McWatty9 Interview

Hello everybody, my name is Thomas M. Watt, established poet, and eloquent novelist. I am sitting alongside McWatty9 today, who was supposed to hold a press conference and answer many questions in regard to the state of Wattie nation. Unfortunately, ‘The Watties’ appear very weak at this point, and issued no questions themselves. Therefore, I have chosen to interview the infamous McWatty9 myself. Let us begin.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I would first like to thank you for joining me today, and would like to congratulate you on bringing multiple bloggers to laugh quite hysterically at some of your recent posts.

McWatty9 – Yeah well I don’t have shit to do tonight so it’s really not that big of a deal. But the bloggers who laughed hard weren’t just normal bloggers Tommy boy, they were actually hot girls.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh, well… that’s good to know. So McWatty9, where do you get the ideas for your skits? I mean, some of them are very creative.

McWatty9 – Well Tommy, I’ll tell you. Often times when I’m breathing, I like to think. Sometimes when I think, I get these… ideas. And then I write them down.

Thomas M. Watt – Haha. No doubt this is a taste of your sarcasm?

McWatty9 – No. Is there a different way or something?

Thomas M. Watt – Well, I don’t know, you just state things so plainly. Moving on, there was a blog you posted earlier this week pertaining to paintball guns and go carts. By the name of several of your tags, you seemed to be ashamed of the posting. Why?

McWatty9 – Well, you see Tommy boy, a lot of times when you outline dumbass shit for people to do, several dipshits actually go out and try it.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yeah, it’s true.

Thomas M. Watt – Interesting, to say the least. Holding your press conference last night, did you ever think you might be better off hiding your level of intoxication, rather than making it so apparent to the public?

McWatty9 – No Tommy.

Thomas M. Watt – Why not?

McWatty9 – Because I was fucked up. In fact, often times when I drink, I do many things that at the time seem like a good idea, and then wake up and realize they weren’t such a good idea.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh? Care to elaborate?

McWatty9 – Sure. Often times, I enjoy approaching woman and doing such things as hitting on them, flirting with them, and then thinking up various techniques to take them to the sack.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yes. You see, this strange feeling comes over me, and it launches me into predatorily mode. I look around the room for strictly the most good looking of the bunch, then I approach them, and then I talk to them, and then I buy them a drink.

Thomas M. Watt – And how does this ‘technique’ work out for you?

McWatty9 – It really depends, you know.

Thomas M. Watt – Depends on what?

McWatty9 – How long I am willing to pretend like I’m still interested. The funniest thing happens, where the skanks I court begin to disgust me, because I realize that, at times, I’m not actually talking to a person, but a walking manual for what someone should act like in a social setting.

Thomas M. Watt – Hmm. Do go on.

McWatty9 – Well, there seems to be this personality type that ninety percent or more of the population strives to pretend to be. Upon realizing I’ve met another clone, even in my fucked-up-ness, I realize I still have no interest in dating a picture cut out from a magazine.

Thomas M. Watt – Really?

McWatty9 – Yes. Usually, my courting lasts up until I begin to make sarcastic remarks in response to the skank’s preference to appear as something more than she is. That seems to be the end for me, as I can only kiss an ass so many times, before my lips can no longer move, and my ears begin to burn with every word I hear.

Thomas M. Watt – Don’t you think such a view is somewhat sexist?

McWatty9 – Not really. Skankism is a disease Tom, not a gender type. Are you sexist?

Thomas M. Watt – I write poetry.

McWatty9 – Oh, right. You’re like that weirdo in the corner waiting by the ladies room.

Thomas M. Watt – What? No. That’s a terrible accusation.

McWatty9 – It’s not an accusation Tommy boy, it’s an assumption. Only creeps write poems.

Thomas M. Watt – You are beginning to offend me, McWatty9.

McWatty9 – Oh, well… Sorry.

Thomas M. Watt – It’s alright, I understand you enjoy making people laugh.

McWatty9 – Yes, and you enjoy creeping on woman because you are a pervert. We each have our own ways.

Thomas M. Watt – I’m beginning to dislike you the more I get to know you.

McWatty9 – And I’m beginning to think you’re a bit of a pussy.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I’m not going to empower you by responding to that. This interview is over.

McWatty9 – Tommy boy, I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean that seriously.

Thomas M. Watt – Ha, well, I can never quite tell with you McWatty9. Thanks for coming today.

(Handshake)

McWatty9 – And thanks for making a joke about ejaculation to finish it you perverted creep.

Paintball Go Carts

Yes. That’s right. Just did it. Here is how it went.

Long, spiraling track. Go-carts traveling at a steady 15 miles an hour. Mine was a lambo-cart, and so I got to go a hundred and twenty. Yeah, that’s right, a fuckin’ lambo.

Over my right shoulder I carry an assault paintball shooter, over my left a bazooka paint bucket blaster. Blowin’ kids up, left and right. Mom and dads whining, little kids crying, employees hollering.

Oh yeah, that’s right. It wasn’t actually called paintball go-carts. I just brought my own.

Anyways, I’m splattering these shit heads left and right, just absolutely demolishing everything in sight. The pavement track, the rubber tires, and that idiot who bought a house right next to an amusement park! What an idiot!

So there I am, fuckin’ crushing shit. Just wrecking everything, parents, clowns in the distance. Bam Bam Bam!

Cars in the parking lot, helicopters in the air, parachuting special operatives, until, finally, this kid comes out of nowhere!

And, can you believe this, he fuckin’ fish-tails me! “Are you kidding me?” I shout, before calling for an employee and pointing aggressively at him. Then, turning to the kid, “Didn’t you read the rules? No bumping other carts, dude.’

And that was when the cops arrived, and placed me under arrest. They didn’t even bother with that lousy punk. Makes me wonder if anybody cares about the rules anymore, it really makes me wonder…

Did you know? If you actually try this you are a fucking idiot and deserve to go to jail and get your ass kicked.