Sunshine Blogger Award

sunshine-award1-e1437661732383

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, I have been nominated for not one, but TWO sunshine blogger awards. Many thanks to both lovely ladies, Jennifer Calvert and Karina Pinella. I have received a grand total of sixteen questions to answer. Due to my smart-ass nature, I’ve elected to answer them in a press conference format, along with two of my other personalities. Make sure to read through to the bottom, because I’ve nominated 5 others for the award along with my own list of questions. Without further ado, I bring you the joint press conference.

  • * *

Three candidates take the stage simultaneously. Standing at the podium on the right is Thomas M. Watt, who takes a sip from his bottled water then adjusts his microphone. The middle podium belongs to McWatty9, whose devilish smile and fiery eyes are enough to prompt any parents to put their children to bed early. Hunching over the third podium and breathing with his mouth open is Henry Huerto, and it appears he forgot to brush some potato chip remnants off his t-shirt.

“Any a you idiots got a question?” says McWatty9.

Most journalists lower their hands and take up their pens. A woman in a purple blouse speaks up.

“Who are your favorite published authors?” she asks.

“Great question,” says Thomas. “I’ve always enjoyed anything written by John Steinbeck, but some of his work stirs me emotionally, particularly East of Eden. I tend to shy away from anything that hits too close to home, so I’ve never been able to finish that book. Right now I’m really into Vince Gilligan-”

“Lady asked about published authors dipshit, not television writers,” says McWatty9.

Thomas nods. “Yes, I’m aware. Thing is, his shows include so many awesome plot twists and feature strong, dynamic characters. I really enjoyed The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo by Steig Larsson, so I guess I should include him, too.”

Man with a hawaiian button-down shoots up from his seat. “What did you want to grow up to accomplish in your life?”  Other journalist raise their eyebrows at him. He gradually sits back down.

“A lot,” says Henry Huerto. “But you know, I didn’t do any of it. I guess I’m just a loser…”

You could hear crickets. Every person in the room avoids eye contact with Henry.

“Right, uhh, what are your favorite Movies?” says a journalist.

“The one I made with your mom,” says McWatty9. “And it’s about how we made you-”

“I’ll answer that,” says Thomas, racing to grab his mic.

“‘Cause I boned her,” says McWatty9.

“Favorite movies,” says Thomas. “I’d have to say the Matrix tops my list. The moment when Neo stands up after being shot dead inspires me every time. I watched Silence of the Lambs recently, that was an incredible body of work. Also enjoyed se7en, especially the ending – it’s funny how much of an impact the ending of a film has on your overall impression of the movie.”

“If you got to choose your last meal in life, what would it be?” asks a reporter.

“Hot cheetos and a gatorade,” says Henry.

“You a teenage girl?” says McWatty9.

“No… that just sounds good right now.”

“Ya know where the Brooklyn bridge’s at?”

“Yea,” says Henry.

“Good. Go there and Jump off it.”

“Next question,” says Thomas.

An eight year old girl wearing a backpack stands up. “What is your favorite… temperature?”

McWatty9 jumps to respond: “Eighteen hundred degrees.”

Room falls silent.

“Why?” asks Thomas.

“Because that’s the temperature I’m gonna have Henry cremated at.”

“Introvert or Extrovert?” asks a journalist.

Thomas answers. “Introvert, for sure. I like people, but I feel the majority of social gatherings are pointless and irrelevant. People respond to you better when you’re successful anyway, so I’d rather pour my time into whatever skill I’m currently trying to develop. Currently that’s writing… besides, no matter what group of people I spend time with, they inevitably begin bashing some other person who doesn’t conform to their group. I genuinely hate that, and the more I open my mouth I discover I’m a disagreeable person. My mind is always working toward fixing some kind of problem. Interactive, or extroverted people put a lot of time and effort into their relationships. I put mine into stories.”

Media members nod.

“What are your favorite past times?” asks a young women with a low-cut top.

“You,” says McWatty9.

