McWatt News Alert – Aug. 19th

At this hour – Wattie nation is in serious peril. McWatty9 is struggling for views, lacking visitors, and many are wondering if their once great leader can possibly come out of his ever plunging decline at the world polls. He’s left many friendly comments, read a great many articles, and received practically no feedback, likes or visits for all his strenuous efforts.

On a single positive note, McWatt news team has confirmed that Matt Mullenweg indeed liked one of McWatty9’s earlier postings. Matt Mullenweg, of course, is a surfing legend and timezone operator in the universe that is WordPress. We will bring you more updates as soon as we have them, but as for now, McWatty9 is heading towards catastrophe. The streets outside our news tower are filled with bloggers chanting for his impeachment, and several Watties have even politely requested an early resignation. To keep up with the latest, stay tuned to McWatt News, where the post are always bold.

Press Briefing – Aug. 1, 2013

(McWatty9 is standing at the podium, addressing the nation about the day’s early outlook for the world polls. Reporters are ready with notepads, red lights flicker on at the cameras, and the Watties all tune in to hear their blogger speak.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this post briefing on behalf of the McWatt news alert issued earlier this morning. As many of you know, yesterday was a dismal day at the world polls. We struggled for visitors, comments were bleak, and two hours into Matt Mullenweg’s fresh new surf day, we still sat dead at zero views.

I know many were worried about the fate of this blog, and still remain petrified that they have chosen a leader not worthy of their following. Let me assure you, we are turning things around, working around the clock in my mind to think up new posts that will grab your attention and keep you here.

Now, there have been many recent developments as of late, and more specifically, the addition of several hot girls to my following. Hot girls, you see, are not just your average followers. When hot girls decide to read what you write and like it, it is a good indication that you are on the right track.

For, as several of our scientists concluded, hot girls are known as what we call in the blogging industry, ‘Actual Humans’. Do not be misled by the simplicity of the term, actual humans account for roughly two point five lives to that of a blogger.

What does this mean? This means that there shall be more to come. Never in the history of the world have hot girls gone to a place without attracting others. In fact, it has come to my attention that the only opinions that ever matter to me, are in fact the opinions of hot girls.

Furthermore, we have already received visits from such nations as Australia and Switzerland, just to name a few. I know many are still wondering if that one guy from India who mis-clicked his way here has yet to return, and I regret to inform you that he still hasn’t.

And so, on behalf of Thomas M. Watt, I am pleased to inform you that tides are shifting, and we are once again heading in the right direction. I would like to personally thank all of the hot girls who have recently visited my site, for in viewing your profile pictures I am overwhelmed with great appreciation.

That is all for now, I hope I have gained some of your likes back, but if not, I will still continue to labor intensely and bring this great blog back to what it once was. That is all for now, thank you.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, then ignores the barrage of questions as he promptly disappears behind a curtain around the back. Cameras continue to flash even a short while after.)