Sunshine Blogger Award

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That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I have been nominated for not one, but TWO sunshine blogger awards. Many thanks to both lovely ladies, Jennifer Calvert and Karina Pinella. I have received a grand total of sixteen questions to answer. Due to my smart-ass nature, I’ve elected to answer them in a press conference format, along with two of my other personalities. Make sure to read through to the bottom, because I’ve nominated 5 others for the award along with my own list of questions. Without further ado, I bring you the joint press conference.

  • * *

Three candidates take the stage simultaneously. Standing at the podium on the right is Thomas M. Watt, who takes a sip from his bottled water then adjusts his microphone. The middle podium belongs to McWatty9, whose devilish smile and fiery eyes are enough to prompt any parents to put their children to bed early. Hunching over the third podium and breathing with his mouth open is Henry Huerto, and it appears he forgot to brush some potato chip remnants off his t-shirt.

“Any a you idiots got a question?” says McWatty9.

Most journalists lower their hands and take up their pens. A woman in a purple blouse speaks up.

“Who are your favorite published authors?” she asks.

“Great question,” says Thomas. “I’ve always enjoyed anything written by John Steinbeck, but some of his work stirs me emotionally, particularly East of Eden. I tend to shy away from anything that hits too close to home, so I’ve never been able to finish that book. Right now I’m really into Vince Gilligan-”

“Lady asked about published authors dipshit, not television writers,” says McWatty9.

Thomas nods. “Yes, I’m aware. Thing is, his shows include so many awesome plot twists and feature strong, dynamic characters. I really enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson, so I guess I should include him, too.”

Man with a hawaiian button-down shoots up from his seat. “What did you want to grow up to accomplish in your life?”  Other journalist raise their eyebrows at him. He gradually sits back down.

“A lot,” says Henry Huerto. “But you know, I didn’t do any of it. I guess I’m just a loser…”

You could hear crickets. Every person in the room avoids eye contact with Henry.

“Right, uhh, what are your favorite Movies?” says a journalist.

“The one I made with your mom,” says McWatty9. “And it’s about how we made you-”

“I’ll answer that,” says Thomas, racing to grab his mic.

“‘Cause I boned her,” says McWatty9.

“Favorite movies,” says Thomas. “I’d have to say the Matrix tops my list. The moment when Neo stands up after being shot dead inspires me every time. I watched Silence of the Lambs recently, that was an incredible body of work. Also enjoyed se7en, especially the ending – it’s funny how much of an impact the ending of a film has on your overall impression of the movie.”

“If you got to choose your last meal in life, what would it be?” asks a reporter.

“Hot cheetos and a gatorade,” says Henry.

“You a teenage girl?” says McWatty9.

“No… that just sounds good right now.”

“Ya know where the Brooklyn bridge’s at?”

“Yea,” says Henry.

“Good. Go there and Jump off it.”

“Next question,” says Thomas.

An eight year old girl wearing a backpack stands up. “What is your favorite… temperature?”

McWatty9 jumps to respond: “Eighteen hundred degrees.”

Room falls silent.

“Why?” asks Thomas.

“Because that’s the temperature I’m gonna have Henry cremated at.”

“Introvert or Extrovert?” asks a journalist.

Thomas answers. “Introvert, for sure. I like people, but I feel the majority of social gatherings are pointless and irrelevant. People respond to you better when you’re successful anyway, so I’d rather pour my time into whatever skill I’m currently trying to develop. Currently that’s writing… besides, no matter what group of people I spend time with, they inevitably begin bashing some other person who doesn’t conform to their group. I genuinely hate that, and the more I open my mouth I discover I’m a disagreeable person. My mind is always working toward fixing some kind of problem. Interactive, or extroverted people put a lot of time and effort into their relationships. I put mine into stories.”

Media members nod.

“What are your favorite past times?” asks a young women with a low-cut top.

“You,” says McWatty9.

Thomas clears his throat. “If I’m going to be honest, I have to say I don’t care much for any hobbies or endeavors that don’t bring me closer to my long-term goals. I have an obsessive, addictive personality, and don’t live anything close to a balanced life… So I have to say none.”

“What about yourself would you change, if you could?”

Henry grabs his mic. “Self doubt, paranoia, overthinking. Emotions get the better of me. I hate myself.”