Thomas clears his throat. “If I’m going to be honest, I have to say I don’t care much for any hobbies or endeavors that don’t bring me closer to my long-term goals. I have an obsessive, addictive personality, and don’t live anything close to a balanced life… So I have to say none.”

“What about yourself would you change, if you could?”

Henry grabs his mic. “Self doubt, paranoia, overthinking. Emotions get the better of me. I hate myself.”

An unsettling silence comes over the crowd.

“Brooklyn bridge,” says McWatty9, through a cough.

“What scares you the most?”

Thomas answers. “I hate spiders.”

“Bet ya like turtles,” says McWatty9.

Another journalists stands. “Why do you blog?”

“I like to see the responses I get to my stories. It’s a free way to get feedback, and an easy way to tell whether I’m putting out quality work. For a long time, people only seemed to enjoy the poems I would post. My short stories have only recently began to entertain my followers, and I’m really thrilled about that… for a long time, I couldn’t pay people to read my work.”

Guy with a rasta cap shouts: “Who is your favorite musician?”

Thomas says, “Currently I alternate between Eminem and Coldplay. Chris Martin is a genius, but I have mad respect for Eminem, especially because I relate to his struggle to make something of himself. He faced a lot of adversity and didn’t have much support. I should add that Ocean by John Butler Trio is the most beautiful song in the world.”

“How do you feel about awards?” says a teenager with zits.

“Same as I feel ’bout you,” says McWatty9.

“What is your favorite dessert?” says a big guy with a mustache.

“Um, I kind of like good and plenty,” says Henry. “I don’t know, those sound good right now… Does anybody have some I could share?”

Crickets.

“What makes your world rock?” says the young woman with the low-cut top. She bites the end of her pen.

“Dreams of the future,” says Thomas. “That always beats my current reality.”

“Waddup,” says the guy with the rasta cap. “Favorite music?”

Thomas grins and answers: “Similar to my taste for cinema and novels. When something is well written, it speaks to you. I don’t limit myself to any one genre, I’m more a fan of the individual artist.”

“How important is it to you to be a famous writer?” blurts out a father.

“I’m happy just to write,” says Thomas, before scratching the back of his head, then biting his lips. “Actually, it’s everything to me. That’s what I want to do with my life.”

The moderator walks out onto the stage, and claps his hands. “Ok folks, thank you all for joining us. That’ll be the end of the questions, so… get the hell out!”

  • * *

Now for my 5 nominees, and my ten questions. If you are nominated, you have to answer these… your wordpress contract obligates you under penalty of prison time, in case you never read the small print when you signed up. My nominees are:

  1. Storytime with John – Kid’s a natural. He’s up there with A Opinionated Man (see below).
  2. Ben Myatt – Writes bad ass characters, though his latest post has me concerned.
  3. Kevin Cooper – Ally of indie authors everywhere, great person and writer of the Miedo series.
  4. A Opinionated Man – King of internet blogs, far too big to bother with this.
  5. Ray M. Meadows – Fantastic writer and confrontational twitter-er

And the questions I have for you:

  1. If you could instantly learn any one skill set (i.e. fly a plane, fix an engine, surf), what would it be?
  2. It’s a beautiful, bright sunny day. What are your plans?
  3. Neighbor’s dog defecates right outside your front door. How do you respond?
  4. You just won the lottery. What’s the first thing you do?
  5. What do you think of these questions so far?
  6. I disagree. State something that most people consider completely normal that always feels bizarre to you.
  7. Zombie apocalypse – Which personality are you in your group of survivors?
  8. Do you regret accepting this award?
  9. Why do you blog?
  10. Any current projects you’re working on you’d care to share?

Thank you again to Jennifer and Karina for the nominations, and congratulations to those whom I nominated! I’ll be back blogging a new short story soon.

  • Thomas M. Watt

A Day in the Life

Waddup everyone.

Haven’t been on here much, as you can tell my last few post have been posted infrequently.

Getting back into writing, as my former profession has all but come to an end.

