The Big “L” – 1/12

I don’t know that I’ve ever felt more distraught during the writing of a post. I don’t know that I’ve ever sat down and written feeling so helplessly frustrated.

Yesterday was a failure. An enormous failure. A huge, whopping, capital “L”.

The day began great, with big plans and lofty ambitions. Everything was set and ready, the props were in order, and I even purchased a knock-off “selfie-stick” to help with coverage(Just Leasing was to be filmed on my phone camera, you see).

A few hours into filming, I locked my phone into place on a cheap tripod that is built for such a purpose. The mount simultaneously pressed and held 3 buttons on the side of my phone that led to a full system reset. Not only did I lose all my contacts and settings, but the footage was immediately washed.

It gets worse.

We came close to shooting the scenes over, but doubt entered the minds of the actors, perhaps with good reason – there was an arguably noticeable error in logic for a crucial scene, and tinkering with it affects the rest of the episode.

A long enough discussion led to an inevitable decision to postpone filming until a later date. We broke for lunch at a local taco shop. I brought in my laptop to show Jordan and Catrina, who are also involved in Cheaters Prosper, some of the scenes.

I store the footage on an external, 3 terabyte hard drive that attaches to my computer by a USB chord. When I finally found a particular scene I wanted to show, the external hard drive fell off the table and smacked a metal piece beside my seat, breaking it instantly. I am no longer able to access the hard drive, and it makes a clicking sound when I plug it in.

I can’t tell you how upset I am. I can’t even pinpoint what I am most upset about. The good news is, even if the data from my brand new $139 hard drive is irretrievable, we will only have lost about 5 pages of film, as my brother and friend still have saved copies of the remaining footage.

I don’t believe in blind persistence. I don’t believe in trying to make something work that cannot, nor do I believe in trying to do something you are incapable of doing. I do not like to waste time. I do not like to lose.

But when I deem a pursuit worthy of fighting for, I fucking fight.

So what is the lesson learned today? What is the meaning of all this?

The lesson is simple. Today was a shitty day. Bad things happened. For Spiritual reasons? For failing to be more conscious of sensitive equipment? For no reason?

You will never learn by focusing the factors that led to failure. If you want to be a critic, a hater, or another captain hindsight, go ahead and focus on the aspects of things that influence demise. But in order to find success, you must keep your eyes the actions that breed it.

Verizon saves texts message conversations in cloud storage, and I was able to retrieve the phone numbers of every person I’ve conversed with over the last 90 days. That is sufficient to store the numbers of every person whom I consider an essential part of my life.

There are specialists who have the technology to retrieve data from damaged hard drives. For an external one such as my own, the customer must pay a pretty penny ($500 is a good estimate). Perhaps the company that manufactured my hard drive may be able to help me for a nominal fee.

Or, we could always re-shoot. The actors have their lines down pat, and the only difficulty would be getting the actors to do the 4-5 hour shoot all over again. It would move faster than before thanks to having gone through it once already.

I guess my point is this – you can’t just fold once things go wrong. You can’t allow harsh critiques of your work to convince you’re not cut out for writing. When things go wrong, you must seek out ways to fix them. Errors happen, and they’re part of any game.

I’m afraid to take my next step forward, but in the walk of life the only other option is to retreat. I’m not going to retreat, and I’m not going to stop. I’m going to run until I reach that Goddamn finish line, and if I have to crawl by the time I get there, so be it.

• Thomas M. Watt

Unsweet Thoughts

To love for some is just pretend,

to love for some is a fond friend.

To love for some means happy ends,

to love for some means heartbreaks mend.

But to others love does mean,

a short rushed feeling the length of dreams.

When your eyes open again, there you are alone in bed.

Alone again just like before, eyes wide open with one new shut door.

You toss and turn to fall asleep,

but when you do the dream’s not sweet.

It has turned into a nightmare,

thoughts of once sweet things now fright you.

To love for some means happy thoughts,

but to others means future sleeps loss.

– Thomas M. Watt

Various thoughts that fit Together in my Untamed Mind

Pretty girl, sitting there, gazing wide, looking fair.

I know you see it, I do too, the art from God, the voice of truth.

The problem is, you know it’s true, we’ve come from heaven with work to do.

