McWatt News Alert – Aug. 19th

At this hour – Wattie nation is in serious peril. McWatty9 is struggling for views, lacking visitors, and many are wondering if their once great leader can possibly come out of his ever plunging decline at the world polls. He’s left many friendly comments, read a great many articles, and received practically no feedback, likes or visits for all his strenuous efforts.

On a single positive note, McWatt news team has confirmed that Matt Mullenweg indeed liked one of McWatty9’s earlier postings. Matt Mullenweg, of course, is a surfing legend and timezone operator in the universe that is WordPress. We will bring you more updates as soon as we have them, but as for now, McWatty9 is heading towards catastrophe. The streets outside our news tower are filled with bloggers chanting for his impeachment, and several Watties have even politely requested an early resignation. To keep up with the latest, stay tuned to McWatt News, where the post are always bold.

Press Briefing – August 18, 2013

(Reporters murmuring to one another about the current state of McWatty9, wondering what is to come. The tone is worry, the feel is scared, and the state of the Watties is, in every way, uneasy. McWatty9 walks through the red curtain, and the moment he does, silence ensues. He approached with his head down and lips pinned together, with hands clasped somewhere behind his lower back. He address the Wattie nation from behind the big black microphone and the cherry wood podium)

McWatty9 – Hello my fellow Watties. As you may well know, the past two days have been dismal, to say the least. Yesterday, I failed to put forward a single post. Today, I have put together two posts, both of which I believe are exceptionally mediocre. I am sad to stay that the state of this once decent nation has been dipping at the World Polls steadily over the last couple of days.

(The reporters all whisper to one another quickly, before stopping as soon as McWatty9 continues)

McWatty9 – However, it should not go unnoticed that we have also made some significant strides over the course of the last week. We have developed a small following in the great nation of Austrailia, who support our notion to end Foster’s brewery. We have received daily visits from the United Kingdom, and I had the pleasure of speaking with King Everything Iz Great this morning, who informed me that he and his kingdom will be there to support me no matter what, and are still thinking of me daily in there morning hand-holding embracement.

We received a visit from Sweden, and, more importantly than anything on the world wide web, I had the pleasure of meeting an unbelievably attractive native of Denmark in real life. She sat beside me on the plane flight, was stunning, absolutely beautiful, and had quite possibly the sexiest accent I have ever heard.

(The reporters cheer mildly)

McWatty9 – Also of note, as many of you have been wondering, I am ridiculously excited to say, on August the 19th, the man from India mis-clicked on my blog once more, and we did indeed receive his view.

(The reporters go wild, all breaking out in a unanimous chant of, ‘India! India! India!’ Several beers snap open, some are drenching one another with suds, all are either high-fiving or chest bumping. McWatty9 outstretches both arms to finally calm the festive audience.)

Now then, I would like to get back to the matter of work, but have decided that it is only fair for me to take some questions.

(Many reporters raise their hands, eagerly waving for McWatty9 to call on them.)

McWatty9 – (pointing) Yes, Bill.

Bill – (Standing up) McWatty9, what do you think led to the recent struggles at the world polls?

McWatty9 – Well Bill, I’m glad you asked that. Earlier this week, I published a post entitled ‘Alien Abduction’. It was a terrible post, quite possibly my worst all time, and did little to amuse even the laughiest of viewers.

(Reporters raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Allison.

Allison – (standing up) McWatty9, you’ve published very little humor this week. Care to comment on the recent change in standing?

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, thank you Allison, fair question. Recently, it has come to my attention that much of my humor borders on idiocy. Seeing as how I created this blog in order to get my trilogy published, of which more aptly belongs to the genre of spiritual fantasy, I have taken it upon myself to publish more sophisticated works, in order to gain the attention and praise from the snobs that be in the world of serious writing.

Snobert – (standing up, pushing his glasses closer to his nose) Are you aware there is no current genre with any such title?

McWatty9 – (Dismissively) Yeah whatever Snobert just sit the fuck back down.

(Reporters grow loud, raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Wilma.

Wilma – (Speaking quickly) How has the change of direction gone for you?

McWatty9 – (sighing, playing with the coat tails of his suit coat) Well Wilma, not so good. I received some support from sharplittlepencil, who liked my romantic style postings, and beforehand admitted to spitting on her keyboard from one of my funnier posts.

Bob – (standing and shouting on his own accord) But isn’t it true your serious posts have mainly gone to shit?

