Press Briefing – Sept. 24th

(Reporters are all sleeping, Snobert and Bill are chuckling together, and Aaron enters wearing a loin cloth with a mullet and a jackhammer. McWatty9 enters from behind red curtain wearing nothing but swim trunks. He stands before the podium)

McWatty9 – Hello Wattie nation, greetings to you all. Let me start out with a sincere apology for my recent lack-of-post, and lack of quality posts.

I sincerely apologize.

There, now that that’s out of the way, let me inform you as to why I have been absent – Way of the World. It is the first book in my trilogy, and I have to have it prepared for a big-time writers conference this weekend. I’ve had business cards made, and I’m presently working around the clock to get my website looking spic-and-spam. I’ve been doing two paintings a day, all of which I PROMISE you are better than that garbage I posted earlier today. I need the oils to dry before I can scan them, however. So, after this weekend, I fully intend on tearing-shit-up on this blog once again, and may even be linking this blog with my website. Any questions?

Bill – Yeah, uhh, that painting you posted today?

McWatty9 – Yes, Michael enters Gnashing. What about it?

Bill – Yeah I just wanted you to know we all thought it was crap.

McWatty9 – (Head down) Thanks…

(Bill and Snobert high five)

Snobert – Hey McWatty9!

McWatty9 – Yeah?

Snobert – Suck-it!

McWatty – Great. Anyone else?

(Aaron, wearing a loincloth and a mullet, with a jackhammer clasped in his hands, stands up)

McWatty9 – Yeah, Aaron, what’dya got for me?

(Aaron starts jackhammering)

McWatty9 – Aaron!

Aaron – What?

McWatty9 – (Scratching head until Aaron finally turns jackhammer off) You mad or something?

Aaron – It’s ok I’m used to be cheated on.

McWatty9 – What, because I’ve been painting rather than blogging?

Aaron – Dude I’m joking I wouldn’t get mad about that, what am I a fourteen year old girl?

McWatty9 – Oh okay, gotcha.

Aaron – What, did I just go through an emotionally traumatic event?

McWatty9 – …not that I’m aware of.

Aaron – Did my dog just die?

McWatty9 – No, I get it.

Aaron – If Earth and Venus were touching and they were covered in a forest that’s how big and hairy my balls are now stop worrying about my feelings GFYS!

McWatty9 – Well-

Aaron – Because they’re so massive all I have feelings for is when I’m going to eat the next steak, do work, and crush pussy GFYS!

McWatty9 – (pressing hands out) Alright, okay. Settle down. I-

Aaron – Now excuse me while I go blowdry my large sweaty balls while I listen to heavy metal. It shouldn’t take but a few hours.

(Aaron leaves, loud blow dryer can be heard immediately after door to press room closes)

McWatty9 – Alright, well… that about wraps it up. Sorry if I’ve disappointed any of you, I hope to have some better news for you all next time.

(McWatty9 exits stage, reporters all boo, Snobert and Bill throw tomatoes and a yellow pepper at him)

Press Briefing – Sept. 19th

(Reporters all checking their watches. McWatty9 has been very much delayed. The news is the once relentless leader is calling it a career. His posts have ceased to be as frequent as usual, and are currently bordering on occasional, at best. Bill and Snobert are snickering together, sharing nibbles of the same peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Aaron is wearing a nice suit again, with the same pair of white underwear banded tightly over his head. McWatty9 exits from behind the red curtain, wearing a plain orange tee-shirt, denim jeans, and boater shoes. He stands before the podium.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen of Wattie Nation, I’m pleased to inform you this kingdom has not yet ceased to expand. We are growing in popularity each and everyday, racking up new followers by the post. I’ve been posting a lot of poetry as of late, and it is beginning to garner me critical acclaim. Not only that, but I’m beginning to get contacted by outside publications in order to post for them, a feat I am very much proud of. I have also formed a friendship with Ayse Juaneda, the greatest artist in the world, and I’m super stoked about that. Sharplittlepencil has apparently left us, as I haven’t heard from our strongest supporter in some time now. And I spoke to president Everything Iz Great just a few minutes ago, who was pleased to inform me that his servants are super duper happy for me. Now then, the floor is open for questioning.

