El Guapo – Hola amigos, buenos dias. We have just been informed, that mister McWatty9 is very sad, he is very depressed, his blog is doing very very poorly. We have live footage of heem, and he is not looking very good. Not good at all. We turn now to Carmen, who is a very nice lady, and she is live at the scene. Carmen? Can you hear me?
(Camera cuts to Carmen, who is holding an ear piece in her ear. Behind her, there is a man lying on the sidewalk, his back to the ground. There is a beer in his hand and he is staring somberly into the sky straight above)
Carmen – Thanks El Guapo. If you look behind me, you might think you are staring at a homeless person, or some sort of pathetic life form trying to garner attention. It is, in fact neither. Let’s take a closer look.
(Carmen waves inwardly, and the camera zooms in for a close up. It is a Fosters brew in the sad man’s hand. Camera pans out, returns to Carmen.)
Carmen – It is this evidence which leads us to believe this piece of garbage behind me is actually once rising star blogger McWatty9. In some of his earlier news briefings, he discussed his disdain for Fosters beer. For this reason, we can only assume he has plunged into such a dismal depression he could think himself to be so low as to stoop to the worst most distasteful brew distributed throughout the modern world. Now, zoom in for another look, and this time take notice of his face.
(Camera zooms in, the trashy man’s eyes are blood red. Camera zooms out)
Carmen – That’s right folks, did you see his eyes? Clearly the result of either heavy drinking, or pussy tears.
(The live feed switches back to El Guapo at the main station)
El Guapo – Carmen? You alluded to ‘pussy tears’? Could you please describe that for our viewers at home please?
(Camera shifts back to Carmen, who is smiling pleasantly as she nods)
Carmen – Certainly. Here in the real world, when a grown man cries it’s typically considered what’s known as, ‘being a pussy’. The common remedies include…
(Carmen pauses as she lifts a piece of paper up into the camera shot, then reads from it)
Carmen – Okay, typical remedies include such events as ‘having real problems’ and ‘dealing with it’. Also highly suggested, is what’s known on the streets here as, and I quote, ‘growing the fuck up’, as well as ‘grow a fuckin’ sack’.
(View shifts back to El Guapo, who is shuffling through papers and smiling politely.)
El Guappo – Very good stuff Carmen, thank you for reporting.
(View returns to Carmen)
Carmen – Certainly. Back to you, El Guapo.