An unsettling silence comes over the crowd.

“Brooklyn bridge,” says McWatty9, through a cough.

“What scares you the most?”

Thomas answers. “I hate spiders.”

“Bet ya like turtles,” says McWatty9.

Another journalists stands. “Why do you blog?”

“I like to see the responses I get to my stories. It’s a free way to get feedback, and an easy way to tell whether I’m putting out quality work. For a long time, people only seemed to enjoy the poems I would post. My short stories have only recently began to entertain my followers, and I’m really thrilled about that… for a long time, I couldn’t pay people to read my work.”

Guy with a rasta cap shouts: “Who is your favorite musician?”

Thomas says, “Currently I alternate between Eminem and Coldplay. Chris Martin is a genius, but I have mad respect for Eminem, especially because I relate to his struggle to make something of himself. He faced a lot of adversity and didn’t have much support. I should add that Ocean by John Butler Trio is the most beautiful song in the world.”

“How do you feel about awards?” says a teenager with zits.

“Same as I feel ’bout you,” says McWatty9.

“What is your favorite dessert?” says a big guy with a mustache.

“Um, I kind of like good and plenty,” says Henry. “I don’t know, those sound good right now… Does anybody have some I could share?”

Crickets.

“What makes your world rock?” says the young woman with the low-cut top. She bites the end of her pen.

“Dreams of the future,” says Thomas. “That always beats my current reality.”

“Waddup,” says the guy with the rasta cap. “Favorite music?”

Thomas grins and answers: “Similar to my taste for cinema and novels. When something is well written, it speaks to you. I don’t limit myself to any one genre, I’m more a fan of the individual artist.”

“How important is it to you to be a famous writer?” blurts out a father.

“I’m happy just to write,” says Thomas, before scratching the back of his head, then biting his lips. “Actually, it’s everything to me. That’s what I want to do with my life.”

The moderator walks out onto the stage, and claps his hands. “Ok folks, thank you all for joining us. That’ll be the end of the questions, so… get the hell out!”

  • * *

Now for my 5 nominees, and my ten questions. If you are nominated, you have to answer these… your wordpress contract obligates you under penalty of prison time, in case you never read the small print when you signed up. My nominees are:

  1. Storytime with John – Kid’s a natural. He’s up there with A Opinionated Man (see below).
  2. Ben Myatt – Writes bad ass characters, though his latest post has me concerned.
  3. Kevin Cooper – Ally of indie authors everywhere, great person and writer of the Miedo series.
  4. A Opinionated Man – King of internet blogs, far too big to bother with this.
  5. Ray M. Meadows – Fantastic writer and confrontational twitter-er

And the questions I have for you:

  1. If you could instantly learn any one skill set (i.e. fly a plane, fix an engine, surf), what would it be?
  2. It’s a beautiful, bright sunny day. What are your plans?
  3. Neighbor’s dog defecates right outside your front door. How do you respond?
  4. You just won the lottery. What’s the first thing you do?
  5. What do you think of these questions so far?
  6. I disagree. State something that most people consider completely normal that always feels bizarre to you.
  7. Zombie apocalypse – Which personality are you in your group of survivors?
  8. Do you regret accepting this award?
  9. Why do you blog?
  10. Any current projects you’re working on you’d care to share?

Thank you again to Jennifer and Karina for the nominations, and congratulations to those whom I nominated! I’ll be back blogging a new short story soon.

  • Thomas M. Watt

A Conversation between Thomas M. Watt and a character from his book

Adam from, “Way of the World.”

Thomas and Adam were both sitting on the curb together. Thomas was wearing his shoulder sling, while Adam was sipping scotch from his flask, dressed in his usual eccentric attire.

“Rah, why are we here, Thomas?” said Adam.

Thomas shrugged. “I don’t know. Just wanted to talk, I guess.”

“Talk? You want to talk let’s do it at a barroom.”

“We’re here, so just deal with it.”

“Sure.” Adam scoffed. “Deal with it. He shook his head. “What a terrible phrase. Well, let’s have at it then. What have you brought me here for?”

“I wanted to talk about your plot. I wanted to see how you felt about it.”

“About what, exactly?” said Adam.

“You know, the love curse. The prophesy on the train. The fact that if you fall in love it puts your entire company at risk.”