I’m interested in a job in the entertainment industry – ideally as a writer, but being an actor would be cool as well. I was just offered $1000 to do a modeling gig, but it didn’t specify whether or not ‘getting raped’ is required. I found the job on craigslist, after all.

Anyway, I’d like to get in the habit of publishing short, 10,000 word stories on Amazon. It seems like a good way to build a following, and also an easy avenue to get my work out there.

The short story I’m currently working on is about a man named Phillip who begins to get a regular visitor in his dreams. This visitor tells Phillip about future events in his life, and uses fear to control Phillip to the point where he becomes no more than a puppet. Phillip races to find the strange man, discover how he has access to his dreams, and justify his own actions before he is placed behind bars.

I’ll keep you updated on my progress – already 1500 words in.

  • Thomas

McWatty9 Wins Liebster Blog Award

Image

That’s right folks, I won an award. In case you didn’t know, Liebster is a word some humans use somewhere. I am grateful to be nominated by miss Alex, you can visit her blog here –http://thebewildered20somethingwriter.wordpress.com

In receiving this nomination, I must nominate several other bloggers and throw my own questions at them. I will post that later. But for now, I am on the spot, answering Alex’s questions. Big breath. Here we go –

What inspired you to start writing/blogging?

  • Well let me start out by saying I’m extremely nervous right now and can’t quite think clearly. I feel so on the spot and I know I’m making a fool of myself but the thoughts are coming fast and the hands keep typing them. Ok. Blogging? Well I wrote a book but I didn’t know any other humans so I felt a blog would be a good place to meet them. Along with humans, I am told fellow writers come here, too. Do you think I’m going to sound stupid when this gets posted?

If you could shrink any animal–real or mythical–so that it was pocket sized, what animal would you shrink and keep as a pet?

  • Well first off, Alex, thanks for easing the tension. Not. But in answering your question, following that comma back there is the rest of this sentence. I would shrink a… I would… Shrink… dog?

Name three guilty pleasure books and/or movies that you’re sorry you’re not sorry you like (say that three times fast).

  • So sorry not sor- wait. So sorry you’re not sorry I’m not – wait… shoot… Okay, so sorry I’m not your sorry I mean you’re… DAMN! Ok. Three guilty pleasure movies I’ve seen? Hmm…. I love Macgruber. I think it is the funniest movie I have ever seen and nobody else even likes it. Saw Jack Reacher the other day after hearing everybody whine about Tom Cruise being in it. Sorry, but that movie was awesome. Went out and bought one of the books in the series. Lee Child’s the man, by the way. Go check him out! Third? Hmm. Third. I really like… I… like… Umm… The Notebook. Why? Because when you’re asked by a girl if you have a guilty pleasure and you don’t say The Notebook you are an idiot.

If you could change your name to anything, what would you change it to?

  • Anything but Aaron, because Aaron is a girls name.

What inspires you creatively, i.e., what gets your creative juices pumping again when you’re in a bit of a slump?

  • I bash my fist into my head as hard as I can. It’s like magic.

If you knew you only had one hour before the zombie apocalypse, what would you do?

  • Cover my face with dirt then start walking with my arms straight out as I mumble, “Need… to eat… brains.”

Name the weirdest/funniest/coolest/most memorable/etc. dream you’ve had.

  • Oh, c’mon! Obviously a sex dream. Should I go into detail?

What advice would you give your six-year-old self?

  • You might as well give up. It’s never gonna happen.

What are the five things that make you the happiest?

  • I like toitles.

Star Wars or Star Trek?

  • Star Wars VS. Star Trek, when they finally sack up and make it happen.

Well, that’s it folks. I would bow right now, but I’m not going to. Why? Well I don’t know why, I thought all the questions were done with.

Thanks again Alex, hope after reading this you’re not ashamed you picked me. For the rest of you, watch out, I’m going to be posting my own nominations and questions later today.

– Thomas M. Watt

Press Briefing – Sept. 24th

(Reporters are all sleeping, Snobert and Bill are chuckling together, and Aaron enters wearing a loin cloth with a mullet and a jackhammer. McWatty9 enters from behind red curtain wearing nothing but swim trunks. He stands before the podium)

McWatty9 – Hello Wattie nation, greetings to you all. Let me start out with a sincere apology for my recent lack-of-post, and lack of quality posts.

