That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I have been nominated for not one, but TWO sunshine blogger awards. Many thanks to both lovely ladies, Jennifer Calvert and Karina Pinella. I have received a grand total of sixteen questions to answer. Due to my smart-ass nature, I’ve elected to answer them in a press conference format, along with two of my other personalities. Make sure to read through to the bottom, because I’ve nominated 5 others for the award along with my own list of questions. Without further ado, I bring you the joint press conference.
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Three candidates take the stage simultaneously. Standing at the podium on the right is Thomas M. Watt, who takes a sip from his bottled water then adjusts his microphone. The middle podium belongs to McWatty9, whose devilish smile and fiery eyes are enough to prompt any parents to put their children to bed early. Hunching over the third podium and breathing with his mouth open is Henry Huerto, and it appears he forgot to brush some potato chip remnants off his t-shirt.
“Any a you idiots got a question?” says McWatty9.
Most journalists lower their hands and take up their pens. A woman in a purple blouse speaks up.
“Who are your favorite published authors?” she asks.
“Great question,” says Thomas. “I’ve always enjoyed anything written by John Steinbeck, but some of his work stirs me emotionally, particularly East of Eden. I tend to shy away from anything that hits too close to home, so I’ve never been able to finish that book. Right now I’m really into Vince Gilligan-”
“Lady asked about published authors dipshit, not television writers,” says McWatty9.
Thomas nods. “Yes, I’m aware. Thing is, his shows include so many awesome plot twists and feature strong, dynamic characters. I really enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson, so I guess I should include him, too.”
Man with a hawaiian button-down shoots up from his seat. “What did you want to grow up to accomplish in your life?” Other journalist raise their eyebrows at him. He gradually sits back down.
“A lot,” says Henry Huerto. “But you know, I didn’t do any of it. I guess I’m just a loser…”
You could hear crickets. Every person in the room avoids eye contact with Henry.
“Right, uhh, what are your favorite Movies?” says a journalist.
“The one I made with your mom,” says McWatty9. “And it’s about how we made you-”
“I’ll answer that,” says Thomas, racing to grab his mic.
“‘Cause I boned her,” says McWatty9.
“Favorite movies,” says Thomas. “I’d have to say the Matrix tops my list. The moment when Neo stands up after being shot dead inspires me every time. I watched Silence of the Lambs recently, that was an incredible body of work. Also enjoyed se7en, especially the ending – it’s funny how much of an impact the ending of a film has on your overall impression of the movie.”
“If you got to choose your last meal in life, what would it be?” asks a reporter.
“Hot cheetos and a gatorade,” says Henry.
“You a teenage girl?” says McWatty9.
“No… that just sounds good right now.”
“Ya know where the Brooklyn bridge’s at?”
“Yea,” says Henry.
“Good. Go there and Jump off it.”
“Next question,” says Thomas.
An eight year old girl wearing a backpack stands up. “What is your favorite… temperature?”
McWatty9 jumps to respond: “Eighteen hundred degrees.”
Room falls silent.
“Why?” asks Thomas.
“Because that’s the temperature I’m gonna have Henry cremated at.”
“Introvert or Extrovert?” asks a journalist.
Thomas answers. “Introvert, for sure. I like people, but I feel the majority of social gatherings are pointless and irrelevant. People respond to you better when you’re successful anyway, so I’d rather pour my time into whatever skill I’m currently trying to develop. Currently that’s writing… besides, no matter what group of people I spend time with, they inevitably begin bashing some other person who doesn’t conform to their group. I genuinely hate that, and the more I open my mouth I discover I’m a disagreeable person. My mind is always working toward fixing some kind of problem. Interactive, or extroverted people put a lot of time and effort into their relationships. I put mine into stories.”
Media members nod.
“What are your favorite past times?” asks a young women with a low-cut top.
“You,” says McWatty9.
Thomas clears his throat. “If I’m going to be honest, I have to say I don’t care much for any hobbies or endeavors that don’t bring me closer to my long-term goals. I have an obsessive, addictive personality, and don’t live anything close to a balanced life… So I have to say none.”
“What about yourself would you change, if you could?”
Henry grabs his mic. “Self doubt, paranoia, overthinking. Emotions get the better of me. I hate myself.”
An unsettling silence comes over the crowd.
“Brooklyn bridge,” says McWatty9, through a cough.
“What scares you the most?”
Thomas answers. “I hate spiders.”
“Bet ya like turtles,” says McWatty9.
Another journalists stands. “Why do you blog?”
“I like to see the responses I get to my stories. It’s a free way to get feedback, and an easy way to tell whether I’m putting out quality work. For a long time, people only seemed to enjoy the poems I would post. My short stories have only recently began to entertain my followers, and I’m really thrilled about that… for a long time, I couldn’t pay people to read my work.”
Guy with a rasta cap shouts: “Who is your favorite musician?”
Thomas says, “Currently I alternate between Eminem and Coldplay. Chris Martin is a genius, but I have mad respect for Eminem, especially because I relate to his struggle to make something of himself. He faced a lot of adversity and didn’t have much support. I should add that Ocean by John Butler Trio is the most beautiful song in the world.”
“How do you feel about awards?” says a teenager with zits.
“Same as I feel ’bout you,” says McWatty9.
“What is your favorite dessert?” says a big guy with a mustache.
“Um, I kind of like good and plenty,” says Henry. “I don’t know, those sound good right now… Does anybody have some I could share?”
“What makes your world rock?” says the young woman with the low-cut top. She bites the end of her pen.
“Dreams of the future,” says Thomas. “That always beats my current reality.”
“Waddup,” says the guy with the rasta cap. “Favorite music?”
Thomas grins and answers: “Similar to my taste for cinema and novels. When something is well written, it speaks to you. I don’t limit myself to any one genre, I’m more a fan of the individual artist.”
“How important is it to you to be a famous writer?” blurts out a father.
“I’m happy just to write,” says Thomas, before scratching the back of his head, then biting his lips. “Actually, it’s everything to me. That’s what I want to do with my life.”
The moderator walks out onto the stage, and claps his hands. “Ok folks, thank you all for joining us. That’ll be the end of the questions, so… get the hell out!”
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Now for my 5 nominees, and my ten questions. If you are nominated, you have to answer these… your wordpress contract obligates you under penalty of prison time, in case you never read the small print when you signed up. My nominees are:
- Storytime with John – Kid’s a natural. He’s up there with A Opinionated Man (see below).
- Ben Myatt – Writes bad ass characters, though his latest post has me concerned.
- Kevin Cooper – Ally of indie authors everywhere, great person and writer of the Miedo series.
- A Opinionated Man – King of internet blogs, far too big to bother with this.
- Ray M. Meadows – Fantastic writer and confrontational twitter-er
And the questions I have for you:
- If you could instantly learn any one skill set (i.e. fly a plane, fix an engine, surf), what would it be?
- It’s a beautiful, bright sunny day. What are your plans?
- Neighbor’s dog defecates right outside your front door. How do you respond?
- You just won the lottery. What’s the first thing you do?
- What do you think of these questions so far?
- I disagree. State something that most people consider completely normal that always feels bizarre to you.
- Zombie apocalypse – Which personality are you in your group of survivors?
- Do you regret accepting this award?
- Why do you blog?
- Any current projects you’re working on you’d care to share?
- Thomas M. Watt