Press Briefing – Aug. 20th, 2013

(Reporters speaking excitedly to one another. They all have the figures out in front of them – McWatty9 is back on top. He’s crushing the World Polls like none of them could have ever predicted. Snobert and Bill exchange a put down and an share smug laugh. McWatty9 walks out from behind the curtain. He is lavishly dressed, handsome as ever and looking mighty dapper in a fine suit. His expression is cocksure, to say the least. He stands behind the podium, and address the Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – My fellow Watties! (Pointing to several reporters in the audience, a short, awkward silence ensues) We did it! I did it! You see those polls? That’s right! Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to inform you that yesterday was the greatest day yet in this administration’s history. We had a jaw-dropping seventy-one views, and a staggering thirty-four visitors! Both of those numbers, ladies and gentlemen and Snobert, rank second all time. Ye-aaah!

(McWatty9 punches his arm upwards in triumph and gazes to the ceiling above, but the reporters only cross their legs and scribble on their notepads.)

McWatty9 – We got views from Singapore, France, Croatia, Turkey, Japan, United Kingdom, and the U S of A. We got some more Watties, the following has grown to seventy. We got adamant support from sharplittlepencil, who has single handedly lobbied for us day and night. We got more hot girls comin’ in like crazy, we got former hot girls still checkin’ on ma blog, we got a hot tub date with a hot girl sometime this week! YEEEEEAAHHHH!!!

(Reporters shake their heads, cross their legs in the feminine style, place their fingers against their temples in a very intellectual fashion.)

McWatty9 – We got two pictures posted, we got tons of likes, we got new comments, a new lay out. Things are going great for this administration ladies and gentlemen!

Bill – (Standing up and yelling) McWatty9 aren’t you concerned that the number of posts you’re putting up per day is reckless to say the least, and at this rate your quality work can’t possibly last?

McWatty9 – Suck-it Bill!

Bill – But-

McWatty9 – I said suck-it! Sit down.

(Bill sits back down, disgruntled. Snobert comforts him with a shoulder rub.)

McWatty9 – So ladies and gentlemen, in summary – tons of views, new followers, hot girls, that one guy from India hasn’t been back, and King Everything Iz Great and I are off to grab a crumpet and discuss some of his administrations policies for the United Kingdom. Namely, his philosophy on hugging every person you meet, and how to enforce that into a rule for all the people. So thank you, good luck, and suck-it Bill.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, reporters gravely concerned about so much enthusiasm from a leader, distressed by his lack of worry, overwhelmed by the fact that he just told Bill to suck-it.)

McWatt News Alert – Aug. 19th

At this hour – Wattie nation is in serious peril. McWatty9 is struggling for views, lacking visitors, and many are wondering if their once great leader can possibly come out of his ever plunging decline at the world polls. He’s left many friendly comments, read a great many articles, and received practically no feedback, likes or visits for all his strenuous efforts.

On a single positive note, McWatt news team has confirmed that Matt Mullenweg indeed liked one of McWatty9’s earlier postings. Matt Mullenweg, of course, is a surfing legend and timezone operator in the universe that is WordPress. We will bring you more updates as soon as we have them, but as for now, McWatty9 is heading towards catastrophe. The streets outside our news tower are filled with bloggers chanting for his impeachment, and several Watties have even politely requested an early resignation. To keep up with the latest, stay tuned to McWatt News, where the post are always bold.

Press Briefing – August 18, 2013

(Reporters murmuring to one another about the current state of McWatty9, wondering what is to come. The tone is worry, the feel is scared, and the state of the Watties is, in every way, uneasy. McWatty9 walks through the red curtain, and the moment he does, silence ensues. He approached with his head down and lips pinned together, with hands clasped somewhere behind his lower back. He address the Wattie nation from behind the big black microphone and the cherry wood podium)

McWatty9 – Hello my fellow Watties. As you may well know, the past two days have been dismal, to say the least. Yesterday, I failed to put forward a single post. Today, I have put together two posts, both of which I believe are exceptionally mediocre. I am sad to stay that the state of this once decent nation has been dipping at the World Polls steadily over the last couple of days.

