Pangs of Selflessness

Thoughts of anger resentment and greed,

Knowledge of loss and defeat and need.

Awareness of difficulty and thoughts unseen,

Realization of reality and dreams still dreamed.

Eyes are opened hope is lost pain too much to laugh and scoff.

Not one listens not one loves not one says things just as one does.

It was this no it was that no it was thinking by left brain and wearing this cap.

This life is blind the whole of mine has been spent seeking what is divine.

You know what’s funny? Where the problem resides? It’s in the heart where the spirits meet time.

Can’t understand why we are all still taught the only problem with sin is when you get caught,

Also can’t see why Christians today spend all their time smiling to say I follow the way.

When the way of God and the prophets of old was too be hated and denied and constantly told,

That they were all evil that they disobeyed that they were the men who lived in decay.

If Jesus Christ is the way life and truth then why is it that we think we must prove,

We are all good Christians by dressing so nice, saying ‘Yes please’ and ‘Could you please pass the knife?’

Is anyone left with crosses to bear that are more than good language and playing games fair?

For instance there’s one thing yes one thing I know and that is that God’s way the humans don’t know,

For God works in secret and not much with flair and when he speaks through you very few hear

The words that He says and for good reason too because God work is to do what’s no benefit to you.

– Thomas M. Watt

Let the Little Girl Dance

grandpa and granddaughter

The Irishman staggered up his front lawn, acknowledging his granddaughter, Anetta, as he went. She was dancing lively on the grass, moving excitedly to the grooves blasting from her portable pink-barbie-radio.

Shamus waved hello and rubbed her mess of blonde hair, then helped himself to a cold brew and two bags of ice once inside. He set an ice bag over each of his knees, popped open the brew, then picked up the phone from the receiver and dialed.

“Hello?” Said the voice on the other end.

“Yes, this is Shamus. How goes my daughter?”

There was a short pause. “Excuse me? How goes it?”

Shamus groaned and rubbed his temples with his thumb and forefinger. “How is she?”

“Oh.” The voice on the other end sighed sadly. “You know, she’s still in recovery.”

Shamus nodded, then had another swig from his ale. “Ah shit. Well that’s fuckin’ great, isn’t it? Any idea when she will be better?”

“No, not really. How’s Anetta?”

Shamus adjusted the ice bag on his knee as he smiled. “Ah, she’s lovely. You’ve raised yourself a beautiful girl there, ya truly have.”

“Thanks,” said the man on the other end. “I’m sorry to keep her at your place for so long.”

Shamus furrowed his brow and shook his head. “No, no. It’s good to have the young ones around. They keep me smiling.”

“Yes, well… I’m glad to hear she’s doing well.”

Shamus swiped the ice bags off his knees and stood up. “Here she’s right outside! I’ll fetch her for you she’d love-”

“No, no!” The voice exclaimed. “I’m sorry but I’m really too busy with work. And Anetta, you know how much she likes to talk.”

Shamus scratched behind his ear. “Well, yes, but, she is your fuckin’ daughter.”

The voice laughed. “I know. Listen, I’ve got a meeting to go too. Give her my love.”

“Fine,” said Shamus. The man on the other end started to speak some more, but Shamus just clicked to end the call and tossed the phone on his couch.

The front door whirled open, and in stormed Anetta, crying hysterically.

Shamus picked her up in his arms. “Annetta! Darlin’! What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, as she smeared the mucus dribbling out from her nostrils.

“Anetta?”

She sniffed. “Mr. Avery’s boys all laughed at me and told me not to dance in public.” She sniffed again. “Anymore.”

Shamus set her down. “They did, did they?”

Anetta nodded.

“Come on. Let’s go for a walk, sweetie.”

Shamus took Anetta by the hand and led her outside. They walked across the street to the Averys’ residence. Shamus walked up the steps then rung the brass doorbell, all the while holding his granddaughter’s hand in his.

The front door opened, to a middle-aged man wearing a green tie and a red sweater vest on top of it.

“Yes, hello! How are you?” Said Mr. Avery.

Shamus looked into the living room, where the two boys were playing video games. “Yes, sorry for the inconvenience sir, but your boys harassed my granddaughter.”

“Oh?” Said Mr. Avery, folding his arms.

“Yes, nothing terrible, but she was dancin’ in the front yard and they told her to stop.”

“And?”

“And that was that, so I was think they ought to apologize to her.”

Mr. Avery stepped forward, still smiling brightly. “And why is that?”

Shamus shot upright. “Why is that? Bloody hell mate, she’s eight years old! If she wants to dance outside she has right to fucking dance outside!

Mr. Avery stepped still closer, rubbing his chin his hand. “Well, to be quite frank with you Shamus, I myself don’t appreciate looking out my window and seeing her make a mockery of this neighborhood. The homes have been going down in value, you know, and I can’t help but wonder if displays like that are the prime culprit. You know understand, right?”

Shamus suddenly elated in a smile. “So you don’t think my daughter should dance, do ya?”