Bill – (Shooting out from his chair) McWatty9, remember the time I warned you saying you wouldn’t be able to post ten times a day? Remember remember? Well you said you would, and now you’re not!

McWatty9 –  (Lowering head) Yes, yes. Bill, I’m reluctant to say you are right. I’ve been very busy editing my book and dealing with some personal issues, but still, this is no excuse for not providing my followers with an adequate number of post.

Bill – Suck-it, McWatty9!! (BIll sits down, shares a loud high five with Snobert)

McWatty9 – (Sighing) Alright, anything else?

Aaron – (Flipping underwear band up and out the way of his eyes, doesn’t bother to stand in order to ask question) McWatty9, how would you like to go to a bonfire tomorrow night?

McWatty9 – (Fist pumps) Yeah, that sounds great! I would love that!

Aaron – Great! Just grab a date and meet me there.

McWatty9 – (Pressing buttons in cellphone) Alright! Sweet! I’m stoked, just hold on one second… and… alright… wait for it… sweet! This awesome chick I know said she’d be down!

Aaron – Yeah?

McWatty9 – Yeah man! Thanks for inviting me. Who’s your date?

Aaron – Oh I don’t have one. But see if you can grab another one.

McWatty9 – …Are you kidding?

Aaron – No. (Munches on giant cheeseburger, speaks while chewing) Go on though. (More chewing) See how many people you can get. I want this to be a big deal.

McWatty9 – (Frowning slightly) Alright. Well, thanks everyone for coming. We’ll be in touch… I guess. (Begins to walk away from podium)

Snobert – Hey Mcwatty9!

McWatty9 – (Turning glumly) Yeah?

Snobert – SUCK IT!

McWatty9 – (Nods weakly, drags his feet, disappears behind red curtain)

Press Briefing – Sept. 2nd, 2013

(The reporters are all sipping on capri-suns and talking about how good the fruit punch flavor is. Several of them are eating lunchables, happily digesting bologna on crackers. The mood is light and hearty, until Bill whips out a pouch of gushers. Many of the other reporters get upset that he only shares with Snobert, who sits at his side. A new reporter enters the room, named Aaron, and catches the eye of most everyone else, as for some unknown reason Aaron is wearing whitey-tighties over his head. He has a nice suit on underneath, however. McWatty9 enters from behind the red curtain, stands behind the podium in order to address Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, people of the wordpress, I am happy  to inform you that my nation is expanding. We’ve taken in friends from countries all over the world, and have received visits from many countries I have never even heard of. I’m very excited about all this, but to say I’m not somewhat nervous would be a lie. As it stands, we’ve taken in one-hundred and twenty two followers. We have over a thousand views, and so many likes I feel super duper cool. I don’t have too much to say, other than I’m saddened by the recent drop in support from Sharplittlepencil, and very distraught by several former followers who have left us. For Sharplittlepencil, I’m setting up signs around the neighborhood that say, ‘Have you seen this blogger?’ And I am posting a picture of a woman with a pencil tucked over her ear. As for the followers who have left us, I have been flying around the world, finding out where they live, and throwing bricks into their windows at night. It is a very scary thing to do, and sends messages like, ‘Watch out for that brick that just flew through your window.’ Now then, the forum is open for questions.

Bill – (raises hand, finishes chewing up his delicious gushers, swallows down five at once, poses question) McWatty9, many of your original supporters are somewhat confused by the recent change in style. You’ve written more than a few post about God, which some of us don’t really want to hear, and you’ve become much more of a poet than a humorist. What is the reasoning for your recent change in style?

(McWatty9 nods, points finger confidently) Excellent question Bill. I’ve found that I enjoy putting poetry together, for the rhymes come quite easy for me. As far as God goes, I pretty much rely on Him for everything, and so I’m not about to deny that just to appease a few folk. Only a short while ago, I posted a short script about me hanging out with the Kardashian family. Shortly afterward, I published a post about me being on the bachelor. I don’t really know what happened, but the bachelor post bombed, and I just felt very sick about the whole thing. Sometimes I wonder if my humor is simply to childish and idiotic for others beside myself to enjoy. So in short, suck-it Bill.