I sincerely apologize.

There, now that that’s out of the way, let me inform you as to why I have been absent – Way of the World. It is the first book in my trilogy, and I have to have it prepared for a big-time writers conference this weekend. I’ve had business cards made, and I’m presently working around the clock to get my website looking spic-and-spam. I’ve been doing two paintings a day, all of which I PROMISE you are better than that garbage I posted earlier today. I need the oils to dry before I can scan them, however. So, after this weekend, I fully intend on tearing-shit-up on this blog once again, and may even be linking this blog with my website. Any questions?

Bill – Yeah, uhh, that painting you posted today?

McWatty9 – Yes, Michael enters Gnashing. What about it?

Bill – Yeah I just wanted you to know we all thought it was crap.

McWatty9 – (Head down) Thanks…

(Bill and Snobert high five)

Snobert – Hey McWatty9!

McWatty9 – Yeah?

Snobert – Suck-it!

McWatty – Great. Anyone else?

(Aaron, wearing a loincloth and a mullet, with a jackhammer clasped in his hands, stands up)

McWatty9 – Yeah, Aaron, what’dya got for me?

(Aaron starts jackhammering)

McWatty9 – Aaron!

Aaron – What?

McWatty9 – (Scratching head until Aaron finally turns jackhammer off) You mad or something?

Aaron – It’s ok I’m used to be cheated on.

McWatty9 – What, because I’ve been painting rather than blogging?

Aaron – Dude I’m joking I wouldn’t get mad about that, what am I a fourteen year old girl?

McWatty9 – Oh okay, gotcha.

Aaron – What, did I just go through an emotionally traumatic event?

McWatty9 – …not that I’m aware of.

Aaron – Did my dog just die?

McWatty9 – No, I get it.

Aaron – If Earth and Venus were touching and they were covered in a forest that’s how big and hairy my balls are now stop worrying about my feelings GFYS!

McWatty9 – Well-

Aaron – Because they’re so massive all I have feelings for is when I’m going to eat the next steak, do work, and crush pussy GFYS!

McWatty9 – (pressing hands out) Alright, okay. Settle down. I-

Aaron – Now excuse me while I go blowdry my large sweaty balls while I listen to heavy metal. It shouldn’t take but a few hours.

(Aaron leaves, loud blow dryer can be heard immediately after door to press room closes)

McWatty9 – Alright, well… that about wraps it up. Sorry if I’ve disappointed any of you, I hope to have some better news for you all next time.

(McWatty9 exits stage, reporters all boo, Snobert and Bill throw tomatoes and a yellow pepper at him)

Press Briefing – Sept. 19th

(Reporters all checking their watches. McWatty9 has been very much delayed. The news is the once relentless leader is calling it a career. His posts have ceased to be as frequent as usual, and are currently bordering on occasional, at best. Bill and Snobert are snickering together, sharing nibbles of the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Aaron is wearing a nice suit again, with the same pair of white underwear banded tightly over his head. McWatty9 exits from behind the red curtain, wearing a plain orange tee-shirt, denim jeans, and boater shoes. He stands before the podium.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen of Wattie Nation, I’m pleased to inform you this kingdom has not yet ceased to expand. We are growing in popularity each and everyday, racking up new followers by the post. I’ve been posting a lot of poetry as of late, and it is beginning to garner me critical acclaim. Not only that, but I’m beginning to get contacted by outside publications in order to post for them, a feat I am very much proud of. I have also formed a friendship with Ayse Juaneda, the greatest artist in the world, and I’m super stoked about that. Sharplittlepencil has apparently left us, as I haven’t heard from our strongest supporter in some time now. And I spoke to president Everything Iz Great just a few minutes ago, who was pleased to inform me that his servants are super duper happy for me. Now then, the floor is open for questioning.