McWatty9 – (groaning) Yes Bob, so far they have. But I am proud of them, a couple of others have like them, and your pretty much a jerk so shut up.

(Bob sits back down sadly, more reporters scuffle to raise their hands)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Alejandro.

Alejandro – (Speaking with an Alejandro-esque accent) Monsieur, is it true you have a very large dookie sitting in your toilet bowl, right now?

McWatty9 – (Scratching back of neck) Alejandro, I cannot say I’m glad you asked that, but I guess I can only expect questions like that when I leave the forum wide open for questioning. This morning, around nine A.M. Matt Mulleweg time, I did take a dump, and one very large log in particular came out. It was curved at both ends, and refused to go down the drain upon flushing. Clogging could not help it, for it was never stuck, it just refused to go down. It remains there at this hour, and is an issue me and my staff will be working to fix late into the night, until we get that sucker to go down for good. I debated with myself whether to post this startling information, but at the time I did not, and regret the fact you’ve forced me to reveal such a disgusting, yet impressive, feature of my life. That will be all for the time being.

(McWatty9 steps down from the podium even as reporters continue to shout out random irrelevant questions, mostly pertaining to the size of the log in question. Pictures are taken, funny names for headlines are scribbled, and McWatty9 disappears behind the red curtain in the back of the stage.)

Press Briefing – Aug. 1, 2013

(McWatty9 is standing at the podium, addressing the nation about the day’s early outlook for the world polls. Reporters are ready with notepads, red lights flicker on at the cameras, and the Watties all tune in to hear their blogger speak.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this post briefing on behalf of the McWatt news alert issued earlier this morning. As many of you know, yesterday was a dismal day at the world polls. We struggled for visitors, comments were bleak, and two hours into Matt Mullenweg’s fresh new surf day, we still sat dead at zero views.

I know many were worried about the fate of this blog, and still remain petrified that they have chosen a leader not worthy of their following. Let me assure you, we are turning things around, working around the clock in my mind to think up new posts that will grab your attention and keep you here.

Now, there have been many recent developments as of late, and more specifically, the addition of several hot girls to my following. Hot girls, you see, are not just your average followers. When hot girls decide to read what you write and like it, it is a good indication that you are on the right track.

For, as several of our scientists concluded, hot girls are known as what we call in the blogging industry, ‘Actual Humans’. Do not be misled by the simplicity of the term, actual humans account for roughly two point five lives to that of a blogger.

What does this mean? This means that there shall be more to come. Never in the history of the world have hot girls gone to a place without attracting others. In fact, it has come to my attention that the only opinions that ever matter to me, are in fact the opinions of hot girls.

Furthermore, we have already received visits from such nations as Australia and Switzerland, just to name a few. I know many are still wondering if that one guy from India who mis-clicked his way here has yet to return, and I regret to inform you that he still hasn’t.

And so, on behalf of Thomas M. Watt, I am pleased to inform you that tides are shifting, and we are once again heading in the right direction. I would like to personally thank all of the hot girls who have recently visited my site, for in viewing your profile pictures I am overwhelmed with great appreciation.

That is all for now, I hope I have gained some of your likes back, but if not, I will still continue to labor intensely and bring this great blog back to what it once was. That is all for now, thank you.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, then ignores the barrage of questions as he promptly disappears behind a curtain around the back. Cameras continue to flash even a short while after.)

WordPress

Dear WordPress,

I know we just met. I really do. But it’s been three days now, and I’m beginning to feel like we’re on a different page. I have no friends, only one comment, and every time I try to search for friends, you bring me to some ‘Matt’ guy who likes to surf and already has about fifty friend request from me.

I’ve given you many posts, I have, I have, but haven’t received a shred of feedback. I’m essentially posting blogs for myself to read.

Went to ‘Public Works’ page earlier today. They seemed like a good friend to make. A good connection. But you wouldn’t let me post a comment. You hid the button from me, wordpress, why did you do that?

And then, when I sought out small profiles so that I could connect with human beings, you showed me to a page called ‘Gravatar’. First off, they look nothing like aliens, second off, gravator makes me feel pressured to dress up like an alien for my profile picture. I just want a normal picture, wordpress, just a ‘Picture of yourself’ would have been great.

Well, back to exiting my blog, and waiting for friends and followers… Though I know nobody is coming, and I have spent so much time already trying to get others to come. But you suck, WordPress, because you make it so hard to do the things I try to do.

You suck,

Thomas M. Watt