(The reporters all whisper to one another quickly, before stopping as soon as McWatty9 continues)

McWatty9 – However, it should not go unnoticed that we have also made some significant strides over the course of the last week. We have developed a small following in the great nation of Austrailia, who support our notion to end Foster’s brewery. We have received daily visits from the United Kingdom, and I had the pleasure of speaking with King Everything Iz Great this morning, who informed me that he and his kingdom will be there to support me no matter what, and are still thinking of me daily in there morning hand-holding embracement.

We received a visit from Sweden, and, more importantly than anything on the world wide web, I had the pleasure of meeting an unbelievably attractive native of Denmark in real life. She sat beside me on the plane flight, was stunning, absolutely beautiful, and had quite possibly the sexiest accent I have ever heard.

(The reporters cheer mildly)

McWatty9 – Also of note, as many of you have been wondering, I am ridiculously excited to say, on August the 19th, the man from India mis-clicked on my blog once more, and we did indeed receive his view.

(The reporters go wild, all breaking out in a unanimous chant of, ‘India! India! India!’ Several beers snap open, some are drenching one another with suds, all are either high-fiving or chest bumping. McWatty9 outstretches both arms to finally calm the festive audience.)

Now then, I would like to get back to the matter of work, but have decided that it is only fair for me to take some questions.

(Many reporters raise their hands, eagerly waving for McWatty9 to call on them.)

McWatty9 – (pointing) Yes, Bill.

Bill – (Standing up) McWatty9, what do you think led to the recent struggles at the world polls?

McWatty9 – Well Bill, I’m glad you asked that. Earlier this week, I published a post entitled ‘Alien Abduction’. It was a terrible post, quite possibly my worst all time, and did little to amuse even the laughiest of viewers.

(Reporters raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Allison.

Allison – (standing up) McWatty9, you’ve published very little humor this week. Care to comment on the recent change in standing?

McWatty9 – Yes, yes, thank you Allison, fair question. Recently, it has come to my attention that much of my humor borders on idiocy. Seeing as how I created this blog in order to get my trilogy published, of which more aptly belongs to the genre of spiritual fantasy, I have taken it upon myself to publish more sophisticated works, in order to gain the attention and praise from the snobs that be in the world of serious writing.

Snobert – (standing up, pushing his glasses closer to his nose) Are you aware there is no current genre with any such title?

McWatty9 – (Dismissively) Yeah whatever Snobert just sit the fuck back down.

(Reporters grow loud, raise their hands once more)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Wilma.

Wilma – (Speaking quickly) How has the change of direction gone for you?

McWatty9 – (sighing, playing with the coat tails of his suit coat) Well Wilma, not so good. I received some support from sharplittlepencil, who liked my romantic style postings, and beforehand admitted to spitting on her keyboard from one of my funnier posts.

Bob – (standing and shouting on his own accord) But isn’t it true your serious posts have mainly gone to shit?

McWatty9 – (groaning) Yes Bob, so far they have. But I am proud of them, a couple of others have like them, and your pretty much a jerk so shut up.

(Bob sits back down sadly, more reporters scuffle to raise their hands)

McWatty9 – (Pointing) Yes, Alejandro.

Alejandro – (Speaking with an Alejandro-esque accent) Monsieur, is it true you have a very large dookie sitting in your toilet bowl, right now?

McWatty9 – (Scratching back of neck) Alejandro, I cannot say I’m glad you asked that, but I guess I can only expect questions like that when I leave the forum wide open for questioning. This morning, around nine A.M. Matt Mulleweg time, I did take a dump, and one very large log in particular came out. It was curved at both ends, and refused to go down the drain upon flushing. Clogging could not help it, for it was never stuck, it just refused to go down. It remains there at this hour, and is an issue me and my staff will be working to fix late into the night, until we get that sucker to go down for good. I debated with myself whether to post this startling information, but at the time I did not, and regret the fact you’ve forced me to reveal such a disgusting, yet impressive, feature of my life. That will be all for the time being.

(McWatty9 steps down from the podium even as reporters continue to shout out random irrelevant questions, mostly pertaining to the size of the log in question. Pictures are taken, funny names for headlines are scribbled, and McWatty9 disappears behind the red curtain in the back of the stage.)