“You know that company hardly matters to me. And I don’t care about love, either. Despite what you might think,” Said Adam, scratching his long white chin.

Thomas laughed and adjusted his sling. “What about those quiet moments when you seem ashamed of yourself?”

“What! C’mon! Everybody has those moments! It’s called having fun. Thomas, listen, I honestly don’t care about my plot, whatsoever. I just need you to do one thing for me.”

“What?”

“Allow me to fuck Evelynn.”

“What! I can’t do that!” said Thomas.

“Why not?” said Adam.

“Because that’s what’s driving your whole story now! It’ll kill the suspense!”

“Oh, forget suspense! Here, I’ve got an idea.” Adam stretched his tall lanky legs straight out in front of him, then rested his white-gloved hands in his lap.

“What?” said Thomas.

“How about this – If I don’t have sex with Evelynn at least twenty times in your novel, the Kingsley Products goes out of business.”

Thomas laughed. “I’m sorry, I can’t see that appealing much to readers over the age of thirteen.”

Adam stood up, then brushed some dirt off of his white buckskin shoes. “Rah.” He stood up straight. “Well what’s with you, anyhow?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, how are you? What exactly happened today?”

“With what?” said Thomas.

“Oh, c’mon, you know what! You had a captivating story going for a few days, then you published the finale this morning, and… well… let’s just say it wasn’t good.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“In fact, I’d say it was shit.”

“Yeah. I know,” repeated Thomas.

Adam laughed. He picked up a small black pebble then tossed it into the street. “Why did you publish it?”

Thomas shook his head. “I don’t know. I had forty-five minutes to write it, and by the time the first draft was finished, I had to get out the door. I guess I just pressed publish without a second thought.”

“It was a mistake.”

“Yeah, tell me about it. Nine views and three likes. I’m hoping they just didn’t wanna press the button.”

“No,” said Adam. “They read it and decided it was shit.”

Thomas raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, or that.”

“Billy the butler? That was almost offensive. You’re not a very good writer, you know.”

“I created you.”

“Yeah, that’s why I said it. You don’t bring a character out of his normal setting to have a conversation with him. And about his own plot, for rah-sakes!”

Thomas stood up. “Well shit, I’ve been struggling all day with this thing. I even wrote a poem about it.”

“Yeah, and the poem sucked.”

“You’re kind of a dick, you know.”

“And you’re kind of a bad writer.”

“Whatever dude. I’m leaving.”

“Hey dude!” Adam called out, as Thomas started away.

“What?!”

“Write me more sex scenes! Get me some new flousies or something!”

“It’s spelled floozies.”

“Shut-it, you’re the writer. It was you who decided to be different and spell it your way.” Adam adjusted his black felt topper and failed to hide his smirk.

“What?” said Thomas.

“I’m just embarrassed to have been created by you, is all.”

Thomas opened to speak, before biting down hard on his bottom lip and walking away.

– Billy the Butler

McWatty9 Wins Liebster Blog Award

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That’s right folks, I won an award. In case you didn’t know, Liebster is a word some humans use somewhere. I am grateful to be nominated by miss Alex, you can visit her blog here –http://thebewildered20somethingwriter.wordpress.com

In receiving this nomination, I must nominate several other bloggers and throw my own questions at them. I will post that later. But for now, I am on the spot, answering Alex’s questions. Big breath. Here we go –

What inspired you to start writing/blogging?

  • Well let me start out by saying I’m extremely nervous right now and can’t quite think clearly. I feel so on the spot and I know I’m making a fool of myself but the thoughts are coming fast and the hands keep typing them. Ok. Blogging? Well I wrote a book but I didn’t know any other humans so I felt a blog would be a good place to meet them. Along with humans, I am told fellow writers come here, too. Do you think I’m going to sound stupid when this gets posted?

If you could shrink any animal–real or mythical–so that it was pocket sized, what animal would you shrink and keep as a pet?

  • Well first off, Alex, thanks for easing the tension. Not. But in answering your question, following that comma back there is the rest of this sentence. I would shrink a… I would… Shrink… dog?

Name three guilty pleasure books and/or movies that you’re sorry you’re not sorry you like (say that three times fast).