Bill – (Shooting out from his chair) McWatty9, remember the time I warned you saying you wouldn’t be able to post ten times a day? Remember remember? Well you said you would, and now you’re not!

McWatty9 –  (Lowering head) Yes, yes. Bill, I’m reluctant to say you are right. I’ve been very busy editing my book and dealing with some personal issues, but still, this is no excuse for not providing my followers with an adequate number of post.

Bill – Suck-it, McWatty9!! (BIll sits down, shares a loud high five with Snobert)

McWatty9 – (Sighing) Alright, anything else?

Aaron – (Flipping underwear band up and out the way of his eyes, doesn’t bother to stand in order to ask question) McWatty9, how would you like to go to a bonfire tomorrow night?

McWatty9 – (Fist pumps) Yeah, that sounds great! I would love that!

Aaron – Great! Just grab a date and meet me there.

McWatty9 – (Pressing buttons in cellphone) Alright! Sweet! I’m stoked, just hold on one second… and… alright… wait for it… sweet! This awesome chick I know said she’d be down!

Aaron – Yeah?

McWatty9 – Yeah man! Thanks for inviting me. Who’s your date?

Aaron – Oh I don’t have one. But see if you can grab another one.

McWatty9 – …Are you kidding?

Aaron – No. (Munches on giant cheeseburger, speaks while chewing) Go on though. (More chewing) See how many people you can get. I want this to be a big deal.

McWatty9 – (Frowning slightly) Alright. Well, thanks everyone for coming. We’ll be in touch… I guess. (Begins to walk away from podium)

Snobert – Hey Mcwatty9!

McWatty9 – (Turning glumly) Yeah?

Snobert – SUCK IT!

McWatty9 – (Nods weakly, drags his feet, disappears behind red curtain)

Press Briefing – Sept. 2nd, 2013

(The reporters are all sipping on capri-suns and talking about how good the fruit punch flavor is. Several of them are eating lunchables, happily digesting bologna on crackers. The mood is light and hearty, until Bill whips out a pouch of gushers. Many of the other reporters get upset that he only shares with Snobert, who sits at his side. A new reporter enters the room, named Aaron, and catches the eye of most everyone else, as for some unknown reason Aaron is wearing whitey-tighties over his head. He has a nice suit on underneath, however. McWatty9 enters from behind the red curtain, stands behind the podium in order to address Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, people of the wordpress, I am happy  to inform you that my nation is expanding. We’ve taken in friends from countries all over the world, and have received visits from many countries I have never even heard of. I’m very excited about all this, but to say I’m not somewhat nervous would be a lie. As it stands, we’ve taken in one-hundred and twenty two followers. We have over a thousand views, and so many likes I feel super duper cool. I don’t have too much to say, other than I’m saddened by the recent drop in support from Sharplittlepencil, and very distraught by several former followers who have left us. For Sharplittlepencil, I’m setting up signs around the neighborhood that say, ‘Have you seen this blogger?’ And I am posting a picture of a woman with a pencil tucked over her ear. As for the followers who have left us, I have been flying around the world, finding out where they live, and throwing bricks into their windows at night. It is a very scary thing to do, and sends messages like, ‘Watch out for that brick that just flew through your window.’ Now then, the forum is open for questions.

Bill – (raises hand, finishes chewing up his delicious gushers, swallows down five at once, poses question) McWatty9, many of your original supporters are somewhat confused by the recent change in style. You’ve written more than a few post about God, which some of us don’t really want to hear, and you’ve become much more of a poet than a humorist. What is the reasoning for your recent change in style?

(McWatty9 nods, points finger confidently) Excellent question Bill. I’ve found that I enjoy putting poetry together, for the rhymes come quite easy for me. As far as God goes, I pretty much rely on Him for everything, and so I’m not about to deny that just to appease a few folk. Only a short while ago, I posted a short script about me hanging out with the Kardashian family. Shortly afterward, I published a post about me being on the bachelor. I don’t really know what happened, but the bachelor post bombed, and I just felt very sick about the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if my humor is simply to childish and idiotic for others beside myself to enjoy. So in short, suck-it Bill.