El Watto News Alert – Aug 13

El Watto News is reporting McWatty9 will be taking to the podium later tonight to answer further questions and address the Wattie nation in regards to recent world polls and his plans for leading this blog and building it and how he became so great and you can to. Please feel free to submit any questions to McWatty9 in the comment section down below.

Mucho mucho gracias, mamageuvo, yo esta la mierda, hasta luego, cunjo.

Press Briefing – Aug 13, 2013

(McWatty9 walks out from the curtain, stumbles, then catches himself on the podium. Stands up straight, then addresses Wattie nation.)

McWatty9 – Folks, I know I promised you several things. One of which was more views, another of which was… what was it… uhh.. oh yes, of course. The second thing I promised you, I think it was at least, it was to have a second press conference before Matt Mullenweg’s surf day would end. I know I’ve kept you waiting, but the reason is that… well folks, I have been drinking.

(cameras flash, reporters scribble)

McWatty9 – That’s right folks, I have indeed been drinking. And I am trying so damn hard not to start rhyming, because I think that when alcohol hits my brain, every damn word goes together. Furthermore, I’m one hundred percent sure, that if I wanted to, I could list off ten pages of poetry right now. I really don’t want to, ladies and gentlemen, I really don’t want to.

Anyways, beyond the drinking, we have some topics to discuss. Namely, the polls. Today was alright. A smidge above yesterday, but we are heading in the right direction. We have many new followers, and more importantly, some more hot girls are following.

(The reporters frantically jot down drawings of the said hot girls)

McWatty9 – Also of importance, one particular girl named Michele Lea, mentioned that a posting of this administration caused her to laugh so hard she snorted. Though I can not see her face, I can comfortably say she has very nice legs. I am proud of this complement. Extra proud.

Now then, back to the world polls. As I stated earlier, we received new interest from Australia, and Switzerland. Now, I don’t know much about the latter, but the former, I have indeed visited. Do you want to know what life is like in Australia? Try to imagine going to a place where everybody could just as easily spend sunday in church or in prison. And then the following week, switch with their mates. So, to state more bluntly, I fucking love Australians, I fucking really do, I really like Australia, I wish I lived there too.

(Reporters look to one another, ask themselves if McWatty9 really just broke out in rhyme. Camera answer with a certain assertiveness that only comes from years of being the head nod guy)

McWatty9 – Sorry ladies and gentlemen, I got a bit off stray. I hear a rhyme now but I am going to ignore it for the present moment. Now then, the United Kingdom also came for some support, I would like to thank King Everything Iz Great, especially, for I read his quote in the ‘McWatt News Alert’ and was happy that he remained supportive of me.

Okay. The rhymes keep pounding. I’m sorry. I have other things to say, but they seem pretty blurry now. Man, I think I’m making a fool of myself. Am I?

(Reporters all write extra quickly, with brows turned down)

McWatty9 – Dammit! What are you guys writing about me? Say it to my face!

(Reporters write even faster)

Mcwatty9 – Alright, okay, you do indeed have a right to write about whatever you would like to say. Though, I must insist, I despise the fact that people remember how you acted that time you held a news conference while intoxicated. Would it have been better for me to approach you on more sober conditions? Absolutely. Should you enjoy the fact that I am amusing when I am drunk? Yes. Should you be a dick and tell all my friend the shit I said when I was drunk? No. That’s what seperates terrible people from decent human beings.

(Half the reporters continue to scribble, the other half drop their pens)

McWatty9 – Yeah. That’s great Bill. Remember that interview you requested? Never gonna happen. So, on behalf of my drunkenness, I’m going to go back behind that curtain, pass out for a really long time, then wake up and return to answer your questions. The reason I’m not going to take any questions now, is because I am really drunk, and would answer absolutely everything in thoughtless honesty. So, to sum it all up, if you have any question for me and the state of McWatty9, please write it down below in the comment box. If you are a hot girl, thank you for following, and continue to bring more hot girls. If you are from Australia, G’day mate, and fuck fosters cause it is a terrible representive of just how incredible Austrailian beer actually is. Thank you, and good night.