Snober – (shouting back instantly) Many of your new supporters are not familiar with just how arrogant and profane you can be. Does it bother you too know that as your following grows you can no longer get away with such statements as ‘Suck-it’? It is a rude, classless thing to say, and I for one am always disgusted to hear you say such crude things. I liked the post about the horses, why not just stick with things of this nature?

(McWatty9 squints his eyes) Snobert, I think I’m speaking for everyone else here when I say, from the bottom of my heart, suck-it.

(Snobert appears outstandingly offended, then becomes really really sad, and then embraces Bill with a back-patting hug)

McWatty9 – Anyone else?

(Aaron, the new reporter in the back, with the fine-looking suit and whitey-tighties over his head, raises his hand)

McWatty9 – Yes, Aaron?

Aaron – Recently you’ve begun to post your quest for ’30 days of listening’. Yesterday, on day three, you neglected to continue this thread. Are you already finished listening? Don’t you realized the key to a good blog is all about consistency?

McWatty9 – Yes Aaron, thanks for asking. Yesterday, I did in fact fail to publish a post in continuance of my thirty days of listening. I didn’t have any in-depth conversations with anyone new, and I was simply too tired to write one up. I did expect to post two today, and label them ‘Day 3’ and ‘Day 4’ but now you’ve gone and ruined that. I shall do it anyways, I suppose.

Aaron – And another thing – in your recent air-strikes against enemy blogs, you’ve failed to be as aggressive as you should. You waste your bombs, you fly like shit, and you’re simply not very good.

McWatty9 – (Appearing greatly distressed) You know what Aaron, I don’t think anybody reading this will actually understand what any of that means. You are always so negative and so love to tell me what I do wrong. For that, I say unto you, suck-it Aaron.

(Aaron drops head, looks very sad)

McWatty9 – In summary, I am new to having an actual readership, and will do my best to bring my nation good content, while at the same time remaining true to myself and whatever ideas come to me. I am actively looking for more format, and specifically looking to give you all something to look forward to when you read my post. Consistency, I suppose. I am hoping to start up a short-story Sunday, and plan to form a routine something like poems in the morning, actual writing mid-day, and humor at night. These ideas are in the works, and I promise you the neurons in my brain are working overtime to create such a format on this blog. Thank you all for being part of Wattie nation, Aaron can suck-it, and I hope to bring you more quality content in the days and hours to come. Thank you for supporting this ever growing nation. Peace, I’m out.

(McWatty9 walks back behind red curtain, reporters all nod their heads and return to eating, several start a food fight, Aaron gets hit in the eye by a bite-size brownie and begins to cry)

The Polls #2

Scene: McWatty9 at the podium, standing before many reporters, all with cameramen beside. I am wearing a fine, expensive suit, standing properly, and addressing the nation.

McWatty9 – ‘This press conference has been called, as I’m sure many of you have already heard, to discuss the recent atrophy in my viewership. Now, I can’t emphasize enough, to all of you, that the amount of followers has only gone up in the recent days, and more specifically, my dabbling in the field of poetry has brought new readers in. I know my handful of loyal followers prefer my idiocy, as do I, but sometimes you gotta venture.

Now then, in days previous, we received views from Canada, Spain, United Kingdom, and that one guy from India who thought I was a hamburger. Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you, we have received visits from none of these countries today.

(Chatter breaks out, pens scribbles, audience in the far back gasps and whispers frivolously)

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, I’m sorry to say this is all true. All my visitors today have been strictly American. Not even Princess Fairy Zooboo cared to look. Upsetting? Yes. Devastating? Yes. The end of me? I’m not sure.

It is true this blog started about a week ago, and I still have no idea how anything on this website work. But I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, that I have every intention of working out the kinks, and bringing you all solid material once more. That is all.

(Loud shuffling, the reporters all jump from their seats, waving pens and papers at me, a gun shot fired – suicide. I ignore everyone, walk away calm and astutely, like a fantastic leader in a crisis situation)

End of Press Conference.