Snober – (shouting back instantly) Many of your new supporters are not familiar with just how arrogant and profane you can be. Does it bother you too know that as your following grows you can no longer get away with such statements as ‘Suck-it’? It is a rude, classless thing to say, and I for one am always disgusted to hear you say such crude things. I liked the post about the horses, why not just stick with things of this nature?

(McWatty9 squints his eyes) Snobert, I think I’m speaking for everyone else here when I say, from the bottom of my heart, suck-it.

(Snobert appears outstandingly offended, then becomes really really sad, and then embraces Bill with a back-patting hug)

McWatty9 – Anyone else?

(Aaron, the new reporter in the back, with the fine-looking suit and whitey-tighties over his head, raises his hand)

McWatty9 – Yes, Aaron?

Aaron – Recently you’ve begun to post your quest for ’30 days of listening’. Yesterday, on day three, you neglected to continue this thread. Are you already finished listening? Don’t you realized the key to a good blog is all about consistency?

McWatty9 – Yes Aaron, thanks for asking. Yesterday, I did in fact fail to publish a post in continuance of my thirty days of listening. I didn’t have any in-depth conversations with anyone new, and I was simply too tired to write one up. I did expect to post two today, and label them ‘Day 3’ and ‘Day 4’ but now you’ve gone and ruined that. I shall do it anyways, I suppose.

Aaron – And another thing – in your recent air-strikes against enemy blogs, you’ve failed to be as aggressive as you should. You waste your bombs, you fly like shit, and you’re simply not very good.

McWatty9 – (Appearing greatly distressed) You know what Aaron, I don’t think anybody reading this will actually understand what any of that means. You are always so negative and so love to tell me what I do wrong. For that, I say unto you, suck-it Aaron.

(Aaron drops head, looks very sad)

McWatty9 – In summary, I am new to having an actual readership, and will do my best to bring my nation good content, while at the same time remaining true to myself and whatever ideas come to me. I am actively looking for more format, and specifically looking to give you all something to look forward to when you read my post. Consistency, I suppose. I am hoping to start up a short-story Sunday, and plan to form a routine something like poems in the morning, actual writing mid-day, and humor at night. These ideas are in the works, and I promise you the neurons in my brain are working overtime to create such a format on this blog. Thank you all for being part of Wattie nation, Aaron can suck-it, and I hope to bring you more quality content in the days and hours to come. Thank you for supporting this ever growing nation. Peace, I’m out.

(McWatty9 walks back behind red curtain, reporters all nod their heads and return to eating, several start a food fight, Aaron gets hit in the eye by a bite-size brownie and begins to cry)

McWatty9: The Bachelor

Image

Int. – Big room filled with beautiful woman in ankle length dresses, high heels, and perfect smiles. McWatty9 looking ruggishly handsome in a sweet suit that cost upwards of fifty million dollars.

MCWATTY9

Hello ladies. As many of you may have guessed, I am looking for one of you to wed. All my life I’ve been dating beautiful woman, but could never quite find the right match. Then one day I thought – why not? What better place to meet your future wife then a reality show where it’s already predetermined you’re going to pop the question to a woman you  haven’t even met yet?

Cut to the chase – Ext. – scenic view. McWatty9 is out on a date with Tina. They are drinking mimosas and smiling the successful kind of way. Both are staring into each others eyes and in the far background, waves can be seen breaking on the shore, palm tree branches are swept up by the wind, and a gardener is picking up dog shit in the corner of the screen.

MCWATTY9

Melanie, I can’t get over how beautiful your eyes look. They’re so blue, like the ocean, or… waves in the ocean.

TINA

(Placing hand over McWatty9’s hand, still smiling succesfully) McWatty9, that’s so sweet! But I’m not Melanie, I’m Tina.

McWatty9

(Taken aback) Oh, that’s right. Sorry. How could I forget, Melanie’s got those green eyes that are… so green. Like the grass, or… a front lawn in a country club.