The man looked down, then smeared his loaf of blond hair back. “Not like that. I just don’t think it’s appropriate, sorry. Oh, would you and your daughter like to come inside, though? She can play video games with the boys if she wants!”

Shamus nodded some more, than smiled from ear to ear. “No, no. That’s alright.”

The man grinned, then bent down to a squatting position. “And how about you little girl? I hope I didn’t hurt your feelings, it’s just that when you dance it makes the street look bad.”

Anetta looked to Shamus, who shook his head then tugged her away. They walked back to their own home, and Shamus immediately climbed into the attic, searching through his old belongings. He found a pair of his old soccer cleats, then took them back down to the sofa and struggled to put them on. He grabbed an old album he had saved since his last visit to the motherland, then started towards the front door.

“Come on Anetta.”

“Where are we going, grandpa?”

“We are going back to the Averys’ to apologize some more. Bring your pink music-player-thingy.”

She did, and soon they were back at the same house as before. Only this time, Shamus stopped at the front lawn, inserted his C.D. of Irish Medleys, and turned the pink portable radio on full blast.

As soon as the bagpipes and mandolin started playing, Shamus started to dance. He did the steps of an Irish jig, with strong, precise stabbing toe kicks. The neighbors all around quickly came by and circled around, clapping on the surprisingly agile old man as he tore up the formerly pristine lawn with his soccer cleats.

Mr. Avery, however, didn’t look as pleased, as he watched from his front door with his two boys beside.

By the time the jig was finished, mud and grass was heaped everywhere.

“I hope you’re going to pay for that,” said Mr. Avery, closing the front door as he stepped forward in a slighly aggressive manner.

Shamus smiled, then started charging at a hurried pace towards him. “And I hope YOU’RE going to apologize to my daughter.”

“I thought I already told you-”

Before he could finished his sentence, Shamus grabbed him by the throat and pinned him against his own front door.

“I said, you are going to apologize to my granddaughter.”

“Okay, okay. Sorry.” Said Mr. Avery, waving his hands at his sides.

“Good, now you little ones,” said Shamus to the two little boys standing beside.

“We don’t have to listen to you,” one of them responded.

Shamus released the father, then looked up to the sky. “You know what, I think you’re right.” Shamus turned around, bent forward, then farted loudly on the two little boys.

He hopped off the stairway, grabbed Anetta by the hand, then started walking back towards his own house again, with the pink barbie radio propped on his shoulder as it continued to play into his ear.

“Grandpa, does this mean I can still dance outside?” Said Anetta, pulling his arm for Shamus to face her.

Shamus smiled. “Yes sweetie. In fact, the next time someone tells you to stop dancing, I want you to tell them to go fuck themselves.”

Anetta giggled and looked straight ahead. “What’s that mean grandpa?

Shamus laughed, then picked Anetta up off the ground and held her up into the sunlight, kissing her forehead once before hugging her into his chest and going on. “It means life has a lot of tough times. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to quit singing and dancing because some pussy with a sweater vest tells me to stop.”

“I like that grandpa.”

He set her down, and then smiled as they resumed their walk hand in hand. “As do I, sweetie. As do I.”

– Thomas M. Watt

Hailey and Jared – Part 3

finale

Jared took Hailey’s hand in his, and cupped his free hand around the bottom of her back. The pair danced together, unsmiling, and lost in one another’s eyes. Jared spoke first.

“I’ve had no fun just yet this night, I’ve searched and searched but haven’t found one right.”

Hailey smiled. “Oh me too! These suitors care, yet still I’ve found my heart can’t bear. To take one in whom I don’t love, I can’t quite quit my dream of doves.”

Jared grinned and laughed. “Dream of doves? Just what’s that mean? Just how massive are your dreams? Have you gone far past this reality, have you removed from this whole planet?”

Hailey chuckled, then moved closer. “We’re not on earth we’re on the moon, for just what reason I have no clue. I think I may just doubt the author, for if this is true love i won’t stop scoffing.”

Jared spun her in a circle, then grabbed her close, her back to his chest. “Do not worry Hailey dear, don’t doubt the author the truth’s not yet here. He has a point yes this I think, he has a reason still on the brink. Just keep dancing open your ears, the reason will be coming here.”

Hailey swiveled around, and danced with her face turned up to Jared’s. “Okay, okay, I guess I’ll wait. I just hope explanation doesn’t come late. As of now I find you handsome, like to feel your hands around some, of my body, but don’t be crude, I did not mean you’d get me nude. What I meant to say was you seem nice, but I still don’t think you’re my dream guy.”

Jared laughed again, and raised his eyebrows. “Oh I’m not? Not hard to come by? I’m not the type who you would want to make cry? Just to feel your heart still twinge, just to know you had my bid?”

Hailey smiled, but turned away. “Oh now Jared doll now please, don’t kid yourself I’m not a thief. Not looking to just steal your heart, not finding ways to up and part.”