I know my calling, know it fine, called to live my life divine.

By God who judges, He who speaks, the One who whispers my heart to sleep.

I know you want it, want it bad, knowledge of this so makes me sad.

For it’s not quite me of which you want, nor my heart, nor my cock.

But you want the dwelling bruise, the heart that aches, the lasting blues.

I’ll say it simply for some ears – the truth hurts me, the truth you fear.

For when she longs and so “Wants you,” all she wants is the pursuit.

Give her mystery, give her myth, a taste of wrong, a hint of bliss.

Her one true goal is to have you chained, but once she does, you’ve lost the game.

– Thomas M. Watt

Feel It Tear

Pain inside is justified,

loss of much always resides,

on the bottom,

feeling grim,

trying hard to rise and win.

So much loss too much to take,

feel my days fall down like rain.

Every time I see that tumble every time I look I crumble.

Cannot watch this sport I played,

cannot enjoy a single day,

feel so much rage in me can’t feel your touch it’s too much sting.

Why oh why oh why oh God, tried so hard and feel so scorned. Not one can see the things I do, not one can bring my arm from ruin.

Let me breath and blink and smile, let me enjoy this cough a while.

I will get up I will go on I will still try to sing good songs.

Just take this wind and fly with me, take me through these painful springs.

Let me ignore the past I hate, let me go on this life of fate.

Raise me up to blue skies please, don’t let me lose to hands of thieves.

– Thomas M. Watt

(Illustration by Ayse Juaneda, the greatest artist in the world. Visit her blog for more incredible artwork – http://aysejuaneda.wordpress.com/

The Dream is free but the Pain cost a Lifetime

Painful brush strokes imagination, is this talent or procrastination.

See the fault of others true, cannot judge my own work too.

Painful headaches modest scoff, writing words or losing thoughts.

What’s the point of point of view, when you’re the biggest fan for you.

So damn subjective so many accuse, I’m wasting time to feel the blues.

One more edit, maybe two, after that I think I’m through.

Have persisted through so much, have not yet made a single buck.

How does that one sad story go, the one where reality is always cold?

Well oh well I guess that’s it, I hope my talent is not too stink.

– Thomas M. Watt

Voice of God

When all is painful, all hope lost.

Thoughts of anguish, treasures naught,

Too far away from prizes known, too angry from the endless woes.

When you are caught up in the web, when the demons reach your head,

When you feel angry, tired confused,

When you see darkness and nothing’s new.

When eyes won’t close and mind won’t rest,

Heart in pain from life’s long test,

There comes a voice who speaks for free,

There comes a peace that lets you be.

Sometimes He’s speaking through your prayers,

Sometimes another leads you there.

Nothing brings more love and action,

Nothing beats another’s compassion.

In those times when you are down,

Take a good look all around.

For when trouble starts to ache,

When too much pain is sent your way,

Few will turn and offer love,

Few will care for all your woes.

But there is a time or two,

When those of God come speak to you,

You will hear His voice through them,

Those of God are saving friends.

And in the end when you come to,

Heaven’s Kingdom and take the stool,

The Lord above will speak to thee,

And will say to you “My child please,

Relax now that world is gone,

Problems ended, worries scorned.

I heard your prayers, and you asked why,

I gave you problems all the time.

To let you suffer, so confused, and all the while still reach you,

Well my child now you see,

From your problems you sought me,

Look around if you still don’t know,

Not one who made it didn’t have woes.”

– Thomas M. Watt

Time to lay to Rest

Time to go to bed,

Time to hit the head.

Time to slow the thoughts,

Time to drown the loss.

Time to ignore what’s known,

Time to silence and dream,

Time to enter realms unknown and all spirits unseen.

Time will make it better, time it always will.

Time will clean up unclean thoughts and what they do to you.

Time will make today erased and tomorrow shine,

Time will make the past decay and bring about more time.

Time not lost and yet unknown,

Time is ripe to see.

Time to mettle in your thoughts and think them in your sleep.

Time to rest your eyes to close, time to dwell in soul.

Time to hear the God that’s there and speaks what’s too unfold.

Time to worry dearly, time to heart it best,

Time to listen to me, it’s time to lay to rest.

– Thomas M. Watt