  • So sorry not sor- wait. So sorry you’re not sorry I’m not – wait… shoot… Okay, so sorry I’m not your sorry I mean you’re… DAMN! Ok. Three guilty pleasure movies I’ve seen? Hmm…. I love Macgruber. I think it is the funniest movie I have ever seen and nobody else even likes it. Saw Jack Reacher the other day after hearing everybody whine about Tom Cruise being in it. Sorry, but that movie was awesome. Went out and bought one of the books in the series. Lee Child’s the man, by the way. Go check him out! Third? Hmm. Third. I really like… I… like… Umm… The Notebook. Why? Because when you’re asked by a girl if you have a guilty pleasure and you don’t say The Notebook you are an idiot.

If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?

  • Anything but Aaron, because Aaron is a girls name.

What inspires you creatively, i.e., what gets your creative juices pumping again when you’re in a bit of a slump?

  • I bash my fist into my head as hard as I can. It’s like magic.

If you knew you only had one hour before the zombie apocalypse, what would you do?

  • Cover my face with dirt then start walking with my arms straight out as I mumble, “Need… to eat… brains.”

Name the weirdest/funniest/coolest/most memorable/etc. dream you’ve had.

  • Oh, c’mon! Obviously a sex dream. Should I go into detail?

What advice would you give your six-year-old self?

  • You might as well give up. It’s never gonna happen.

What are the five things that make you the happiest?

  • I like toitles.

Star Wars or Star Trek?

  • Star Wars VS. Star Trek, when they finally sack up and make it happen.

Well, that’s it folks. I would bow right now, but I’m not going to. Why? Well I don’t know why, I thought all the questions were done with.

Thanks again Alex, hope after reading this you’re not ashamed you picked me. For the rest of you, watch out, I’m going to be posting my own nominations and questions later today.

– Thomas M. Watt

McWatty9 Interview

Hello everybody, my name is Thomas M. Watt, established poet, and eloquent novelist. I am sitting alongside McWatty9 today, who was supposed to hold a press conference and answer many questions in regard to the state of Wattie nation. Unfortunately, ‘The Watties’ appear very weak at this point, and issued no questions themselves. Therefore, I have chosen to interview the infamous McWatty9 myself. Let us begin.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I would first like to thank you for joining me today, and would like to congratulate you on bringing multiple bloggers to laugh quite hysterically at some of your recent posts.

McWatty9 – Yeah well I don’t have shit to do tonight so it’s really not that big of a deal. But the bloggers who laughed hard weren’t just normal bloggers Tommy boy, they were actually hot girls.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh, well… that’s good to know. So McWatty9, where do you get the ideas for your skits? I mean, some of them are very creative.

McWatty9 – Well Tommy, I’ll tell you. Often times when I’m breathing, I like to think. Sometimes when I think, I get these… ideas. And then I write them down.

Thomas M. Watt – Haha. No doubt this is a taste of your sarcasm?

McWatty9 – No. Is there a different way or something?

Thomas M. Watt – Well, I don’t know, you just state things so plainly. Moving on, there was a blog you posted earlier this week pertaining to paintball guns and go carts. By the name of several of your tags, you seemed to be ashamed of the posting. Why?

McWatty9 – Well, you see Tommy boy, a lot of times when you outline dumbass shit for people to do, several dipshits actually go out and try it.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yeah, it’s true.

Thomas M. Watt – Interesting, to say the least. Holding your press conference last night, did you ever think you might be better off hiding your level of intoxication, rather than making it so apparent to the public?

McWatty9 – No Tommy.

Thomas M. Watt – Why not?

McWatty9 – Because I was fucked up. In fact, often times when I drink, I do many things that at the time seem like a good idea, and then wake up and realize they weren’t such a good idea.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh? Care to elaborate?

McWatty9 – Sure. Often times, I enjoy approaching woman and doing such things as hitting on them, flirting with them, and then thinking up various techniques to take them to the sack.

Thomas M. Watt – Oh?

McWatty9 – Yes. You see, this strange feeling comes over me, and it launches me into predatorily mode. I look around the room for strictly the most good looking of the bunch, then I approach them, and then I talk to them, and then I buy them a drink.

Thomas M. Watt – And how does this ‘technique’ work out for you?

McWatty9 – It really depends, you know.

Thomas M. Watt – Depends on what?