TINA

Aw, McWatty9! (Pressing hands into her chest) You’re so good with words!

Int. – Small room with decorative paintings in the background. McWatty9 sits alone before the camera, discussing his date with Tina. He appears giddy)

MCWATTY9

Man! These chicks love me over here! I’ve never received so much attention in my life! All I do is keep sayin’ shit about the color of their eyes! This is great!

INT. – Fine Resturant. McWatty9 is on a special dinner date with Melanie.

MCWATTY9

Melanie, your eyes are so… beautiful.

MELANIE

McWatty9, all you ever talk about is my eyes. Can we just talk about something else, please?

MCWATTY9

(Scratching back of head) Melanie, your teeth… they’re so, white! White as a… piano key!

MELANIE

(smiling again) Do you really mean that?

(The waitress approaches, she is a very attractive brunette with tattoos down her arm)

WAITRESS

Are you two ready to order?

MCWATTY9

(Looks over menu briefly, slowly raises glance to waitress, from her waist, through her bosom, then back to her waist, then to her face)

You know I’m the bachelor, right?

WAITRESS

Um. Yeah.

MCWATTY9

(Pointing his index finger at the waitress as if it is a gun) In that case, I’ll have you.

WAITRESS

Sir, I’m sorry but I’m not on the menu.

MCWATTY9

You know, you have some of the nicest eyes I’ve ever seen.

WAITRESS

…Thanks.

(Waitress exits)

MELANIE

What the heck?

MCWATTY9

What?

MELANIE

What the hell was that? You just totally hit on her right in front of me!

MCWATTY9

Jeeze, someone’s a little possessive. Guess I know who’s isn’t getting a rose.

INT. – Rose ceremony. All but one rose is left.

MCWATTY9

And the final rose goes to… the waitress!

PRODUCER (off-screen)

Uhh. You have to pick one of the contestants.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping shoulders) Fine. The final rose goes to… whoever wants to sleep with me tonight!

The girls appear angry, disgusted, confused, then, ever so slowly, and one by one, they all gradually raise their hands.

END SCENE

Keeping up with the Kardashians!.. and mcwatty9

ImageSome of you may have already heard, but in case you haven’t, I’ve been invited to be a part of the newest season of ‘Keeping up with the Kardashians’. That’s right, yours truly! Here’s how it went.

Int. – Dining room table – lavishly decorated. The family is all there – McWatty9, Kim, Khloe, Kourtney, Kris, Bruce Jenner, Rob, and the lesser known little boy with a thumb growing out from his forehead that the cameramen always make sure to avoid. Everything seems to be fine, and the family is all cutting and eating steak. Kris turns to McWatty9.

KRIS

McWatty9, how come you never came with us to the beach today?

MCWATTY9

(Putting down fork and knife) Oh, sorry Mrs. Kris. I wanted to go, but I am trying to get my book published, so I really have to get done editing before I can submit it.

KRIS

(Nods, then raises dark eyebrows as she returns to her steak)

MCWATTY9

(Smiles, happy to relieve the tension, returns to his meal as well)

KHLOE

But, don’t you think it’s important for you to spend time with us? I mean, I just feel like you’re spending all day with that novel.

MCWATTY9

(Returning fork and knife to table, chewing down food, wiping clean face with napkin)

Yes, I know, it’s just that I don’t really have any money, and I won’t make a single dollar until I can sell this thing, you know?

KHLOE

(shakes head, returns to steak)

MCWATTY9

(Takes a breath for a moment, has a sip of red wine)

KOURTNEY

Yeah but why is money so important to you? There’s more to life than money, you know. I just feel like it’s important you spend more time with us, is all.

MCWATTY9

(Setting glass of wine back down, smearing lips on T-shirt sleeve) Yeah, I know. It’s true, money isn’t everything. But I’m kind of, like, a little broke right now. So I just need to get a little bit of money first, but as soon as I get some, I promise I’ll spend more time with all you guys.