Jared pulled her in closer, shocking her to a quiet gasp. “Oh you’re not? Just as you say, so you won’t mind when I turn away.”

As Jared started to leave, Hailey pulled him back, her eyes wide. “Wait don’t go, just don’t leave yet. I like to be close to your chest. Just because I can’t love you, does not quite mean I don’t I do. Just share this dance here for a while, stay with me don’t be a child.”

“Be a child what’s this you say? Why insult me why lead astray? You like me woman now just admit it, you don’t need to so often fidget.”

“Fidget not this not be so! You sure presume a lot to know. Why this trouble, why these kicks? Why do you act like such a dick?”

Jared laughed, and Hailey did too. Jared gripped her hand tighter. “Am I though, just what you say? Am I so bad to cause delay? Hailey girl you are too funny, Hailey girl your words are money.”

“Money Jared? Really though? Must you so often go? Why is it that you so hate, why is it that you relate. More to reality than a tail, why do you ruin a woman’s male?”

Jared turned his head down, so that his forehead pressed against hers. “Hailey I don’t think you get it, no I don’t I think you missed it. The thing is you’ve closed your eyes, bought the long forever lies. Love is not a thing to toss, not emotion with a cost. It is not a made up thing, it is not just what is courting. Love is more then sweet things go, love is moving to and fro.”

Hailey pulled her head back and squinted. “To and fro? Like what, more partners? Is this your plan to sneak off barters? This date is turning so bad quick, and it took ’till now to realize it.”

Jared pulled her in again, so that their noses touched together. “Hailey, Hailey, presumptuous one. I see you’re frightened of my tongue. I see the fear behind those eyes, I feel the tremble in your thighs. I know that you avoid what’s true, I know you like to see doubts through. I know you want to up and walk, I know you pretend those times you scoff. I know you want to so leave me, I know you hate just what love brings.”

“You are a mad man.”

“Am I now? Or have I just lifted your big cloud?”

Hailey gulped, and stopped dancing. “I do not like this, none of these things. I do not like what you’ve said to me. I do not want to hold your hand, I do not think you are my man. I highly hate the way you’re speaking, I truly despise the words you’re bringing. This is not how love unfolds, this is not how good tales go. This is not romance for me, this is not the way I see.”

“Yet you’re clinging to my grip, yet you’re shaking in the lips. Yet you’ve stayed with me for longer, then those guys who you just pondered. You say you hate the touch of me, you say you hate the words I speak. You claim to want to avoid it, you love to hate the lovers kiss.”

Hailey’s breath quickened, and her she forced her lips to tighten. “Jared you are such a fool, I am now sure you’re just a tool. You think too much of you I think, you are just saying some wise things. There is no love from me to you, I know two words I’ll never say to you. They come from a question you’ll ask me, I’m sure I wont say what you think. I must go now for this is true, Jared I do not love you.”

As she began to walk hurriedly away, Jared refused to release her hand, and tugged her back into himself, sweeping her within inches of his lips once more.

“I see right through you.”

“No you don’t.”

“I think I do though.”

“Why can’t I go.”

“I know you’re feeling what I think.”

“Well you’re wrong just as I spoke.”

“I know that you’re the one for me.”

“But you not I so I’m sorry.”

“I know you want to feel it too, I know you run from feelings true.”

“God, bug off, why can’t I leave! Are your ears just filled with trees?”

“My ears do hear just as my heart, but I’m afraid the lessons part.”

“Why do you say this Jared, why? Why must you insist on all these lies?”

“And why must you so doubt me? Why must you kid yourself to flee?”

Hailey pushed Jared away by his chest, then shoved him again. “Do please go just let me be. I do not know what you’ve done to me. I don’t delight in disrespect, I hate the fact that our eyes met.”

“You hate just love and what love do.”

“I don’t hate love I just hate you.”

Jared nodded, then released her hand. “Find then go, off you be. I did not lie for my heart sees. But so you’ve chosen you’re own path, I guess I’m sorry and I won’t trespass.”

Hailey bit her lip, then turned, and walked away. About fifteen paces removed, just as a new suitor was approaching her, Hailey twisted around, then called back to him.

“Jared?”

He looked to her. “Yes?”

She gulped, then walked forward, ever so slowly. When she stood before him, she offered her hand for a shake. “Thank you for the dance. It was fun.”

Jared shook her hand. “Of course.”

She started away, then stopped short again. She punched both her fist down at her sides, then turned, and looked at him for a moment, swiping a hair behind her ear as she smiled.

“Yes?” said Jared.

“Are you done? Do you have any more questions?”

He smiled. “Just one, but I know what you are going to say.”

She nodded, began to walk off, before stopping with a loud groan once more. She turned around, walked kindly back to him, then kissed him on the lips. She patted his chest, started away, then came back to him once more, fully taking his lips into hers.

“Just ask it,” she said.

Jared smiled. “Do you love me?”

Hailey smiled. “I do.”

– Thomas M. Watt