McWatty9 – How long I am willing to pretend like I’m still interested. The funniest thing happens, where the skanks I court begin to disgust me, because I realize that, at times, I’m not actually talking to a person, but a walking manual for what someone should act like in a social setting.

Thomas M. Watt – Hmm. Do go on.

McWatty9 – Well, there seems to be this personality type that ninety percent or more of the population strives to pretend to be. Upon realizing I’ve met another clone, even in my fucked-up-ness, I realize I still have no interest in dating a picture cut out from a magazine.

Thomas M. Watt – Really?

McWatty9 – Yes. Usually, my courting lasts up until I begin to make sarcastic remarks in response to the skank’s preference to appear as something more than she is. That seems to be the end for me, as I can only kiss an ass so many times, before my lips can no longer move, and my ears begin to burn with every word I hear.

Thomas M. Watt – Don’t you think such a view is somewhat sexist?

McWatty9 – Not really. Skankism is a disease Tom, not a gender type. Are you sexist?

Thomas M. Watt – I write poetry.

McWatty9 – Oh, right. You’re like that weirdo in the corner waiting by the ladies room.

Thomas M. Watt – What? No. That’s a terrible accusation.

McWatty9 – It’s not an accusation Tommy boy, it’s an assumption. Only creeps write poems.

Thomas M. Watt – You are beginning to offend me, McWatty9.

McWatty9 – Oh, well… Sorry.

Thomas M. Watt – It’s alright, I understand you enjoy making people laugh.

McWatty9 – Yes, and you enjoy creeping on woman because you are a pervert. We each have our own ways.

Thomas M. Watt – I’m beginning to dislike you the more I get to know you.

McWatty9 – And I’m beginning to think you’re a bit of a pussy.

Thomas M. Watt – McWatty9, I’m not going to empower you by responding to that. This interview is over.

McWatty9 – Tommy boy, I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean that seriously.

Thomas M. Watt – Ha, well, I can never quite tell with you McWatty9. Thanks for coming today.

(Handshake)

McWatty9 – And thanks for making a joke about ejaculation to finish it you perverted creep.

Famous Quotes

Here is a list of great quotes I would say if I was famous and did an interview this morning. Just imagine me sitting at the podium and all the reporters raising there hands eagerly for the next question.

McWatty9, aren’t you concerned about dying?

me – Ah, so what. Life Goes on.

(Reporters all start speaking really softly and quickly and flap their hands at me)

Me – Yes, reporter with the big nose.

Big nose – Many of your followers are concerned some of your material suggests you’ve already gone off the deep end. Care to Comment?

Me – Yes.

(More frantic squabbling among the reporters)

Me – (pointing)  Man with donut crumbs on his shirt, go ahead.

Donut crumbs – Uh, yeah, is it true you had sex with that woman?

Me – Was she good looking?

Donut Crumbs – Not really.

Me – Theres a time and place to answer that question, but it is neither here nor now… Meet me at the urinal after the press conference though and all the guys can have a good laugh about it.

(All the male reporters fail to stifle their chuckles, while all the women stand up in outrage and angrily wave their mics at me)

me – Yes, you, the woman wearing the hemp beanie and no make up.

woman with the beanie – Is it true you are a sexist pig?

me – No I’m actually a human.

(frivolous commotion)

me – Yes, you the hot lady.

hot lady – Umm. I’m not a reporter and I don’t have a question.

Me – I know but I’m obviously a celebrity and I was just making my pick for who I was going to have sex with tonight.

(pictures flash, pens scribble, I wink)

Me – Yes, Perez Hilton, go ahead.

Perez Hilton – I recently talked to some of my celebrity leech friends, and they told me that you aren’t actually a real celebrity, because you don’t buy drinks for any of them and don’t even have a real entourage.

me – Well you’re not a real reporter so get the fuck out of the journalism industry and try to make a living without destroying the people who actually have talent and stop making a mockery of a once respectable profession.

Perez Hilton (shaking) – Ohhh you don’t wanna mess with me, I can make or break you! I’ll have you made into a such a fool and then sue your ass for harassment!

Me – (jumping off the podium, picking Perez Hilton up, breaking him in half over my knee, tossing both the pieces aside, urinating on both his upper and lower extremities as pictures flash like lightning)

Me – Well that’s it folks. Where’s that hot lady?