ROB

(Punching fist into table) Dammit McWatty9, all you ever think about is yourself. (Leaving table, kicks a little dog into the wall on the way out)

KIM

Why can’t you at least try to spend more time with us McWatty9? I mean, at least take a break once in a while.

MCWATTY9

(Smearing the pants of his leg, scratching the back of his head, exhaling into the ball of his fist) Okay, you guys. You do understand that I’m making nothing here, right? I mean, I don’t got shit. Last time I went out with you all, it only took five hours to blow through the rest of my savings. I’m honestly beginning to question if it was even a good idea for me come on your show in the first place.

KRIS

(Grabbing a white napkin in hand, smacking it down into the table) It’s not a show, it’s a family. And if you can’t accept that than maybe it’s better off you leave.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping over his thighs) Look, I’m sorry, alright? I shouldn’t have said that. You guys know I’d love to hang around and talk about my feelings all day, but it’s just a lot harder when you’re broke and nobody else actually cares about your feelings, you know?

KHLOE

Of course we care about your feelings!

MCWATTY9

(Groaning, forcing hands through his hair) Okay, well, maybe you guys do. The problem’s not the feelings so much as the lack of money. Why did Ryan Seacrest throw me on here? You guys spend like, ten thousand dollars a day. In the non-published writing industry, that kind of money is the equivalent of ordering a latte instead of a coffee every morning. It just doesn’t happen.

BRUCE JENNER

You do know I won a gold metal, don’t you?

MCWATTY9

(shaking head) Yeah… why?

BRUCE JENNER

Just making sure.

LITTLE BOY WITH THUMB GROWING OUT FROM HIS FOREHEAD

Mama?

KRIS

(Hurrying to find broomstick, retrieves broomstick, sweeps little boy out of the room) Back to the basement, sweetheart.

KOURTNEY

McWatty9, I think you need to come out with us more. You’ll have a good time, I promise!

(Rest of the family all claps, agrees, then sips wine with smirks on their faces, angling their glances at McWatty9)

MCWATTY9

(Pulling hair out)

Everybody, please try to understand. I don’t have any money. You have lots of money. Unless you want to play monopoly every night while we drink water, I don’t think you want me around.

KHLOE

Don’t be such a bum, McWatty9!

KOURTNEY

Yeah, why can’t you just get a normal job?

MCWATTY9

I just… I really want to do this writing thing. It’s important to me.

KIM

More important than spending time with your new family?

MCWATTY9

No, I don’t mean it that way.

BRUCE JENNER

Hey McWatty.

MCWATTY9

Yeah?

BRUCE JENNER

You know I got a gold metal, don’t you.

MCWATTY9

(Slumping shoulders, sighing)

Okay, look. I have about fifty dollars. I’ll just go spend it all and then plunge into massive debt if that’ll make everybody happy.

KARDASHIAN FAMILY

Yay!!

END SCENE

How to be Great at Everything

Herein lies the secret to being great at everything. It is ten rules, which I call the ‘Ten Pillars to being the Greatest at Everything’.

1.) Never give in to defeat.

2.) Never lose.

3.) Win every time.

4.) If you are close to losing, get up and leave the game immediately. Whip out your phone and pretend the call is very important.

5.) When your partner is about to break up with you, interrupt them and then break up with them instead.

6.) When someone sounds smarter than you, bust out a monocle and place it in your eye. Nod condescendingly, with a single eyebrow lowered.

7.) If someone is bragging about how much they bench press, just add fifteen pounds to whatever they said their ‘max’ was then claim that’s what you rep.

8.) Whenever you go to a dinner party, just walk around like you are the greatest person there. Proceed to scoff appropriately at those less great than you.

9.) Don’t ever accept a loss. There is always an excuse to be made, and you can turn that excuse into a reason you really should have won, even though you didn’t. Chalk these ‘false losses’ up as victories to whomever wants to know.

10.) Learn to run really fast. Part of being the greatest entails many people being jealous of all your victories and subsequently wanting to ‘beat you up’.

Did you know? Every famous rapper alive is actually tied for the coveted position of being the number one greatest rapper in the world.