(Lots of bumbling commotion, pictures flashing, viewers thinking about posing a question in the comment box down below, viewers starting to think too hard about their question, viewers deciding not to answer their question, viewers re-deciding to comment a question, viewers submitting question.)

Press Briefing – Aug. 1, 2013

(McWatty9 is standing at the podium, addressing the nation about the day’s early outlook for the world polls. Reporters are ready with notepads, red lights flicker on at the cameras, and the Watties all tune in to hear their blogger speak.)

McWatty9 – Ladies and gentlemen, I have called this post briefing on behalf of the McWatt news alert issued earlier this morning. As many of you know, yesterday was a dismal day at the world polls. We struggled for visitors, comments were bleak, and two hours into Matt Mullenweg’s fresh new surf day, we still sat dead at zero views.

I know many were worried about the fate of this blog, and still remain petrified that they have chosen a leader not worthy of their following. Let me assure you, we are turning things around, working around the clock in my mind to think up new posts that will grab your attention and keep you here.

Now, there have been many recent developments as of late, and more specifically, the addition of several hot girls to my following. Hot girls, you see, are not just your average followers. When hot girls decide to read what you write and like it, it is a good indication that you are on the right track.

For, as several of our scientists concluded, hot girls are known as what we call in the blogging industry, ‘Actual Humans’. Do not be misled by the simplicity of the term, actual humans account for roughly two point five lives to that of a blogger.

What does this mean? This means that there shall be more to come. Never in the history of the world have hot girls gone to a place without attracting others. In fact, it has come to my attention that the only opinions that ever matter to me, are in fact the opinions of hot girls.

Furthermore, we have already received visits from such nations as Australia and Switzerland, just to name a few. I know many are still wondering if that one guy from India who mis-clicked his way here has yet to return, and I regret to inform you that he still hasn’t.

And so, on behalf of Thomas M. Watt, I am pleased to inform you that tides are shifting, and we are once again heading in the right direction. I would like to personally thank all of the hot girls who have recently visited my site, for in viewing your profile pictures I am overwhelmed with great appreciation.

That is all for now, I hope I have gained some of your likes back, but if not, I will still continue to labor intensely and bring this great blog back to what it once was. That is all for now, thank you.

(McWatty9 leaves the podium, then ignores the barrage of questions as he promptly disappears behind a curtain around the back. Cameras continue to flash even a short while after.)

I am humbled by how great I am

In a recent survey conducted and published by fictionalsurveys.com/imagination, my blog was voted one of the fastest growing blogs in the history of the world. It is quite a humbling article, and by humbling, I mean it reassured me that I was better than everyone else at everything, even that spoiled little girl who is already mean to poor people.

The article featured a quote from that one guy from India who somehow found his way to my blog. I copied and pasted it down below for you.

“McWatty9? What the heck is that? Is sounds like a bad American hamburger or something.”

Also of significance, this endearing complement from King Everything Iz Great of the United Kingdom – “McWatty9 is a true gift to the world and a friend of the United Kingdom. We sometimes talk about him at the morning hand-holding embracement.”

I’m truly honored for all the recent praise I’ve received from myself, and can’t emphasize enough just how humbling being the greatest means to me. I think its safe to say, along with all the watties out there, that this blog is truly, ‘Blowing Up’.

To my followers

Dear followers,

There are two of you now. I’m quite certain, I saw it somewhere but do not know how to return to that screen. I wanted to say thankful for your support, be it out of pity or mis-clicking. Also, a note to my anonymous viewers, your two second musings are boosting my confidence in my ability to get people to stare at the words that I make. Thank you, every time one of you looks at my stuff, I feel a little bigger, a little wiser, and a little closer to getting more comments.

I have two comments now, both of which I cherish dearly. Who could forget the line drop from Aaron, which said I was ‘So dope’. And the unanswerable question recently posed to me, after my obvious frustration with the gravator – ‘After all, we do this for ourselves, don’t we?’ 

We do do this for ourselves. I do it for me. Only me. Because I am the best. The greatest. My loyal ‘Watties’ will always attest.

Thank you for your support, and may you always demonstrate your liking of me by your pressing the button called the ‘like button’. You Watties are the greatest, just like me, but not quite as great, but really close, but still behind.

Thank you.